Links: Al Gore Masseuse Only Wants $1 Million, Tori Spelling Knows Farrah Fawcett’s Ghost

● The woman who called Al Gore a “crazed sex poodle” is so scared and hurt that the only thing that will make her feel better is $1 million to tell her story. The horror! [Page Six] ● Speaking of pay-offs, Tiger Woods and his wife Elin have reportedly reached a divorce settlement worth $750 million, or a hell of a lot of massages. [Hollywood Life] ● A young Chinese girl sought plastic surgery to transform herself into Jessica Alba in order to win her boyfriend back. Alba convinced her not to do it, but probably took the boyfriend anyway. [Starpulse]

● Tori Spelling claims Farrah Fawcett contacted her from beyond the grave. For more details, buy her book! [HuffPo] ● After crowd riots ruined a free Drake concert in downtown New York City, a similar Ke$ha show has also been canceled. Allegedly Jack Daniels makes 14-year-olds really rowdy. [WSJ] ● Alex Trebek tries auto-tune, gets his T-Pain on two years too late. [Vulture]

Links: Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr Engaged, Lindsay Lohan’s Porn Star Not the ‘Vulgar’ Type

● Orlando Bloom is just pretty enough to propose marriage to the stunning Miranda Kerr. The couple will alternate days in the bathroom. [People] ● Helen Mirren appears topless in the new issue of New York magazine, courtesy of photographer Juergen Teller, making most cougars look like house cats. [HuffPo] ● Carrot Top was hospitalized for career paralysis. [Perez Hilton]

● Lindsay Lohan says her role as porn star Linda Lovelace will not be “vulgar” or too sexual; Lindsay Lohan’s agent, manager, director, and producers say, “not so fast.” [Starpulse] ● At a party in Las Vegas, everyone cheered Michael Phelps, urging him to jump into the pool. That’s like if Paris Hilton’s party trick was a sex act. Think about it. [Page Six] ● Tori Spelling claims Tiffani Thiessen hates her, while the kids of today question the presence of Miley’s babysitters. [HuffPo]

Links: Jon Gosselin Single & Ready to Mingle, Justin Timberlake Golfs Green

● Jon Gosselin has dashed both Hailey Glassman and Kate Major’s dreams by declaring that he’s single. [People] ● Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may be globetrotting actors and humanitarians, but they have McDonald’s cravings just like the rest of us. [JustJared] ● Candy vs. Tori Round 267: Candy Spelling has scolded her daughter for trying to work out their familial problems through the media. Note that Candy sent this message via TMZ. [TMZ]

● Justin Timberlake is making golf green, or at least greener; the singer spent $16 million to make a golf course in his home state of Tennessee eco-friendly.[AP] ● Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis will team up with director Darren Aronofsky for Black Swan, a supernatural film about dueling ballerinas. [ComingSoon] ● Orlando Bloom is ditching the fourth installment of Pirates of the Caribbean to spend more quality time with his supermodel lady-love Miranda Kerr. [DailyMail]

Is Tori Spelling the Next Coming of Maurice Sendak?

Tori Spelling, for all her time on this sinking planet, has done very little good. So before we tie her to rafters and gather to heckle her with beets for her ruinous contributions to the already-crumbling world of children’s literature, let’s fondly recall the good times. As few as they were. Like when she guested on Smallville as a non-journalist with a vicious mean streak. Or when she gave us a woefully short-lived, camptastic comedy in the vein of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Oh yes, the book. Straight from the horse’s mouth: “I just wrote an illustrated children’s book. It’s going to be launching in about a year, but I just finished the text.” There’s really no telling how coherent Tori Spelling’s text will be. But there is a precedent for narcissistic celebrities of a certain hair color clawing out extended relevance by authoring stupid children books! Madonna had The English Roses. Geri Halliwell, meanwhile, cobbled together pig slop and called it Ugenia Lavender. But not content with tearing down one art form, Halliwell subjected us to further terror by singing the book’s accompanying theme tune. But perhaps in the glittering, punch-drunk world of Celebrita, where fame is always in higher demand than Klonopin, children’s books are perhaps how high-profile moms tell their kids, “I love you.” Because a hug is just too damn much to ask for.

