With all the ridiculous concepts that have been thrown onto the insanity pile during the tenure of True Blood—the least sensical show outside Saturday morning cartoons and whatever crazy shit is on Adult Swim—it had honestly never crossed my mind to stop and wonder what would happen if vampires drank vampire blood. Like, we know that vampires like to drink human blood because it’s part of a delicious diet, and we know that humans and werewolves like drinking vampire blood because it gets them super high and heals all their wounds, and we know that vampires especially love fairy blood because it allows them to walk in the sun for a short period of time.
Yet for some reason, those crazy combinations of symbiotic blood-swapping have never lead to a cannibalistic ritual of vampires drinking a magical bottle of biblical vampire blood. Until now.
With Roman out of the way at the hands of the much more entertaining former King of Mississippi, Russell Edgington, the Authority is in desperate need of new leadership. It turns out that Salome was a double agent for the Sanguinistas this whole time, and is totally down with the whole Lilith Fair. Russell, whom Salome saved from an eternity stuck in cement, claims to be converted by his "new maker." Nora, Eric’s sister-in-maker (they both were created by Abercrombie & Fitch ghost-boy Godric), is obviously a fan of Lilith’s as well.
The rest of the chancellors, along with Eric and Bill Compton, are given a choice: they can either drink this carafe of blood that the Vampire Bible claims came straight from the vein of God’s original vamp, Lil, or they can follow in the footsteps of that Christoph Waltz-wannabe chancellor and leave the earth in a billion, messy pieces.
Unsurprisingly, Bill and Eric choose the vampire blood. Eric has a "What’s the worst that can happen?" moment, which immediately jump cuts to the whole pack of vampires tripping balls during Mardi Gras. They are high as hell, and out for human blood! For some reason Russell chose to disguise himself in a Bob Fosse costume, which turns Vampire Reverend Steve on. We hope it can work out for those two!
Back in Bon Temps, Sookie learns she might be running out of fairy juice, since she’s only "half-fay." (That conveniently explains why her telepathy has been shoddy lately.) Once she runs out of fay-power, she’ll be normal. (Well, that’s a relative term.) She spends the rest of the episode shooting light-balls into the sky in an effort to drain the last of her fairy batteries.
But not everyone wants to be normal: there’s the hate-group of anti-"supes" that go around in Barack Obama masks shooting every non-human, apparently because they are jealous that they weren’t born as were-cougars or witches or maenads. (We’d suggest they just give it a season: Alan Ball will think of something for them soon enough.) After saving Sheriff Andy from being shot by one of these guys, Sam Merlotte literally rolls around on the ground in the storage room, trying to pick up the scent of the rest of the vigilantes. Being a shape-shifter always had a weird effect on Sam. Like, you never see Alcide the werewolf sniffing the floor like a dog, even though he also has the ability of super-smell. And since he can change into literally anything, does that mean Sam has the abilities of every animal in existence while he’s a human? If so, it’s weird he always goes with the "dog in heat" routine. We can only assume that Sam just likes to roll around on the ground, smelling things.
As it turns out, the actual hate group is more like a support group that happens to kill supernatural beings because they are jealous. They’ve accepted Hoyt Fortenberry into their fold, and the newly reformed Hoyt says, "I’ve felt more love in this hate group than I have at church or basketball or anywhere!" To which one of his new buddies replies, "That’s what people don’t understand about hate groups. Though if we called it a love group, nobody would join."
Then they go off and try to kill Sam’s girlfriend again.
Alcide is suddenly in love with his second-in-command, with whom he plans to lead the werewolf rebellion. At first, Marcus’s mom is like, "This is wrong!" But when she sees the packmaster try to feed her granddaughter vampire’s blood, she changes her mind. Nothing to see here, folks.
Lafayette travels down to Mexico to find Jesus’ magii uncle, whom immediately overpowers him and sews up his mouth, which is really gross. He also is the one who stole Jesus’ head and sewed up his mouth, which seems like overkill because the guy is already dead. There is a weird Rosemary’s Baby thing living in his uncle’s girlfriend/child bride/whatever, and right when this crazy guy is about to kill Lafayette and transfer that weird demon into his unborn son, he is stabbed to death by his lady friend, who apparently does not want a demon in her belly. Then she slits all the stitches open in Lafayette’s mouth, which, again: gross.
Terry and Patrick sit in a field, waiting to get killed by the Iraqi smoke monster. It comes and laughs at them. Terry puts a gun in his mouth and almost pulls the trigger, but then doesn’t. Back home, Arlene and Holly watch Arlene’s wedding video. And that’s all for that camp, for the time being.
Tara’s mom finds her pole dancing at Fangtasia, but she’s not so much pissed that her daughter is stripping as she is that she became a vampire. As Tara points out, she didn’t really have much of a choice, but Ms. Thornton will hear none of it. She’s cutting Tara out of her life, effective immediately, which actually shouldn’t be much of a change, and is probably all for the best, because Tara’s mom is a crazy bitch. But Tara is sad anyway, and goes to cry in Pam’s office. Pam shows some maternal instinct for about half a second, and Tara uses her vampire-speed to give her a giant vampire-hug. "It’s really lame how they move like that when there’s no reason to," my friend pointed out. Yeah, it is lame: especially, since most of the time vampires just casually walk places, or drive cars. If all vampires have super-speed, and some—like Eric—can actually fly, you’d think they’d be doing it all the time, instead of just lounging about or standing completely still, which is how Eric and Bill usually spend their nights.
Except not anymore! They are high on Lilith-blood, and interrupt the performance of some high school student’s karaoke event (taking place in a bar during Mardi Gras) to eat all the parents in the audience. And also the girl, who should have known better than to take her one-woman show on the road instead of just leaving it after the senior class annual variety hour.
During their blood orgy, a pool of blood coagulates and a naked woman rises up, Carrie-style, from the congealed clots. It’s Lilith! She’s totally naked, and has a nice bikini wax. Everyone is like, "Cool!" especially Nora, who is just super-psyched to find out that her belief in a blood-soaked lady version of an evil Jesus Christ finally paid off. Suddenly, ghost-Godric appears to Eric and is like "You should probably go save your sister, because you know this is some bullshit."
Is it some bullshit? We find out next week, as the world turns.
Oh, also Jessica was totally eating some other guy and Jason got mad and shot her in the head, like an asshole. I mean, she’s fine, because she’s a vampire, but it was still a dick move.