Seriously, You Guys, Please Save ‘Happy Endings’

So you’ve probably been reading a lot about how Happy Endings is amazing and hilarious and the funniest show on TV, but due to its low ratings, it has been hit with the unfortunate schedule shuffling (including a move to the Friday night death-spot), episode-burning-off and possible cancellation. ABC has responded to fan pleas with a weird ad campaign, imploring fans to put the work in and save the show. Judging by the current schedule change, it looks like their minds are made up, but to dangle another season in front of fans like a carrot on a string, to sound almost as if the show is being held hostage and only you can save it—and even if views are really the only thing that can keep the show from going off the air, y’all, that’s just mean. Maybe, ABC, if you didn’t keep shuffling it around, casual fans of the show would, like, actually know when it’s on and be able to watch it and keep it from getting canceled.

And Happy Endings getting canceled, as it seems more and more likely, would still really be a bummer, you guys. But maybe we should put the extra effort in to watch it, and to convince our friends and contemporaries and people on the subway to as well. Use whatever selling point works best: the plotlines about dueling bar mitzvah emcees, the "it’s like Friends, but…," the delightful Adam Pally and Casey Wilson, the backstory that they all met as cast members on The Real World, which is sort of weird and amazing in and out of universe. Whatever cards work best in your deck, you know?

Is this what you want, America? Do you really want probably the best sitcom on television right now to get the axe while Two and a Half Men continues to drag its bloated swamp-creature corpse across your living room? Of course not! At least, we hope not. So here’s what we’re going to do: I’m going to end this post with an episode of Happy Endings. You are (hopefully—I can’t tell you how to live your life) going to watch it. You will hopefully find it hilarious, and you will continue to watch this show and end this sitcom hostage crisis. Because this show deserves at least one more season of bringing us joy, lest the cast somehow launch a Kickstarter campaign to try to resurrect it as a movie or something a few years later. 

Miley Cyrus Might Replace Angus T. Jones On ‘Two And A Half Men’

Three years ago when Miley Cyrus was pole dancing at the Teen Choice Awards, no one would have guessed she’d end up being one of the most well-adjusted child stars today. So well-adjusted, in fact, that she is supposedly being considered to Angus T. Jones, the Two And A Half Men star who has seemingly lost his marbles.

Here’s the backstory, for those of you who wisely tune out all news Men-related: Jones is a child actor on the show who apparently earns $350,000 per episode. He has also recently become a born-again Christian of the vocal, prosthletizing variety. Earlier this week, a video was released by something called the Forerunner Chronicles in which Angus T. Jones ranted about how "the enemy" (the devil) is coming to get your through your television set and no one should watch Two And A Half Men because the show is "filth." 

"If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men," he said. "I’m on Two and a Half Men. I don’t want to be on it. Please stop watching it. Please stop filling your head with filth."

Very quickly, Jones released a statement — obviously worded by his lawyers — apologizing the cast and crew. His mother told the UK’s Daily Mail she is afraid he’s being "exploited" by his church. 

So, anyway, now Celebuzz is reporting from sources at CBS that Two And A Half Men honchos are considering replacing Jones with Miley Cyrus, who has recently guest-starred on the show. 

Said the source, "When she was on set she, was pleasant and very enjoyable to work with,” they said. “She won everyone over. Now the whispers are growing louder. People involved in the show want Miley to replace Angus."

Well, that’s nice. We could also take that entire stupid program and dump in into the deep end of the ocean. That would be fine with me, too. 

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Morning Links: Lee Aronsohn Apologizes, ‘Idler Wheel’ Gets Release Date

Two and a Half Men creator Lee Aronsohn attempted to apologize via Twitter yesterday for his misogynistic comments about the over-saturation of women (and their menstrual cycles) on television. “Women, please look up ‘irony,’ ” he wrote at first, before deleting it for a more straightforward admittance that, "Yes, yes, it was a stupid joke." It might be a while longer before we get an apology for the show’s portrayal of women and general. [EW]

● Adele says that she’ll have a new single ready before the year is out, but that it will be at least another two years and "a little bit" of living before her next album is done. [Us]

● The remaining few details–track list, cover art, and release date–for Fiona Apple’s much-anticipated The Idler Wheel is wiser than the Driver of the Screw, and Whipping Cords will serve you more than Ropes will ever do have surfaced. [CoS]

● ASAP Rocky calls Lana Del Rey his "bitch" on their shockingly au courant collaboration, "Ridin’", off of Brooklyn production duo the KickDrums mixtape, which drops today. You could listen to this preview, or enjoy a blissfully ignorant last few moments with out it. [Stereogum]

● Tagg Romney, son of Mitt, is nonplussed by Mad Men‘s ribbing of his grandfather, George Romney, the governor of Michigan in 1966 when the episode was set. "Seriously, lib media mocking my dead grandpa?” he tweeted. "Dad is fair game, grandpa isn’t." [THR]

● A lucky British art collector picked up an original Andy Warhol–a pop-art portrait of crooner Rudy Vallee done by a 10-year-old Warhol–at a Las Vegas yard sale for just five dollars. Worth $2 million on the market, the man insists he doesn’t want to sell the "incredibly important work." “It redefines the work of one of the most famous artists of the last 100 years," he says. [NYP]

Jon Cryer ‘Thrilled’ Charlie Sheen Didn’t Die

When future generations painstakingly pick apart our current civilization month by month, they will pause at the events of last spring and say, “Charlie Sheen was crazy!” Then they’ll move on and forget all about him, something we’re incapable of doing. Between his Comedy Central roast this Sunday and the upcoming premiere of Two and a Half Men, everyone seems to be talking about Charlie Sheen again. You’re probably thinking, “Didn’t he die?” Apparently not, and according to E!, Jon Cryer is “thrilled” about that.

