‘American Horror Story’: Hurricane Sandy Comes To Briarcliff

Well, last night’s episode hit a little close to home, didn’t it? Look, I’m not saying that Ryan Murphy’s team of psycho-horror fanboys over there writing American Horror Story were necessarily psychic when they devoted this week’s episode to a Nor’Easter (which also happened to be the title) the same week Hurricane Sandy hit the East Coast and scared us all shitless. That was probably just a coincidence. After all, if you throw enough creepy pasta at a wall, eventually something is going to stick, and last night we saw spaghetti flying everywhere. Somewhere else in the country, someone was probably like, "How did this show know that I am very scared of having my legs amputated by Nazi war criminals?" while someone else (probably on the West Coast) was like, "How did this show know how very scared I am that Adam Levine is almost impossible to kill, even with one arm?"

I mean, “Nor’Easter” had something for everyone, and that continued this season’s pattern of being terrible by trying to please everyone at once. Did we really need to see a possessed nun deal with mutant zombies? Or watch torture porn scenes of Kit getting stabbed in the neck by Dr. Arden, who has revealed himself to be a brother of the good doctor from Marathon Man? (His accent is even more impeccable than Lawrence Olivier’s!) Did we need to have both a Wes Craven-esque opening sequence where the crazies who (finally) kill Adam Levine and Mrs. Channing Tatum then get stalked themselves by the real Bloody Face, as well as an entire "drunk nun getting creepy phone calls from the girl she accidentally ran over/Satan?" How about we just deal with one problem at a time, American Horror Story? Slow down, you have all season!

The problem of throwing the entire kitchen sink into one episode is that, at a certain point, you pass you fear threshold and things just become comical. I watched this episode in the middle of Hurricane Sandy, and instead of quaking with fear over nature’s ability to call down insanity from the sky, I was cracking up over the site of a legless Chloe Sevigny. I don’t even know how that makes sense, even in the world of Briarcliff. Much like Sister Jude’s problem with Lana Winters staying at the asylum, the idea that Arden could keep the abduction, and amputation of the resident nymphomaniac a secret is ridiculous. What, are his chambers soundproof? Does he plan to turn her into a zombie, like his pack of Frankensteins currently guarding the premises? If so…what?

It also makes no sense that Arden periodically wheels in Kit to torture him and threaten to cut his brain out of his head. Because then what? We never see a resolution to these scenes, but Kit is always returned to the ward, meaning that the mad scientist just kind of waves around a scalpel for awhile and rants about Jews before letting the kid go free. Good thing there’s not a psychiatrist on staff that is about to tell the world that Kit isn’t Bloody Face!

Maybe this would just be easier as a glossary:

– Aliens: Sister Jude sees one when she drunk from the communal wine that the devil inside of Sister Mary Eunice entices her to drink.

– Sluts/Whores: What Dr. Arden calls everyone he tries to rape. Sometimes, he calls inanimate statues sluts. Also, there is something wrong with his penis. 

– Monsters: Bloody Face is apparently a composite of a bunch of limbs and flesh and stuff, and those monsters in the woods that Dr. Arden has some connection to seem to be made of the same misfit features.

– Satan: The one living inside Mary Eunice. Unlike Exorcist demons, this one isn’t even trying to play nice, or regress for a bit before popping back up. The nun spends the entire episode stirring up trouble, although in the most weirdly insignificant way ever. Sure, she got under Jude’s skin with all that dead girl stuff, and she finally got Arden all hot and bothered, not to mention she straight up stabbed a bitch to death and fed her to the Bloody Faces. But she also almost let five inmates escape the asylum because she was too involved in a movie? Come on, Beelzebub. Get a grip.

– Sincere Kit: So less attractive than Crying Tate. I’d wager that 99% of those watching at home have just as much interest in seeing Evan Peters’ act earnest all season as they do watching Zachary Quinto continue to be ineffectual.

– Pinhead Pepper: Now, where did she run off to? And did you know that she’s played by a very pretty actress IRL?

– Wet clothes: Tell me how both the staff of Briarcliff, Dr. Thredson, and THE DEVIL managed to miss the part where a totally freaked out Grace, Kit, and Lana re-enter the asylum after escaping into a terrible storm and coming upon the monsters in the woods?

– "I think we found the Mexican!" Best thing to shout when you come upon a dismembered body. Ever.

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