Your Daily Guide to Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Facebook IPO
If Facebook had a dollar for every time someone did a Google search about its stock… Oh, wait, it’s about to. Everyone’s searching for info on Facebook stock because at 11 a.m., when the Nasdaq Stock Market opens, the company’s stock will be available to the public — not really, but the Master of the Universe who will later make a fortune selling it to the actual public — and the company will establish its worth at what’s expected to be about $104 billion. Watch out, folks, a lot of pasty computer types in the Bay Area are about to get exponentially more attractive.

Eduardo Saverin
Because today is going to be all Facebook all the time — sorry, Donna Summer! — people using Google are curious about Brazilian-born Facebook founder Saverin (Andrew Garfield from the movie, kids), who’s doing his best to explain away the recent news that he’s expatriating to Singapore. The web entrepreneur, who supposedly owns about $2 billion worth of the social network, now says he’s not attempting to avoid paying taxes on what’s going to be an enormous windfall today. "My decision to expatriate was based solely on my interest in working and living in Singapore, where I have been since 2009,” he said to Forbes. “I am obligated to and will pay hundreds of millions of dollars in taxes to the United States government. I have paid and will continue to pay any taxes due on everything I earned while a U.S. citizen."

Elin Nordegren
Who cares about Mark Zuckerberg and pals when Tiger Woods’ ex-wife has told her friends she’s looking for a stable relationship. This is the shit that makes the world go round, Yahoo! readers! Anyway, the Norweigan beauty has apparently sent banking scion boy-toy Jamie Dingman packing and is looking for someone who can be a proper step-dad to her two kids. Meanwhile, her ex was just named the most powerful athlete in the world, which can’t make her feel any better on those long, lonely nights curled up in a mansion with her massive fortune.

Tebow Cease and Desist
The intrepid Yahoo! users who are searching out news on virginal Tim Tebow’s cease-and-desist lawsuit must be wondering why the Jesus-loving football star can’t turn the other cheek. You see, a company called Cubby Tees is making knock-off New York Jets shirts that turn the Jets logo into something that says “My Jesus,” not too different from those Coca-Cola rip-offs that say “Cocaine” and things of that nature. But because Tebow is the Jet most closely associated with the guy upstairs, he’s pissed! In a letter, his lawyers wrote, “"The Merchandise makes it appear as if Mr. Tebow actually endorses Cubby Tees and its products.”

#IReallyWantTo
Oh, Twitter. Even when there’s news happening and the world is changing, sometimes you just like to sit there and play with your bellybutton lint, don’t you? Today on the site, the phrase “I Really Want To” is trending, so people are posting their hearts’ desires. It’s awful.

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Your Daily Guide to Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending, Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Robert F. Kennedy

RFK Jr. is trending today because yesterday his estranged wife, Mary Kennedy, died, reportedly from having hanged herself at their Westchester, New York estate. It’s just the latest tragedy for the seemingly cursed American political dynasty, which has seen more than its fair share of members die in tragic and untimely ways. The Kennedys were married in 1994, but last year Bobby filed for divorce amid rumors of Mary’s substance abuse issues and of his own philandering. “We deeply regret the death of our beloved sister Mary, whose radiant and creative spirit will be sorely missed by those who loved her,” the family said in a statement.

Nick Stahl

In other curse news, people are searching up a storm (both online and in person) for actor Nick Stahl of Terminator 3 is the latest cast member of that franchise to run into trouble. The 32-year-old’s wife has reported him missing, saying the last time he was seen was May 9 and adding that Stahl had been frequenting a down-and-out part of Los Angeles, perhaps a hint at drug use. Stahl took over in the Terminator franchise for Edward Furlong, who left the series to find his own problems, including stints in rehab and accusations of rather serious violence against his wife. Troubled actors including Christian Bale and Thomas Dekker have also been part of the series of films.

Tyra Banks

Over at Yahoo!, things are a little more lighthearted; the site’s number-one search term is “Tyra Banks Too Fat.” But the readers there aren’t hating, they’re searching for an essay the America’s Next Top Model host wrote  for The Daily Beast supporting the new Vogue rule banning underage and malnourished models. In the piece, Banks discusses her own battles with weight and how difficult it made her teenage life. Then she explains what exactly it is about her modeling competition show that is healthy for young viewers. No, of course she doesn’t do that part. 

iPad Mini

People are nuts about Apple products—spending money on them instead of more valuable Apple stock—but this is crazy. The internet is wild with iAddicts searching for a report that says that Apple might be planning to release a 7-inch version of its tablet, which would retail for about $250, to compete with the Kindle. There already is an iPad Mini, guys, it’s called an iPhone. Whatever, see you all in line.