During his appearance on Ellen today, Sheen’s old Two and a Half Men costar said, “Mostly I was worried that Charlie was going to die. That was the big fear for me.” He continued, “And that…that did not occur and I’m thrilled about that.” After Sheen was fired from Two and a Half Men, he called Cryer a “troll” and a “turncoat.” Remember that? That was actual news. Cryer handled the insults graciously, which became news in itself. When asked about this, he told Ellen, “We have not spoken. And I will accept an apology both public and private. But again, it was in the heat of the moment I imagine when he said…So I did not put a whole lot of credence in it at the time.” Wasn’t spring a simpler time? Then we killed bin Laden and everyone forgot about Charlie Sheen.

That is, until the new intro for Two and a Half Men was released featuring Ashton Kutcher in Sheen’s stead. Hmm, we wonder what Charlie Sheen thinks about that.

Morning Links: Big Boi Caught With Ecstasy & Viagra, Charlie Sheen Dies in ‘Meat Explosion’

Harry Potter beat out Twilight in the Choice Sci-Fi/Fantasy category at last night’s Teen Choice Awards. Everything else went to Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift, or Justin Bieber, more or less. [E!] ● Antwan “Big Boi” Patton was arrested in Miami for possession of powdered MDMA, ecstasy, and viagra — you know, the makings of a real good night. [TMZ] ● Michael C. Hall seems to be adjusting quit nicely to the single life, bonding with his furry friends as single people are wont do. “Things are great. I’m loving life,” he said. “I spend a lot of time with my cats…. They’re my four-legged friends.” [ShowbizSpy]

● Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler are so over that they’re returning their wedding gifts. And with them, they’re attaching a sweet and sometimes personal little note! Aww. [Deadspin] ● TMZ has done the dirty work and discovered that Charlie Sheen is killed off Two and a Half Men during a brutal “meat explosion” after he getting hit by a subway. Anyways, Charlie seems into it. [TMZ] ● It seems that Weezer has taken to covering Foster the People’s song of the summer, “Pumped Up Kicks.” We all age faster than we’d like, but Rivers Cuomo is perhaps aging the fastest of us all. [NME]

Charlie Sheen’s ‘Two and a Half Men’ Character to Be Killed Off

Finally, the brain trust at Two and a Half Men has pinpointed a creative way to explain Charlie Sheen’s character’s absence from the show. He died! Duh.

In the season premiere in September, it will be revealed that Charlie died somehow. Apparently the working method is “drove off a cliff.” So now you’ve got him safely at the bottom of a cliff, trapped in a mangled wreck. Then the problem becomes Ashton Kutcher’s entrance. Will he buy the Harper house? Will anyone watching the show care how Ashton Kutcher got there? If you’re already someone who watches that show on a regular basis, the battle for your mindpower is lost (or won, depending on how you look at it.)

To recap: Sheen was fired from the show during his drug-fueled public meltdown in March. Since then he’s been doing God-knows-what, traveling the country on his “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour and putting out a low-rent web series, and his last goddess finally left him. His exorbitant $100 million suit against WBTV and Chuck Lorre will probably be handled in private arbitration, as an LA Superior Court judge decided against dealing with it. Rumors are circulating about Sheen’s possible return to television, as Radar Online reports that Sheen signed a deal with Lionsgate that’s actually managed to start a bidding war.

Meanwhile, Kutcher signed on to act in TAAHM in May. He’s expected to bring in a youthful audience culled from his 6.7 million Twitter followers, plus inject the stodgy sitcom with some coolness. If there’s one thing that still smacks of cool in 2011, it’s trucker hat-clad Ashton Kutcher.

Masochistic Comedian to Watch Entirety of ‘Two & a Half Men’ in One Sitting

Today, comedian Gil Ozeri is embarking on a grueling mission to watch every single episode of Two and a Half Men without a break. The real grace note to this is that all the show’s episodes add up to about 62 hours, which is pretty much exactly two and a half days.

Ozeri allegedly started planning the stunt before the recent Charlie Sheen meltdown, but now the timing is right. The whole thing is going to be videotaped and broadcast online, and produced by Funny or Die. Someone notify Charlie Sheen. Ozeri writes:

Charlie Sheen is the highest paid actor on television. Two and a Half Men is the most watched comedy on TV. Two and a Half Men is also a crutch for every comedian when they need to reference the worst thing on TV.

I have also never seen a single episode.

Now, “Two and a Half Men” might be terrible. But I don’t want to make any “judgments” before I see it.

Ergo, Two and a Half Days of Two and a Half Men. He’s insane, and also possibly a genius. This is Marina Abramovic-level endurance art, for 62 hours. Winning, tiger blood, etc.