eHarmony Founder Looking to Spend $10 Million to Crack the Gay Code

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You know how gay people can’t join eHarmony? Oh, well, I say; we have literally every other dating site (plus a few of our own). But the creators of eHarmony (namely founder Neil Clark Warren, or the seemingly friendly old guy in those commercials) retalliated by creating an LGBT version of eHarmony called Compatible Partners. You see, dudes who like dudes and ladies who like ladies go about everything in a totally different way than normal straight people. Like, for example, gay men just start screwing each other immediately until they get bored after about three weeks, and lesbians pick up U-Hauls on the second date. That’s the kind of thinking, I guess, that is happening at the eHarmony board meetings, and now Warren thinks the company should spend a ton of money to figure out this whole gay business once and for all.

In a video interview with Yahoo Finance web series Off The Cuff (via Beta Beat), Warren goes into detail about what "damaged" his matchmaking company: the same-sex marriage issue. "I’m tired of it," he says. Warren continues, claiming that Christian users were so angry when Compatible Partners was launched (at the behest of the New Jersey attorney general, by the way, who found that eHarmony was discriminating against LGBT users) that the company "literally had to hire guards to protect our lives." (Oh, those Christians! So loving. So compassionate.) 

How can he, the grand master of online dating, fix this problem? Well:

I have said that eHarmony really ought to put up $10 million and ask other companies to put up money and do a really first class job of figuring out homosexuality. At the very best, it’s been a painful way for a lot of people to have to live. But at this point, at this age, I want America to start drawing together. I want it to be more harmonious.

Here’s a suggestion: stop being dicks, for one, and also pull your heads out of your asses and recognize that people who identify as one of the convenient letters that the mainstream press likes to throw around in an effort to be inclusive just want to be included. Because, honestly, people like me have the same desires that straight people have, and the fact that it’s 2013 and I have to type that out for anyone is something that consistently blows my mind. It’s not rocket science! It’s not even math, which is probably why the people who create online dating sites (which match you up based entirely on how one answer questions and curated cultural interests and not because of, say, mutual attraction) have such a hard time seeing it as a fact. 

And while we’re on the subject of eHarmony: the company’s self-reported statistics include claims like the following:

Every day in America, 542 people marry after meeting on eHarmony.com — according to the online dating website. That’s 5 percent of all new U.S. marriages. On average, there’s an eHarmony wedding every 2.65 minutes, the company claims.

How the hell does that work? I mean, really: think about it, folks. Is the point of a dating website—any dating website, from eHarmony to Match.com and OKCupid—to get you out of the singles game and into a long, lasting relationship? Or is the whole point of an online dating website to make money on its users who eventually return to said site to dip their toes back into the dating pool? It seems like a lot of dating sites haven’t figured out straight match-ups, so I don’t think we need to rack our brains too hard when it comes to finding out how to set up two gay guys or—gasp!—someone who falls under the T category. (But I’m pretty sure there aren’t too many people worried about catering to what seems like a small percentage of the population, right?)

But hey, if they wanna pass $10 million my way for a quick consultation on how to treat gay people with respect and tact, they should totally get in touch.

Follow Tyler Coates on Twitter.