Kim Verses Kate: A Very Royal Breakdown

While the recent royal wedding of William and Kate caused plenty of migraines for the British commoners, we Yankees are now feeling wedding agita of our own, as a pair of American royals prepare to tie the knot. In case you haven’t been keeping up with the Kardashians, Kim, our beloved American princess, is wedding NBA star Kris Humphries. Nuptials are slated for August 20, and Ms. K has been thriving amidst all the tittle-tattle about her big day. Just today, we learned of Kim’s wedding workout secrets. (She’s so bad at keeping secrets.) It’s all a bit Middleton-eque, so we’ve gathered a list of royal wedding comparisons worthy of irking monarchs on both sides of the pond.

DRESS: Much like the Duchess of Cambridge, speculation abounds about Kim’s dress. Did Vera Wang really design it? Did Kim only wear that eye-burning zebra print jumpsuit while walking with Wang to elicit some rumors? If the dress ends up looking anything like Kate Middleton’s, we’re willing to not be so galled by these theories. After all, Brittny Gastineau told People that Kim is going to look like a “princess,” and you know she speaks from experience.

GUEST LIST: Will the Beckhams watch Kim wed? Did Sir Elton John get an invite, and what about Sir Henry Cheape of the Strathtyrum Estate in St Andrews? We’re expecting the Kim guest list to be teeming with a slew of American rejects royalty. Rumors originally pointed to around 1,000 invites, but that number has gradually dwindled. Those confirmed include Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, Jay-Z and Beyonce, to name a few A-listers. Beyond that, we’re assuming some reality star write-offs will topple the list.

FILMING: Khloe Kardashian confirmed that her sister’s wedding will be “royal wedding number two!” But Kim keeps us waiting on the most important aspect of a royal wedding; the televised broadcast. The all-knowing Ryan Seacrest says fans will be able to watch the nuptials, either via television or internet. Whew, we we’re worried about that one.

RING: Mouths dropped at the fact that Kate’s engagement ring was Princess Diana’s: a vintage sapphire encircled by 14 diamonds, originally costing 30,000 euros. Sorry Kate, that’s just not glitzy enough. Kim’s rock is a 20.5-carat diamond from Lorrain Schwartz, and cost $2 million. How American of her.

OTHER TRIVIAL DETAILS: The Daily Mail informs us that guests at the Kardashian/Humphries affair will be dining off silver spoons: $1,250 silver spoons. Baccarat Vega goblets and $38,400 worth of dinner place settings have also been purchased, in case your soul hasn’t shriveled up yet. For all the first-rate pickings cashed out for Kate Middleton’s day, at least $1.6 million was distributed to 26 organizations through the Royal Wedding Charity Fund. If the Kardashians really are trying to keep up with the Middletons, that’s one area we’d certainly encourage her to go big. You’re not going to let some perky English crumpet outdo you in benevolence, are you Kim? Do it for your country.

5 Spots Actually Worth Visiting for Restaurant Week

Oh, NYC Restaurant Week! You come and go every year, leaving us keenly aware of what handful of fancy restaurants are like on an off night. Insipid salmon on every plate and waiters upselling us on pricey plonk only make us hate you more. But we’ve decided to be amenable this year, scouring the BlackBook New York Guide for participating restaurants that have the chops to transcend the mediocrity.

We’ve plucked some of our Top Picks (and a few lucky others) who can’t help but deliver a divine dinner, even if they’re forced to sell it for far less than they’d like. Here are a few of our picks for the most seductive prixe fixes for Restaurant Week 2011.

5Ninth, a delightful townhouse with garden seating, continues its porcine tendencies with a packed-with-pork fixed-price dinner. For appetizing, we’d pick the Lyonnaise salad with anchovy dressing, poached egg, and loads of bacon bits. The main course of house-made papardelle with pork ragu makes us ready to pig out.

10Downing never ceases to offer creative chow, even during Restaurant Week. The heirloom tomato and watermelon salad with mint, almonds, and radish sounds, well, mouth-watering. The curry & coconut pot pie as our main speaks for itself: a puff pastry filled with roasted chicken or veggies, if you must. Maybe not the heartiest of meals, but there’s poached rhubarb and strawberry consomme for thirds.

Bless the person who recommended sacrificing Kittichai’s baby back ribs for Restaurant Week hoppers. Soaked in Mekhong whiskey barbeque sauce, you’re a weirdo if you don’t love it. Skip the salmon and savor the pan-seared branzino and bay scallops, conveniently surrounded by a toothsome coconut turmeric broth.

One If By Land Two if By Sea is the perfect spot for a romantic rendezvous–what with all those flowers, an in-house pianist, and candle chandeliers. Therefore, an uninspired prix fixe would never do, not even this week. We’d request the marinated octopus with sugar snap peas and shiitake mushroom vinaigrette for the first round. For seconds, we’re thinking the sautéed Atlantic rock shrimp with spaghetti, hazelnut pesto, and Thai basil will suffice.

