While the recent royal wedding of William and Kate caused plenty of migraines for the British commoners, we Yankees are now feeling wedding agita of our own, as a pair of American royals prepare to tie the knot. In case you haven’t been keeping up with the Kardashians, Kim, our beloved American princess, is wedding NBA star Kris Humphries. Nuptials are slated for August 20, and Ms. K has been thriving amidst all the tittle-tattle about her big day. Just today, we learned of Kim’s wedding workout secrets. (She’s so bad at keeping secrets.) It’s all a bit Middleton-eque, so we’ve gathered a list of royal wedding comparisons worthy of irking monarchs on both sides of the pond.
DRESS: Much like the Duchess of Cambridge, speculation abounds about Kim’s dress. Did Vera Wang really design it? Did Kim only wear that eye-burning zebra print jumpsuit while walking with Wang to elicit some rumors? If the dress ends up looking anything like Kate Middleton’s, we’re willing to not be so galled by these theories. After all, Brittny Gastineau told People that Kim is going to look like a “princess,” and you know she speaks from experience.
GUEST LIST: Will the Beckhams watch Kim wed? Did Sir Elton John get an invite, and what about Sir Henry Cheape of the Strathtyrum Estate in St Andrews? We’re expecting the Kim guest list to be teeming with a slew of American
rejects royalty. Rumors originally pointed to around 1,000 invites, but that number has gradually dwindled. Those confirmed include Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, Jay-Z and Beyonce, to name a few A-listers. Beyond that, we’re assuming some reality star write-offs will topple the list.
FILMING: Khloe Kardashian confirmed that her sister’s wedding will be “royal wedding number two!” But Kim keeps us waiting on the most important aspect of a royal wedding; the televised broadcast. The all-knowing Ryan Seacrest says fans will be able to watch the nuptials, either via television or internet. Whew, we we’re worried about that one.
RING: Mouths dropped at the fact that Kate’s engagement ring was Princess Diana’s: a vintage sapphire encircled by 14 diamonds, originally costing 30,000 euros. Sorry Kate, that’s just not glitzy enough. Kim’s rock is a 20.5-carat diamond from Lorrain Schwartz, and cost $2 million. How American of her.
OTHER TRIVIAL DETAILS: The Daily Mail informs us that guests at the Kardashian/Humphries affair will be dining off silver spoons: $1,250 silver spoons. Baccarat Vega goblets and $38,400 worth of dinner place settings have also been purchased, in case your soul hasn’t shriveled up yet. For all the first-rate pickings cashed out for Kate Middleton’s day, at least $1.6 million was distributed to 26 organizations through the Royal Wedding Charity Fund. If the Kardashians really are trying to keep up with the Middletons, that’s one area we’d certainly encourage her to go big. You’re not going to let some perky English crumpet outdo you in benevolence, are you Kim? Do it for your country.