Bon Temps Gets a Visit from the Smoke Monster from ‘Lost’

Halfway through this week’s episode of True Blood, either a power outage or Time Warner decided that it was going to do me a solid and just black out a good 15 minutes of the show. As it so happens, I don’t watch True Blood when it’s on (That’s right, I have DVR. Jealous?), so I didn’t notice that I had missed literally ¼ of the plot until I saw the time stamp at the end. What a perfect way to summarize the Finnegans Wake-ian qualities of True Blood‘s least coherent season: delete any quarter of the program and it will still make just as much sense as it would if you watched the whole thing. I might start making that my standard viewing practice, actually.

Still, there’s way too much to slog through. Like all this Lilith nonsense. Some vampires believe in the literal interpretation of the Vampire Bible, where Lilith is like Jesus except she commands you to drink human blood instead of her own. Other vampires believe in a more peaceful version of Lilith, who would like humans to coexist with vampires. Either way, you have to at least pretend to believe in Lilith in order to be for or against The Authority, although some vampires are just faking it. Russell Edgington, God bless him, doesn’t give a shit about Lilith or any "magical thinking" of made-up religions. He also doesn’t care about the Sanguinistas, or the Vampire Bible. He just drinks human blood because—and I quote—"It makes my dick hard." Seriously, God bless you, Russell Edgington.

Also like Jesus, Lilith still might be walking among us, performing miracles. Miracles such as digging psychopathic vampires who don’t believe in your existence (see above, re: Russell,) out of their cement tombs and nursing them to health with papoose-wrapped humans hung from meat lockers inexplicably located in an abandoned mental institution. Water and wine stuff, basically.

Just to be clear here, when I refer to Jesus, I’m talking Jesus Jesus. From the human Bible. Not Jesus, Lafayette’s dead boyfriend, whose disembodied head has begun popping up with his mouth sewn shut in visions received by both his ex and his ex’s schizophrenic mother. It’s just worth a mention, because that can be kind of confusing, especially when Lafayette’s crazy-mom, Ruby Mae, decides to switch which Jesus she’s referring about in the middle of explaining to Lafayette that he needs to go find Jesus’ evil uncle. (Not, like, God’s brother, but the sorcerer guy in Mexico.)

"Jesus loves you! Jesus will always love you! Jesus loves you faggots!" Screams Ruby Mae to her gay son. Oh, brother. Well, at least there’s another roadtrip plot to take us out of Bon Temps for a bit.

But as one character leaves, two return. (Isn’t that always the way?) We’ve finally gotten to the bottom of the burning question that’s been nagging us since season one of True Blood: What’s eating Terry Bellefleur? Turns out his PTSD erased his memory of slaughtering an entire Iraqi village on the Fourth of July. Also, the part where he shot an old woman point-blank three times in the chest while she was in the middle of putting a powerful Smoke Monster curse on him. Meanwhile, ABC is getting ready to sue the shit out of True Blood for actually using the term "Smoke Monster" to refer to the Ifrit. Now Terry is going to leave Arlene. Bye, Terry!

A group is out there killing "supes" (supernaturals) of all kinds now, and even though Sam Merlotte and his girlfriend were just shot, like, a billion times, he’s feeling much better the next morning, and has decided to help the sheriff figure out who done it. Andy doesn’t condone vigilante justice, until Sam saves him from getting shot himself by that Weapons-R-Us owner who sold Sookie that totally ineffective silver mist. Sam kills the dude with a crossbow before he can shoot Andy, because he "smelled his survival mode kicking in." Which makes you wonder why this town is run by Sheriff Bellefleur and Jason in the first place—the only two men left on the show without super powers-—and not Sam Merlotte, who can turn into whatever he wants. Or Sookie, who can read people’s minds. Or anybody/thing else, basically.

Anyway, that particular mystery is solved supes-quicked, as the supe-killers are a bunch of Hoyt’s friends wearing Barack Obama masks. We find out when Hoyt almost dies trying to turn tricks out back at Fangtasia because Jessica won’t feed off of him anymore. They kill the vampire and carry their buddy into the van.

Quick question: sorry, being a fangbanger doesn’t mean you have to dress like a member of Wham! years meets Duckie, does it Hoyt? Here’s a tip for all guys, even those who don’t live in a world with vampires: Take off that black nail polish, pop down the collar on your purple vest (which you’ve paired with a tie but no shirt), and ungell your hair if you want your ex-girlfriend to see you as a viable romantic prospect.

Not that it’s any more masculine in fairy-town. Why would it be? It’s a goddamn fairy-town. (Dimension. Nightclub. Whatever.) Sookie helps Eric and Bill turn Russell over to the Authority—that happens in the first two minutes, good work team!—and Bill has to pretend to glamour her for the sake of appearances. Eric actually glamours Alcide into protecting Sookie forever but also adds in a little something extra to make sure the dog doesn’t get his bone: now the werewolf has a Clockwork Orange-like aversion to Sookie’s fairy vagina. Thanks, Eric. Who will Sookie bone now? (That’s the number one question of True Blood, back and forth, forever.)

Plagued by that question and nursing an incredible hangover, our protagonist drags her brother out to the fairy nightclub with the choreographed burlesque routines to find out if a vampire really killed her parents. After an elaborate scene where the background dancers incorporate way too much Bob Fosse, Sookie gets her answer. Her parents didn’t die in a "flash flood." They were killed by a vampire that smelled her blood on a Band-Aid in the backseat. Gross. Also, can we nickname Sookie "99 Problems"?Tara hates her, and is bartending nights over at Fangtasia anyway. Lafayette tried to kill her. Bill and Eric are both gone until they need her again. The idea of her naked makes Alcide want to puke. And now she finds out she’s responsible for her parents’ deaths. Plus, the whole telepathy thing is a fucking headache. The best you can say about Sookie in terms of her not committing suicide is that ever since she killed that werewolf Debbie, a bitch ain’t one. Of her problems, that is. Sookie has no beef with any dog-ladies at the present moment. She does get fairy-blasted by a bunch of pissed off nightclub patrons, though.

What else? Oh, yeah, Russell is brought before Roman to be given the True Death. Even more humiliating is the fact that Roman plans on doing it in golfing attire, because he wants to get some holes in before the sun comes up. Douchebag. But this was all part of Lilith’s plan, or something, because Russell’s stake-bomb doesn’t go off like it’s supposed to, and he instead zips over and kills Roman. Bye bye, Christopher Meloni. We’ll always remember your cameo as the head of the nonsensical metaphorical for the Taliban/Catholic Church/Liberal America!

The bad news here is that this Lilith concept is truly one of the stupidest ideas ever introduced into True Blood, and that’s saying something for a show that just stole a Smoke Monster from Lost and made it Middle Eastern.

The good news is that Denis O’Hare is back in amazing form. If HBO could do a spin-off just about Russell Edgington, I’d be on that tighter than bark on a tree. (H/T to Arlene for the True Blood‘s "we’re not even trying anymore" fake Southern idiom of the evening.)

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