1. I hate watching hospital dramas because they make me feel like I’m going to die of some rare disease. What’s that weird tingling under my foot? It’s probably chronic gout.
2. I hate that every dramatic scene in movies happens in slow motion. Just get to the fucking point already.
3. Why does dramatic music always involve violins? Find a violin player and make them play music while you eat breakfast. You’ll mist up just reading the Corn Flakes box.
4. I hate how when anything dramatic happens, the media scares the living shit out of people. They recently shut down a big freeway in Los Angeles for a weekend. The week leading up to it was the scariest week of my life. The media called it “carmageddon.” No one left the house for fear of traffic, chaos, and riots. By the time the weekend rolled around, everyone was so scared to go out that the streets were empty, so I got in my car and drove around naked.
5. I hate when actors fake cry in movies. Sorry to say, but yes, it happens. No one I know can really cry every single time, on every single take. Actually, Kate Winslet probably could. I love her, and I want her to love me back.
6. I hate when people say, “Stop being so dramatic.”
7. Talking about all the things I hate about drama has made me sad. I’m just going to rent Sophie’s Choice and cry myself to sleep. Thanks, BlackBook.
Photo by Richard Knapp.