John Travolta

Bing users are still a bit hung up on movie star and pubic hair hippie John Travolta and the mounting lawsuits against him for making homosexy advanced toward masseurs and other guys. Too bad searching for Travolta news on Bing doesn’t bring you this hot nugget: According to the wife of late Grease star Jeff Conway, Travolta once tried to wake the now-deceased actor with oral sex, leading to a rift in their friendship and what might have been a lasting distaste on Conway’s part for morning action.

Lil Kim

Twitter is bonkers for the Queen Bee this morning, due to her appearance on a New York radio show and also the news that she has taken in her estranged father, who’s reportedly suffering from Alzheimer’s but could also be a spy sent by Nicki Minaj and Foxy Brown to attack from inside her home. The story is developing.

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Your Daily Guide to Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Jerry Brown
Readers at Google today can’t get enough of California Governor Jerry Brown, who Monday released a harshly revised state budget that proposed to raise taxes on the already impoverished state. And if voters didn’t like that, Brown said he could just slash budgets for schools instead. "I’m counting on the voters to say yes [to increasing the California budget by $5 billion] because I know voters don’t want to cut schools," Brown said menacingly. "I know they don’t want to cut law enforcement." Now’s as good a time as any, we suppose, to listen to the Dead Kennedys’ song about when Brown was previously governor

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America’s Got Talent
People are still frantically Googling TV shows. Specifically America’s Got Talent, which premiered Monday night on NBC and was watched closely for any wrong moves on the part of new talent judge Howard Stern. But even though Stern, who’s known for his sharp tongue and enjoying talent like a woman who can smoke cigarettes with her vagina, managed to charm plenty of the show’s viewers, he couldn’t help but strike out at least once. When one contestant spoke of his recently deceased parents, Stern quipped, "Did they die of embarrassment?"

Mitchell Guist
Swamp People star Mitchell Guist has died of an as-yet-unexplained cause at the age of 48, and people on Yahoo! and Bing alike love reading about it. The Louisiana resident, who appeared in a History Channel show about alligator hunters on Louisiana’s Atchafalaya swamp, collapsed aboard his boat and was dead by the time he reached the hospital. So far, no alligators have been charged with wrongdoing.

Rebekah Brooks
On Twitter, former Rupert Murdoch henchwoman Rebekah Brooks is trending thanks to the news that she and her husband Charlie are both being charged with conspiracy to pervert the course of justice, which isn’t as sexy as it sounds. The charges stem from the Brookses alleged attempts to conceal material from police in regard to the great News of the World phone hacking scandal. The disgraced newspaper titaness, whose red hair is obviously a calling card of evil, released a statement saying, "We deplore this weak and unjust decision."

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Linkage: Survivor Ends, Freddie Comes Back & TV on the Internet

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Survivor One World

The most Googled phrase around this morning is, unfortunately, “Survivor: One World.” That’s the name of the latest season of is-that-really-still-on reality show Survivor, which aired its season finale last night. The winner of this season was Kim Spradlin, a 29-year-old Texan who took home over a million bucks for figuring out not only how to survive in the wilderness, but how to keep her competitors down. We’re just steps away from living in the Hunger Games, aren’t we?

Desperate Housewives

Monday morning trends really highlight how much Sunday night TV people watch, don’t they? Why, you might ask, is that show about evil, sexy mummies trending? Well, because last night was its series finale. And while there might be more lawsuits and we wouldn’t be surprised at a third coming of Terri Hatcher, here’s hoping that the monster fro Wisteria Lane stays dead and buried, like apparently some characters ended up last night.

Freddie Mercury

Yahoo! users seem to be more interested in music than their compatriots at Google. Long-dead Queen frontman Freddie Mercury is the number-one trending subject on that site, largely because his surviving bandmates have announced that they’ll be touring with an, er, optical illusion—and definitely not a Tupac-like hologram—of Mercury at a performance tonight in London. Still-living Queen member Brian May told the BBC, "It’s a little unfortunate they did that thing with Tupac as we’ve been trying to make Freddie appear on the stage for quite a while. [That technique] is something we’ve looked at ourselves but I think probably for a show that runs eight shows a week it’s not really quite practical."

Howard Stern

Stern is another projection people are curious about. The self-proclaimed “king of all media” DJ will be taking his face for radio to national TV tonight as he joins the panel of judges on a show called America’s Got Talent that, to our understanding, mostly proves the opposite. “I’m not crazy. I know there’s a huge population out there that thinks I’m going to come on and ruin the show,” Stern told the Times, before implying that his paycheck for bumpkin-bamboozling will be much to large for anything like that to happen.

