Some Suggestions For The Brand-New Esquire Network

In an age when television is trying to figure out how to compete with the Internet, and print is struggling to survive at all, you have to love the idea to expand your magazine into a TV channel. Nevertheless, men’s lifestyle publicationEsquire has taken over the Style Network to give you reality shows from Anthony Bourdain and Ryan Seacrest—because you definitely aren’t sick of those guys, right? (It’s actually kind of unfortunate they’re not co-hosting something where contestants have to sing pop songs while preparing crème brûlée.)

Of course, the real mark of Esquire’s success in this venture won’t be programming that features established stars. They’ll need a dash of originality to establish a loyal fan base. To that end, here are a few ideas: what about a show about pants? It’s just that I’ve noticed every man on the cover of Esquire is wearing very nice pants, and it’s made me realize I don’t know much about pants at all—let alone where you get the nice ones. I’d also appreciate a fashion series about attaining the perfect stubble. You know, like Ben Affleck has when he’s not in a movie set in the 1970s.

We’re going to need some babes in there as well: do you really think men’s periodicals are anything but softcore pornography deemed appropriate for the doctor’s waiting room? Maybe an all-nude, all-female revamp of American Gladiators is in order. Or something where they get infrared footage of Kanye West having sex with that one Kardashian lady. But where the network could really shine is in importing those endlessly amusing magazine quizzes. Which NFL All-Star am I? What sort of pick-up artist persona do I have? Give me a meaningless multiple-choice test you take via remote control and I may just have to un-cancel my cable.

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