From The Sex Scene To The Twist Ending: ‘Breaking Dawn Part 2’ Is Epic

Here are some things you need to know about Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2.

1.     There’s a sex scene that makes you feel like you took E and a hit of a bong, drank a milkshake, and are discovering human touch for the first time in your life. This song plays the entire time.

2.     Every part involving Bella & Edward’s child Renesmee Cullen melts your heart into a tiny puddle of butter and love.

3.     Out-of-place clothing choices:

– In one scene, Robert Pattinson wears a hoodie that looks like he just cleaned out his garage.

– In one of the last scenes, Kristen Stewart wears a dowdy striped shirt with her hair messily up as if she just mopped up Renesmee’s spilled apple juice.

4.     In the opening scene, this song plays, restoring your faith in the magic of life, synth, and light reggae beats.

5.     There’s a twist ending that will blow your mind and it’s too epic to talk about.

I hope you’re ready…

Kristen Stewart Thinks Your Critiques Of ‘Twilight’ Are All Wrong

Okay. So. In fairness, Kristen Stewart said this stuff while sitting next to Twilight series author Stephenie Meyer in a promotional event for Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part Two. That’s not the ideal time or place for a substantive critique of the material. But as Stewart defended Bella and Edward’s relationship as "entirely equal," I had to wonder whether we had read the same books and watched the same movies.

As quoted on Jezebel, Stewart responded thusly to a question about whether the intensity of Bella and Edward’s love affair was sending a bad message to young women: 

Flop the roles. If Bella was a vampire and Edward was the human and you changed nothing but the genders, none of that criticism would exist. It would be ‘Wow, he just laid everything on the line for her. It’s so amazing, and it must take such strength to subject yourself to that.’ Also, the relationship is entirely equal.

Side-eye, right?

I’m embarrassed to say I’ve seen all the Twilight films thus far and read most of the books. Thus, I do think that an argument can be made in defense of Stewart’s comments if you look at the themes in the books conceptually, rather than in specifics. Conceptually, the books are about two young lovers who sacrifice everything for each other. In that way, they are equal. Bella is a resolute and passionate character and I do think she is at times unfairly criticized as "weak." 

But there are numerous specific incidents in the stories in which Edward’s behavior towards Bella is problematic — not just because it is controlling, but because it is controlling in ways men have historically controlled women. The gender dynamic between them does matter. Numerous times in the movies Edward physically prevents her from doing things, he is possessive and jealous around Jacob the werewolf, and he withholds sex from her (despite her insistence she is not physically harmed by it) because he knows what’s best. All of those are items you most definitely could find on a "cycle of abuse" chart in any domestic violence counselor’s office. And if we’re going to loop Jacob into the critique, I found it extremely disconcerting how  involved he got in Bella and Edward’s sex life in the latest film, as well. Men being possessive in their protectiveness of women is most certainly an overarching theme.

It’s not so simple to just "flop the roles," as Stewart insisted. To "flop the roles" suggests men and women have always been completely equal. It ignores the centuries of male domination which are the reason people find aspects the characters’ behavior problematic in the first place.

I personally don’t look to Hollywood actresses for critiques of gender. But in this incidence, I’m disappointed in how off Kristen Stewart got it. 

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Robsten Predictably Awkward About ‘Breaking Dawn: Part 2’ Sex Scene

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart gave their first interview together since the cheating scandal — or "cheating scandal" — broke this July. If you guessed anything had changed since then, you guessed wrong. The two are still both unenthusiastic and sardonic and predictably awkward.

MTV asked the pair about the sex scene in Breaking Dawn: Part 2 and how it compared to the honeymoon sex scene in Breaking Dawn: Part 1. Not that I’ve seen the Twilight movies or anything, but … in Part 1, Bella is still a human, so sex with Edward is so rough it breaks the headboard and covers her arms with bruises. (And then Bella spends the rest of the honeymoon moping about how Edward won’t have sex with her, which frankly, is grounds for divorce right there.) 