#GMAAdam

Thanks to an appearance on Good Morning America, singer and hair product enthusiast Adam Lambert is trending on Twitter, getting his fans—Fanberts?—all hot and bothered. Also trending are the singers name and plain old GMA, hammering home that point that while for some people Twitter is a place to unleash 140-character bon mots and to digitally tickle their smartypants friends, for most it’s a chance to tune into a morning show and swoon over a gay singer.

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Your Daily Guide to Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Chris Birdman Andersen
Google Trends is a dark place to start your morning. After you move past our obsession with the tit heard round the world (also known as the cover of Time magazine), you land here: The kiddie porn charges swirling around Denver Nuggets center and all-around scary looking dude Chris “Birdman” Andersen. Internet Crimes Against Children investigators seized property from the athlete’s home and cops released a statement saying, “This is an ongoing investigation and there’s lots and lots of work to do until it ever gets to that point.” Andersen has since been indefinitely excused from his Nuggets duties, where at least people could keep an eye on the balls he was handling.

Flesh-Eating Bacteria
If crimes against children doesn’t get you down, try this one: the battle of a 24-year-old Georgia graduate student against necrotizing fasciiti, a flesh-eating disease. The woman contracted it after an accident on zip line and last week had to have her right leg amputated—doctors say her hands and remaining leg might be next to go. Odds are in the next few hours, someone’s going to blame this one on gay marriage.

70-Year-Old Virgin
Yahoo! readers can’t get enough of Pam “The Sexational Pam” Shaw, a 70-year-old bombshell who has decided that it’s time to lose her virginity. Yahoo! users, many over the hill themselves, love that Shaw has been performing for years as a burlesque dancer under a titillating stage name and has even shared a dressing room with the Sex Bomb himself Tom Jones, she’s somehow managed kept her virtue intact. Now, she tells the Sun, she’s looking for a handsome millionaire who’s into really old virgins. Good luck with that, Pam!

John Edwards
Yahoo!’s loins are on fire today when it comes to the elderly. Readers can’t stop searching for news about one-time presidential hopeful and haircut enthusiast John Edwards, whose campaign finance violating trail is still dragging itself out. But who cares about pilfered funds when there’s news about Edwards’ crazy, blonde jump-off Rielle Hunter! It seems that Edwards’ baby mama, who allegedly collected all kinds of cash from his campaign to keep her mouth shut and her pants off, won’t be testifying in his trial, which is set to wrap up today.

John Travolta
It’s a bad day for Johns. Get it? Following one of the top trending items on Bing we find out that John Travolta’s woes—which we’ve told you about before—continue to pile up as the reportedly packing (if not manscaped) actor is facing another charge of sexual harassment, this time from a former cruise line employee who claims Travolta offered him 12K for sex. Meanwhile, the actor’s lawyers are doing their best to disprove the charges, of which there are now three, but seem to be making little headway in the court of public opinion.

Bristol Palin
The good people of Twitter are frantically hashtagging posts with #bristolpalin, a nod to the reality star and single mom who came out swinging against President Obama’s support of gay marriage. Considering the stunning wisdom we’re used to receiving from Bristol and the Palin family at large, her uninformed and thoughtless comments on this topic have left millions of fans disillusioned and disappointed.

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Your Daily Guide to Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Over at Google, the fifth trendingest thing of the day is “Lugar,” and it’s not about spitting phlegm balls. No, the story is about longtime Indiana Republican Senator Dick Lugar (heh), who was unseated after six terms Tuesday night by Tea Party-endorsed upstart Richard Mourdock. After losing his seat, 80-year-old Lugar released an epic rant about the state of partisanship and promptly tuned into Matlock.

Also on Google, after a strong and trendy showing yesterday, is John Travolta. The actor has now been accused by a second man of being a handsy gay; the second man said in his lawsuit that he has “substantial documentation and numerous witnesses regarding the substance of Travolta’s actions.” The lawsuit also alleges that Travolta has an eight-inch penis and unruly pubic hair, which is way more than we ever wanted to know.

Travolta’s also trending over at Yahoo!, but there’s serious news to be had as well: the passage of North Carolina’s Amendment 1, which added an amendment to the state’s constitution that defines marriage as being between one man and one woman, is a hot topic over on that site. Lest you think Yahoo! overly newsy, other trending topics include Brooke Shields (why was she walking with a cane?!), Christina Aguilera (the finale of The Voice was last night) and superstar Columbian prostitute Dania Suarez.

Even more inane is what’s getting #hashtags over at Twitter, including the very important #QuestionsIHateBeingAsked. Check out the highlights below.

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