Some people are what they eat, but I’m much more of a "eat what I watch" sort of gal. For example, Monday nights I get toasted off of Ramona Singer’s brand of Pinot Grigot. Tuesdays are Glee-flavored slushies (though I guess now I’ll be throwing them at my set on Thursdays). Sunday is when I either break out the meth or whiskey, depending on what time of the year AMC tells me it is. But last tonight, in honor of the bombing of the True Blood factories in Houston and Japan (8/5/12: Never Forget!), I broke out a long-forgotten bottle of the stuff that HBO once sent me during an ill-conceived marketing campaign. As you’d expect, it tastes like shit. No wonder everybody wants to eat humans these days.
Everyone except Eric Northman though, who thinks that Bill’s idea to get all vampires chasing down human blood-bags by destroying all the True Blood manufacturers was an idea fail. Bill has drank too much of the Lilith Kool-Aid (blood)! He’s so "lost" and is turning to religion to blindly answer his century-old questions, like "How come I never turned my daughter into a vampire?" and "Why do my eyes always look like they’ve been switched out for a drunken Irishman’s?" Eric rolls his regular-attractive eyes at Bill and tells him something to the effect of, "Time to slaughter more people for the sake of religion," but he says it all sarcastic-like. Then he goes and finds the chick from Veronica Mars who is actually a vampire (Whew! Weight off my mind!) so they could discuss a plan on how to escape from the underground Authority lair that Salome has trapped all her besties in.
That in and of itself seems weird, right? Like, apparently Russell and his new rent-boy Reverend Steve Newlin—who got to say the BEST prayer ever this week, something about a duck and a goose and whatever AMEN!—can leave the Authority bunker to go round up some werewolf minions and steal Luna’s kid (because Steve’s never had a pet before and Luna’s daughter has been in puppy form for like, a week now), but Eric and the geek vampire don’t have the clearance capacity? And they need the blood from Nora AND Salome to open up the locks to go above ground? It’s like everything is topsy-turvy over in the Authority den!
Eric devises a scheme, with Bill’s reluctant help, to get Salome’s blood. He will "handle" his sister. And by handle he means, "make out with after a long talk about religion." How does God/Lilith feel about incest, you guys? Then he injects her in the neck with a syringe full of silver. Ugh, this show.
If you can believe it, this narrative arc only took up the tiniest of slivers from True Blood‘s myriad of subplots this week. Like: there was the whole Terry/Patrick face-off, where Patrick took Arlene as a hostage so he could shoot his former soldier and make the ancient smoke monster curse go away, but then Arlene stabs him with a pen—to which we all thought, "A pen gun, bro? Really?"—and screams at Terry to shoot Patrick instead, which makes Terry PTSD-flashback to Patrick screaming at him to shoot the Iraqi woman who cursed them. And then that ghost lady shows up and tells Terry to do what is right. For a whole moment I thought that this meant Terry shouldn’t shoot Patrick, because things end up poorly every time he ends up "following orders" because someone is screaming at him to kill someone else. That would have been an acceptable metaphor for the horrors of being a soldier of war, Alan Ball!
But no, Terry shoots Patrick, and the Iraqi ghost tells her smoke monster to eat Patrick’s body, and everyone goes home happy.
Speaking of ghosts, Sookie’s Gran led her into a red herring of almost certain death this week when she was channeled through Lafayette to look under the bed for clues about the vampire who killed her parents. His name is Wario, or something. Warlow. It sounds like Wario, though, and it’s fun to imagine that Mario’s evil doppelganger with the mustache will turn up as the next True Blood villain. Hey, eventually they have to run out of monsters. Lafayette is bothered by all these damn ghosts yelling at him, although he is back to being sassy and making jokes about being like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost. Which essentially is what his character has turned into, so I guess points for self-awareness?
Sookie finds a box under the bed—weird that she’s never checked under there before!!—and it has all these mementos. She finds out that the old sheriff found her parents’ bodies…she better go investigate him!
In actuality, Sheriff Dearborne doesn’t know much about her parents’ death except they were bitten by vampires, but he DOES know that Sookie is about to be hit over the head with a shovel by his new girlfriend, the Dragon of the new KKK, that "anti-supes" hate group with the Obama masks. They lock Sookie up in a pig farm along with Hoyt, who spends the entire episode out cold. Goodnight, Hoyt! I wish I were you!
The plan of the Obamas is to feed Sookie and Hoyt to a bunch of hungry hogs, which is hilarious, but let’s not forget, a terrifying and real thing that can happen if you fall asleep in a pigpen. Luckily, one of the pigs happens to be shifter Sam Merlotte, who had figured out where the hate group was hiding out by turning himself and Luna into flies so they could spy on Sheriff Andy and Deputy Jason. Fun fact: there are exactly four people on the police force in Bon Temps? Four! And yet, for some reason, the town’s deputy also has control over the human SWAT team that is there to protect Jessica, who is the Queen of Louisiana while Bill’s gone? That makes about as much sense as the rest of this nonsense show. At least be consistent in your ridiculousness!
Oy: so Sookie and Hoyt are saved, and we found out who was killing the supernaturals (mainly a fat woman who was angry that her husband left her for a shifter), and that silly Obama tie-in is over. Also, we finally got to find out why this hate group wore Obama masks: it was because no one writing this show could figure out if they were supposed to be "patriotic or ironic," as that one cop who is not Andy or Jason or the black lady pointed out. And if you’re going to burn a flag to make a statement, you might as well be very confused about what that statement is. Hey viewers, why don’t you wake up and stop being sheeple and THINK about what those Obama masks represent, because True Blood isn’t giving you the easy answers!
In other news, there’s a new vampire sheriff in Shreveport, and he’s totally usurping Pam’s position at Fangtasia and instructing vampires to feed on humans. Which seems like an easy fix; someone needs to just go find Jessica, who is the surrogate Queen (as mentioned) to pull rank. But maybe she’s been replaced as well, since Bill totally betrays Eric on that whole Salome-blood thing after he has sex with her. He was going to do it, but then he hallucinated killing Sookie and then making out with the bloody Carrie lady again. (Is that Lilith? Gross. Lilith needs a bath.) So obviously, his convictions are now totally in line with this new religion and when he arrives at the appointed time to help Eric and the dorky vampire chick escape with a passed-out Nora, he does so with Salome and a hundred guards. It’s for Eric’s own good.
And just to tie up any loose ends (just kidding!), we are introduced to Alcide’s dad: a former pack master who is an alcoholic and a gambler on disability. Definitely furthered our knowledge of, "What is Alcide brooding about this week?"
Only three episodes left, you guys! I wonder if Steve Newlin can keep his new pet!