I think we can assume from the chummy demeanor that MTV agreed not to ask the two about the cheating and the split. Yay for journalism. Here they are below:

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Prayers Answered, Kristen Stewart And Robert Pattinson Back Together

Breaking news! Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, a couple that may not have actually even broken up in the first place, is back together!

This July, the Earth stood still when Stewart admitted to cheating on her longtime boyfriend with her Snow White & The Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders. US Weekly printed photos of the pair kissing and Stewart bizarrely begged for forgiveness in a public statement:

I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.

Today, the UK’s Sun "exclusively" reports that after "heart-to-hearts" Pattinson has forgiven Stewart’s "stupid mistake" and the pair has moved into a new place in Los Angeles together. (Pattinson famously moved out of the couple’s pad after the scandal broke and allegedly stayed at Reese Witherspoon’s place to lick his wounds.) Says the Sun’s source:

Rob sees it as Kristen made a really stupid mistake. After a lot of long tearful talks, they’ve worked it out. Rob can see how truly sorry Kristen is and has totally forgiven her. They really do love each other.

‘course, all this is predicated on the your belief that Robsten broke up in the first place and this all was not an extremely elaborate marketing scheme for Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part Two

In any case, I know at least one person who will be happy to hear the news: Emma Clark, YouTube’s most famous hysterical Twilight fan.

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Comediva’s “BAMF Girls’ Club”: A Fandom-Spoofing Series We Can Believe In

When fans of a particular series of creative works—particularly in the sci-fi/fantasy realm—begin creating fan-made works based on said series, the results can be a bit hit-or-miss. For every “Potter Puppet Pals,” there are a few thousand yawn-worthy spoofs. And when crossovers occur, the results are often even worse.

Not so with “The BAMF Girls’ Club,” a fun new fantasy-fan web series from Internet collective of funny women Comediva. The premise: a reality show featuring badass women of popular literary and television works—Hermione Granger, Buffy Summers, Lisbeth Salander, Katniss Everdeen, Michonne from The Walking Dead and Bella Swan (one of these things is not like the other…)—sharing a house. They drink, they hunt, they argue about house rules, and the parody feels both loving and well-researched. The Bella jokes are a bit one-note (save for one involving an unlikely meal in the pilot episode), but it’s extremely fun to watch each actress take on her character—Iselle Slome, who plays Lisbeth Salander, is particularly on-point.

In the third installment of the series, which hit the web this week, the housemates adopt one of the fantasy world’s littlest badasses: a fresh-from-community-service Arya Stark from Game of Thrones. When she goes sword-crazy with Katniss and Michonne (leading to a rather uncomfortable case of mistaken identity on the part of Katniss), hilarity ensues. Watch below, check out the previous episodes and if you’re of a particular ilk of nerd, cross your fingers with us for a guest appearance from Dana Scully. Please?  

That Guy Split Up With What’s-Her-Face

TMZ, People, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation have all harmoniously confirmed the terrible breakup of a torrid sexual relationship between Hollywood actors Jennifer Anniston and Robert Pattinson, who appeared on The Daily Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to confirm that he will be the new legal guardian for Suri Cruise, the illegitimate child of British chanteuse Adele and an unnamed father who is probably Bret Michaels, the rock star famous for his recently called-off double-engagement to Twilight’s Kristen Stewart and one of the girls from Teen Mom.

Meanwhile, Gillian Anderson, Anne Hathaway and Carey Mulligan have filed for a divorce from their respective husbands—Stevie Wonder, Tom Cruise and Justin Theroux (née Jeremy Piven). Kenny G, accredited just two days ago as a lawyer, will represent both men in what is likely to be a blood-soaked beast of a court proceeding. Kenny G is also caught in the middle of his own bitter divorce from a crazed fan, who filed for marriage without his knowledge; that case is presided over by Judge Judy.

Judge Judy could not be reached for comment, but this weekend she was spotted scarfing down hamburgers at Chateau Marmont with Ryan Gosling, the world-renown David Duchovny impersonator.