Restaurant Week gets sexy with Yerba Buena Perry on the list. The ceviche Chifa for first course pickings, composed of flounder, scallions, ginger, carrots, cilantro peanuts–the list goes on–makes us wonder if this was a menu glitch. The sea bass chorrillana with yucca puree, tamarind-aji panca glaza, and “pickled slaw,” seems worth the $35 price tag and then some.

Sephora Cosmetics Delivery Handles Beauty Emergencies

No, that wasn’t a Beth Israel-bound ambulance that almost ran you over you while crossing Irving Place. It was a Sephora Mini Cooper responding to an emergency. The beauty monolith now offers Same Day Beauty Delivery Service of their cosmetic products to NYC residents. You might greet this development with skepticism: New Yorkers are busy, but there are fifteen Sephora locations in Manhattan alone, including two within spitting distance each other in Times Square. What beauty emergency could actually require rapid-response door-to-door service? Actually, the list of potential calamities is endless:

● Foundation splatters on bathroom floor. Can’t leave apartment to get more. ● Drugstore mascara overhaul results in tarantula eyes. Time to splurge on DiorShow. ● Hair would look better today if it had feathers in it. Need Sultra Feather Hair Accents, stat. ● Tube tan gone streaky – don’t they make remover for that? ● Manicure appointment canceled. Nothing less than Sophie Robson Nail Art in Animal Print will do. ● Four year old eats NARS Lipstick. But Barbarella is the only color that goes with this jumpsuit. Just call 1-877-SEPHORA before 11am, and your goods will be dispatched same day. We’re tempted to test this out, if only to see if they take beauty-on-the-fly as seriously as we do. Perhaps we’ll order a pizza from the neighborhood joint and some makeup from Same Day Sephora Delivery and see who reaches the door first. A hot slice is lovely, but if that lip plumper doesn’t get here soon, we might not survive the day. Gentlemen, start your engines.

Let the SATC Prequel Casting Rumors Begin

Just when you thought the Sex and the City franchise had swilled its last round of cosmos, SATC author Candace Bushnell revealed an interest in having Selena Gomez play a younger version of Charlotte York in a big-screen prequel to her novels, entitled The Carrie Diaries and Summer in the City. Which seems fitting, given the starlet has barely graduated from Disney teenbop cuteness and Charlotte is delightfully naïve, even in her thirties.

Bushnell told The Daily Caller, “I’m going to get into trouble for this, but I was looking at some pictures of Selena Gomez today and thinking she’d make a really good young Charlotte. She’s so pretty. I was like…gosh, wouldn’t she be great? Am I right or wrong? I’m not good at this. If I say something like that, then the next thing I know, people are like, ‘no!”

There are also rumors that Blake Lively could play a youthful and inexperienced Carrie Bradshaw. We admit it: Selena Gomez is adorable and Blake Lively is…blonde, but didn’t the last SATC adjunct flop? It may be an uphill battle after the negative reviews SATC 2 received (save for these three starry-eyed critics), but this addition has the potential to actually being interesting, considering the ladies would be early-twenties sexpots not yet jaded by the whole struggling-in-New York thing.

After all, the four archetypes — the prep, the prude, the man eater, the narcissist writer — of the SATC crew are timeless. We’d like to see some other heat-seekers fill those roles. We’re thinking Jennifer Lawrence as Carrie, Mia Wasikowska as Miranda, Emma Stone as Samantha, and, um, Ashley Greene as Charlotte. Please share your own casting choices in the comments.

Jennifer Aniston Reportedly ‘Extremely Happy,’ Tabloids Vexed

Jennifer Aniston is feeling good right now. In fact, according to a Good Morning America interview this morning, the beloved and oft-pitied megastar is doing just great, thank you very much. And that’s big news, because it’s been nearly six years since her life practically ended she divorced a certain handsome actor — and we still can’t stop wondering if it’s possible for her to actually be not miserable. 

People weighs in on the important development:

Jennifer Aniston offered a small smile and replied: “Yes, I’m very happy. I’m extremely lucky, and I’m extremely happy.” That’s all she would say on the matter, but it seems like a solid endorsement of her new romance with screenwriter-actor Justin Theroux. 

Granted, she’s not toting around a daycare center’s worth of children, basking in Louis Vuitton on a Cambodian skiff, or, er, saving the world, but isn’t it time we finally cut the cord on equating every comment she’s ever made with that one time she had a relationship that didn’t work out?

Most of us aren’t lucky enough to star in the most popular sitcom ever, or have the most lionized (and leonine!) hair in the United States, but life is full of mediocrity and shitty breakups. Naturally, that makes her exactly like us, give or take $110 million. So if Jen is actually happy, does that mean we’ll be okay, too? We’ll be at Central Perk, awaiting the answer.