Eric Northman is The Fonz of Bon Temps

Dedicated Fangbangers (I know that’s what you call yourselves, no need to stand on ceremony here) may have noticed that last week’s recap was conspicuously missing from our exhaustive and totally comprehensive coverage of the most Important and Politically Relevant Program Of All Time, True Blood. That was my bad. I actually watched the episode, but I’m not sure I can remember anything that happened in it, as I had just bought myself a vintage model kit for a Tie Interceptor and was trying to concentrate on both things at once. And since I’m just not that good at deciphering stuff that involves a lot of small pieces that don’t really fit together and amount to a crappy product at the end anyway, I got frustrated and ended up muting my TV.

If you understood that convoluted metaphor was my attempt at comparing a crappy Star Wars toy made in Taiwan with Alan Ball’s increasingly cartoonish vampire melodrama, congratulations. You are definitely the type of person who loves the allegories on True Blood.

So what did I miss? Not much: Shapeshifters Sam and Luna turned into flies in order to infiltrate the authority’s underbelly and find Luna’s werewolf daughter, Lily, whom Reverend Vampire Steve Newlin had adopted as a puppy. All the Authority vampires started hallucinating that Lilith was calling on them to be the sort of resurrected Jesus of the Vampire Bible, even though Lilith was supposed to be Vampire Jesus, or something. Bill Compton went especially nutty, killing Chancellor Kibwe Akinjide (the one who was not Tony Todd, much to my disappointment) over who got to drink Lilith’s sacred blood. Then a human general who deals with the secret Black Ops vampire division comes in and is like "You guys are breaking the pact with American Government," because Steve and Russell Eddington ate a fraternity and someone caught it on tape. He’s not going to negotiate with terrorists, except he is, because look, he’s obviously flown all the way in from Washington without any protection against the League of Extraordinary Vampires. So Eric kills him. But you can tell he’s just faking being into it. Secretly, he doesn’t give a shit about who is right in The United States Vs. The Vampire Authority. I am right along with you, Eric.

Sheriff Bellefleur was visited by Faerie Maurella, who was super-pregnant with his progeny, even though they had sex pretty recently. Because even though fairies exist outside of time and don’t age, they apparently have a very short gestation period? This is just the stuff you don’t learn from National Geographic. Werewolf Alcide is chilling with his deadbeat dad, who used to be a pack leader, but is now a trailer park grifter. Pam takes the fall for Tara’s killing the new sheriff, which means those two are in love now.

Eric finally convinced Nora that they were being held in the vampire equivalent of Jonestown, and the incestuous brother and sister dipped out, because sadly the vampire sire-siblings that have sex are now the show’s voice of reason. Sookie and Jason were still trying to figure out why their great-great-great-grandfather promised the mother of his first faerie-born child to some vampire named Warlow, which leads to another faerie carnival-burlesque scene, only to find out that there is a more pressing issue in the form of a super-strong Russell Edgington and a totally crushin’ Steve Newlin running around, looking for their secret hideout. Which Jason leads them to after being glamored, which was part of the fairies’ plan. But then Russell eats the queen of the faeries who didn’t know who Ke$ha was, and so now he’s Super Mario star-power strong and can see through the invisible faerie nightclub, which might not have been part of the plan.

And that brings us to the season finale! Which hopefully, you turned off before the cold open, when Russell drank all the fairies’ magic glowing light they tried to flame at him and then exploded/melted, but not because Eric suddenly showed up to stake him. Because of, I don’t know, too much faerie power. Bye, Russell! Bye, Denis O’Hare! Bye, last remaining reason to watch this shitshow! Even Alan Ball is diving out of this speeding car wreck after this season, despite the fact that True Blood still garners the best ratings of Sunday night television. Yes, even better than Breaking Bad. This is the world we live in, and maybe the Sanguinistas are onto something behind us humans really shouldn’t be put in charge of anything, let alone nuclear energy or Nielsen ratings.

So, Russell is dead. Now who will be the force of evil Sookie will inevitably be whining about next season? In a somewhat surprising twist (no irony), it looks like it will be the resurrected Bill Compton, who turned out to not be faking his whole cult mentality after all. He kills Salome by poisoning the vial of Lilith’s blood with silver (ah, the ole’ "silver blood" gambit…this guy is one step away from defeating the Great Vizzini!) and then reveals to Eric and Sookie—who he’s let infiltrate the compound, for some reason—that what Salome drank wasn’t the real blood of Lilith. He still has it! And he’s going to drink it! Sookie is like "Come on, faerie vagina, remember?" and Eric is like "You are worshipping a mad god," which he delivers in his typical, half-shrugging manner. It is very cool how Eric can be simultaneously super-intense and still appear to not give a fuck. Truly the Fonz of True Blood.

But whoa, Bill turns his back on his former (fuck)buddies and drinks the Kool-Aid/Jesus-Lilith vampire blood. Then he explodes/melts. Kind of like Russell did, except he didn’t turn all glowy before his face melted off. And just when you are like, "Oh SHIT!" because maybe everyone involved in this show is just jumping ship, the pool of blood that used to be the main character starts to take form, like that water-face in The Abyss. And then Bill emerges naked from the blood, the way Lilith used to do, except now Bill is Lilith? And he is going to eat the shit out of Sookie and Eric! Maybe Bill is the new Fonz! (Bill will never be the Fonz.)

In the less important storylines: Alcide drinks V to defeat and kill the packmaster that made his girlfriend drink V, which I guess makes sense? Don’t do drugs except if you are doing it for revenge, is basically the message of this show. Also, his dad and his other ex girlfriend’s mom are very Team Alcide now. We work as a pack! No more drugs!

After being bit by Jessica who had to pretend to turn him into a vampire because Bill told her to, Jason is now hallucinating some evil version of his parents, telling him to kill all vampires. All that amounts to is him rejecting Jessica when she admits her love for him. To be fair to Jason, Jessica’s proclamation of love seems pretty convenient now that Hoyt is gone and she almost killed the only other guy in town who wants a piece of that.

Andy Bellefleur has to tell his girlfriend Holly that he kind of knocked up a faerie, and then Maurella starts orgasming/giving birth right in the middle of Merlotte’s, so Holly has to deliver the love-children (there are like, four of them) of her boyfriend and some slutty supe, which is even more embarrassing because Lafayette and some drunk lady are three feet away, drinking cocktails and making jokes like they are watching a particularly awful episode of Teen Mom. Then Maurella leaves Andy with his new daughters that she just orgasmed out of her vagina.

Tara and Pam make out. Sam turns into a fly to escape Bill, and Luna turns into Steve Newlin to save Lily, but then ruh-oh, Chancellor Harris needs Steve on air STAT! And she has no media training, and can’t even do a Southern accent! So halfway through the live broadcast, Steve starts vomiting blood and turns back into a chick shapeshifter. And Chancellor Harris was going to kill her, but Sam the fly goes into her mouth and then explodes out of her body, Scanners-style. And Luna looks like she’s dead, probably. Because of all the skin-walking and body-bursting and what have you.

In conclusion: fuck this bloody mess. Let someone else clean it up.


Alan Ball

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