Meet Emma Clark, YouTube’s Hysterical ‘Twilight’ Fan

If you thought the hysterical Twilight fan who sobbed on YouTube over the news that Kristen Stewart had cheated on Robert Pattinson was performance art, think again. YouTube user NuttyMadam3765 is really Emma Clark of the UK and, yes, she really was that upset.

The newspaper Metro UK tracked down Clark, who has feeling filming Twilight reaction videos for four years now. When she filmed her hysterical video about Stewart’s cheating, she said she had just been totally caught off gaurd:

I thought the story about Kristen Stewart cheating on Robert Pattinson wasn’t true. But then, just before doing the video, I got an email from a friend about the statement Kristen had released. That was when I realised she’d really done it. I was angry and upset – why would you cheat on Robert Pattinson? I couldn’t understand it. … I feel protective and that I should stand up for them. People were making  accusations and jumping to conclusions, which bothered me to the point where I thought I had to get involved.

So that’s how this happened:

Not surprisingly, Clark’s boss is not "massively keen" about all the attention she has attracted. But she hardly cares, because her reaction vids have even gotten Pattinson’s attention: She once attended a movie premiere and SparkleVamp walked up to her on the red carpet, said "Video girl!" and gave her a hug.

Meanwhile, she is experiencing a "bereavement" (her words!) over the Twilight films coming to an end. So maybe Emma Clark is a bit nutty. She actually seems quite sweet, too.

Your Pre-Weekend Diversion: Will Ferrell Has Feelings About ‘Twilight’ Stars’ Breakup

It’s been a week or so, so whatever emotions you had—be they extreme bawwwwing or general apathy—over the breakup of Twilight stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, have probably come to pass. You’re also probably not a Saturday Night Live alum trying to sell his latest movie during an interview with Conan on his titular late-night talk show.

While promoting The Campaign Thursday night, Will Ferrell visited Conan and had a lot of things to get off his chest about the R-Patz/K-Stew breakup. Deadpan news-breaking occurs, followed by the waterworks, followed by shouting, followed by portmanteaus, most notably "Trampire." Ferrell also expresses his feeling directly responsible for said breakup and wishing he could have done more. Looks like the nation will still need a little more time to heal. 

Goodnight everybody, and have a great weekend! 

Kristen Stewart To Possibly Ruin ‘Lie Down in Darkness’

Look, Kristen Stewart is fine by me. She’s a so-so actress, having peaked, in my opinion, in Adventureland (cold and emotionally distant female love-interest? Perfect casting!). Twilight‘s kind of a horror-show, but it’s not her—or Rob Pattinson’s—fault. And hey, I will let her live her life post-cheating scandal, because who really knows for sure what’s going on in either of their heads? It’s all behind closed doors! And it’s probably best that way. But I will put my goddamn foot down when it comes to Kristen Stewart being cast as the doomed Peyton Loftis in an adaptation of William Styron’s Lie Down in Darkness.

The novel, which was the debut from the Sophie’s Choice author, is a tour de force. It’s the perfect basis for a film! It’s got a lot of romantic drama and turmoil, and the character of Peyton Loftis is one that would be a dream role for a young actress. Jennifer Lawrence wanted it! Jennifer Lawrence, who is a great actress! And, sadly, Vulture reports that the role is going to Stewart instead:

Directed by Crazy Heart helmer Scott Cooper and set in genteel fifties Virginia, Lie Down will have Stewart play Peyton Loftis. As part of a dysfunctional and disintegrating family, Peyton is constantly compared to her crippled sister, Maudie, and her intense physical beauty makes her the object of her frigid mother’s jealous hatred and the target of her father’s incestuous, alcoholic lust.

No. No no no no no no no. Don’t do this to me, please. Don’t do this to the legacy of William Styron, one of the last century’s least prolific and sadly underappreciated novelists. Don’t do this to one of my favorite books! Let Stewart go off with her new boyfriend and make another Snow White movie, and let her have fun in a probably awful adaptation of an overrated Jack Keroauc novel. Leave Styron alone!

OH THE INDIGNITIES THAT I MUST FACE IN MY LIFE! It’s Friday and everything is terrible.