As the smart-aleck couch potato Max on ABC’s hit relationship sitcom Happy Endings, Adam Pally says all the wrong things at all the right times. Here, the UCB veteran goes unscripted about what ticks him off, and poor Sarah McLachlan suffers the fatal blow.
1. Let’s knock out four things I hate right now: everyone in The Black Eyed Peas. Well, three things. I feel bad for that mute ninja guy because you know the other three Peas are making fun of him behind his back, and that’s a little “pot calling the kettle,” right?
2. I hate adult cats. I’m sorry, I know they need a home, and Sarah McLachlan’s head just exploded, but grown-ass sassy cats scare me.
3. I hate people who bitch about the iPhone when they don’t have one. It’s like a virgin telling you sex is overrated.
4. I hate clerks at guitar stores. I know just by walking in here you can shred some tasty licks, but let’s face it: You’re not scoring that much poon if you work at Guitar Center, so just pass me that middle-of-the-road acoustic and let me kill some time between auditions.
5. I hate the sound of my son crying. Kidding. My wife deals with that noise.
6. I hate all 9/11 movies except One for the Money.
7. I hate capri pants on either gender. Wear longer pants or pull your shoes up.
8. I hate boyfriend jeans. I don’t care what kind of “fat day” you think you’re having. Trust me, the boyfriend jeans are making it worse.
9. I hate when my dog licks herself to the point that an open sore forms. I mean, come on dog, you’re so dumb.
10. I hate adults who love Disney World. This is the clearest sign of pedophilia or serial killerphilia.
11. I hate two-door luxury coupes. Way to show your friends how rich you are and get out of giving them a ride home, dick.
12. I hate talking to people in the lobby of yoga class. It’s taking a lot for me to be here; I don’t need to hear about that yoga summit on the top of Mt. Healthylife. Now leave me alone so I can pretend to exercise.