‘True Blood’: More Crazy-Named Dudes Who Want to Eat Sookie

Oh man, you know a True Blood episode is going to be a doozy if it’s titled after a Hoyt plot line. Because yikers: Hoyt Fortenberry, you guys! How could he be leaving Bon Temps? Actually, it makes perfect sense that Hoyt would be leaving, since Jim Parrack probably got a much better gig on another show. Any other show. Literally. Any. Other. Show.

Or working on an oil rig in Alaska, whatever. You remember your friends in college who always acted like they were going to pull some Jason Bourne shit and disappear into the Alaskan fishing/oil rig business after college? I bet you none of them ever did that. Because Alaska is cold as a motherfucker, and if you hate vampires, it’d be the last place you go, since it’s dark ALL the time there. (See: 40 Days of Night.)

Anyway, before Hoyt leaves he wants Jessica to erase his memories of her and Jason, which Jessica does with some misgivings because Bon Temps is "home." Which is bullshit, too; since when do people need to live at home their entire lives? Sure, the rest of the characters do, but the rest of the characters on True Blood are either supernatural or fatally retardo. Or both.

Case in point: There is a whole scene this week devoted to Sheriff Bellefleur and Holly the waitress eating some steak cooked by Lafayette, because no one is coming into Merlotte’s anymore, thanks to the big VAMPIRE BLOOD SCARE. Or maybe no one is coming to Merlotte’s anymore because there was a shoot-out there the day before, and an Iraqi ghost lady came with her smoke monster ifrit and ate a dude? Whichever it is, people are just straight up chillin’ in town, despite the fact that things are dire. Like, the coroner was turned into a vampire, and Andy is sitting there eating steak? Also, no one has seen the King of Louisiana around town, since, like, a month ago, and that doesn’t raise any alarms?

In case you needed reminding, the reason King Bill is M.I.A. is because he’s busy blowing up True Blood factories like a pro and forcing Eric to drink the blood of Lilith so he can see images of Godric exploding like a bloody water balloon when the first vampire rips his neck open. Suddenly, Eric has decided he’s a Sanguinista as well. Time to talk about school vouchers and education reform policy for vampires! (That thunking noise is Alan Ball dropping his heavy-handed allusion for the current political climate on his own foot.)

Steve Newlin still has to appear on TV and pretend that terrorists blew up those True Blood factories, so we get a nice dose of that political television bullshit as well. In actuality, Steve is too obsessed with Russell Edgington and his were-puppy Emma to care very much about the political agenda he’s supposed to be following, so it remains to be seen whether he’ll end up defecting from the Sanguinistas like Russell did at the end of this week’s episode (dude is mad that The Authority wasn’t giving him the go-ahead to just eat the hell out of Sookie Stackhouse), or if he’ll end up dead because those damn shifters—Sam and Luna—are trying to get Emma back. I hope it’s the former, because Steve Newlin is my favorite character.

Oy-oy-oy-while: Sookie uses her brother’s brilliant detective skills to figure out that last week’s box ‘o’ clues were a red herring, and that the real thing Gran wanted her to find was a rolled up parchment scroll with a bunch of fairy words on them that basically translated (with the fays’ help) into, "Some guy named Warlow is coming to eat you, because your great-grandpappy promised you to him." Mmm hmmm. WARLOW. 

Between this vampire and Russell Edgington, Sookie has two episodes left to figure her shit out before she gets eaten.

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