Joe Jonas’ Reaction to Zayn Malik and Gigi Hadid Holding Hands Proves We Are All Joe Jonas

While today is a very good day for Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik’s publicists, today is not a good day for Joe Jonas. The Internet is aflutter with news that the model and former One Directioner stepped out in public holding hands, thus confirming the rumors that they are dating. And whether or not the relationship is a well-constructed PR scam, the handholding is very, very real.

This earth-shattering news comes just one month after Hadid’s breakup with Jonas, who, despite being super hot and mega rich, felt the burn just like any regular dude would. No, the singer and I are not pals, though I would totally be besties with Joe Jonas, so how do I know this? Because Jonas did exactly what you or I or any reasonable human would do upon discovering the dude he’s referred to as a member of his “squad” publically, on social media, is dating his ex: he unfollowed said ex and deleted the post in which he referred to Malik as a fellow squad member.

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I’m going to argue that this is most definitely not a PR tactic, as it makes Jonas appear scorned and an all around “loser” in this very public breakup (just look at the headlines), despite having a very human reaction to what was really a dick move on Malik’s part. And yes, this all sounds very high school (especially given the repeated use of the word handholding), but the not-so-important news of Hadid and Malik’s budding romance did give way to one very important revelation: We are all Joe Jonas.

Morgan Spurlock Making 3D Documentary About One Direction, Because Why The Hell Not?

Looks like Morgan Spurlock will be making The Greatest Movie Ever Sold after all. During an appearance on The Today Show on Tuesday, mega-headliner British boy band/popular subjects of Tumblr slash fiction One Direction announced they would be starring in a 3-D concert documentary, and that Spurlock, best known for the 2004 Oscar-nominated doc Super Size Me, would direct. Because why the hell not? The Band had Scorsese at their finest hour; the Talking Heads had Jonathan Demme. And now One Direction has Morgan Spurlock. It sounds about right, in a weird way.

"I’m delighted we’re making this film and Morgan is the perfect person to give that access-all-areas, behind-the-scenes look into what it’s like to be One Direction today," Simon Cowell, the scowling curator of The X-Factor-turned-producer, said in a statement. "What the band have achieved is incredible, they and their fans have made history around the world – this is for them."

This is probably a better career move for Spurlock than it is for One Direction. People are going to see this movie regardless of who directs it because singing British teens—I mean, the Bieber 3D concert film didn’t have a Jonathan Demme behind it (it did, however, have the dude responsible for Step Up 2: The Streets, which is a treasure of modern cinema, so no hate there either). Although Spurlock has been crazy busy the past few years still making films in the wake of his almost dying to show us how dangerous fast food is while simultaneously making some viewers want it more and his recent films like The Greatest Movie Ever Sold and Comic Con Episode IV: A Fan’s Hope have been met with positive reviews, commercial reception has been a lot quieter compared to his hit. 

And yea, millions of teens will flock to cinemas worldwide during Labor Day weekend 2013 to see if Spurlock is indeed able to illuminate them about anything they didn’t already know about the Factor Five—and Spurlock has quite a challenge ahead of him if he wants to get past the group’s PR team and really get some personal dirt. Anyway, in case you haven’t had enough 1D today, here are the lads performing on the Today Show, where they drew in a record crowd of 15,000 fans: