Things The Russian So-Called Meteor Might Really Have Been

They’re saying a meteor broke up in the atmosphere over the Urals region of Russia, injuring hundreds. Below, you can hear Bill Nye the Science Guy explaining this laughable theory for CNN viewers. But we all know that story is just stage one of a cover-up, yeah? And this time, Mulder and Scully might really kiss!

Off the top of my head, I would guess that this “meteor” was really a ship built by space terrorists that Bruce Willis exploded even while jumping clear—with the only parachute on his back, of course. I call it Die Hard 6: Dyin’ Ain’t Easy. Or, if we were to extend certain fanciful analogies, it could easily have been god flicking a booger.

For that matter, who’s to say it wasn’t a warning shot across the prow by an advanced alien species? Like, keep it down you drunk assholes, some of us are working on the secrets of the universe here. Most probable of all, however, is the simplest explanation: what burned up over Russia was a giant hamster ball launched into orbit days ago by North Korea with a hundred squabbling monkeys inside. RIP, you brave and angry explorers.

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.

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