In Spelling’s case, children’s books are a great way to demonstrate mother-child bonding. She says, “Liam’s favorite is Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown. I introduced him to that because when I was little, my mom used to read that to me and I loved it!” And now you two are barely speaking. But details, shmetails.

Links: Brad Pitt Blazed into ‘Basterds’ Role, Hayden Panettiere’s Bad Tattoo

● Brad Pitt reveals he didn’t sign up for Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds as much as he got a little drunk and smoked a little something with the director, and wound up shooting weeks later. [Youtube] ● Kate Hudson was seen making out with Alex Rodriguez in the back of a Manhattan restaurant. What is this, junior high? [Foxnews] ● Tori Spelling lets you know what’s in her purse and explains how her BlackBerry is a useful toy for kids. [Myspace]

● Hayden Panettiere showed off her tattoo in Cannes the other day, which reads “vivere senza rimipianti,” revealing to all that it’s misspelled. It’s supposed to mean “live without regrets”; however, the extra “i” in “rimpianti” makes it meaningless. [Celebridoodle] ● Cameron Diaz is a celebrity environmentalist who’s true to her word; she rarely flushes the toilet to save water and lives by the motto, ‘‘If it’s yellow leave it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.’’ [Popcrunch] ● What do Keira Knightley, Peaches Geldof, Ricky Gervais, and Brad Pitt have in common? They “hate” their fame. [MSN]

Sara Barron Sounds Off on Unappealing Mothers

imageNot too long ago, Sara Barron e-mailed me and proclaimed, “I am the twat waffle victim.” I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hover over the “spam” button for a few moments, thinking it some stray profession of love from a stalker (ugh, aren’t they always?). But then I chanced upon People Are Unappealing, a slim volume of nonfiction by Barron, about ugly mean people. Suddenly, her outburst made a world of sense. In many ways, People is very much the portrait of New York City, and it paints Barron to be a pleasant people person who has withstood many an unpleasant encounter.

In lieu of an exegesis about how Madonna reminds me of that giant worm from Star Wars, I asked Barron to parlay her invaluable insight into the state of modern culture’s most unappealing mothers, in order to most properly celebrate Mother’s Day this Sunday.

About her own, she says, “My mother is a wonderful woman in many respects — she refers to men who wrong me as ‘Twat Packages’ and, more to the point, pays for my health insurance plan. But who wants to get sentimental? The point here is that my mom, like most, has flaws. She has rushed me to the emergency room after I gave myself carpal tunnel syndrome from having masturbated too aggressively.” But Barron adds, “My mother [is] not alone in her transgressions.”

Sarah Palin – “She’s earned her spot as the nation’s foremost G.I.L.F. Of course, this presumes you actually want to fuck someone who tows the line of ‘Do as I say, not as my daughter does,’ in the first place. The double standard inherent in that sort of approach follows a person everywhere, and that means to the bedroom. And that means a certain someone is way worse at giving than she is at receiving. And that means I don’t know why anyone would want to fuck her in the first place.”

Bristol Palin – Ditto.

Tori Spelling – “In Tori Spelling’s most recent attempt to horde the limelight, she’s starring alongside her husband Dean and their two small children in the Oxygen reality show Home Sweet Hollywood. In this particular manifestation of self-promotion, Tori filmed her children’s every move for public consumption. A brilliant lesson on how best to provide for your family while simultaneously ensuring that they grow to hate you.”

Olivia Newton-John – “Despite the squeaky-clean, abnormally normal image Olivia’s maintained since her star turn as Sandy in Grease, the woman’s parenting style is deranged enough to warrant this and also this.

Kate Gosselin – “This name isn’t familiar to many of you, and that’s because Kate Gosselin is not important. She scored a TLC reality show called John and Kate Plus 8 as, clearly, the mother of eight. A choice she brought upon herself, it’s resulted in a woman so blatantly angry, the general public’s response to her husband’s recently discovered infidelities has been a resounding chorus of, ‘Well, duh.’ Honestly, if you ever want to feel better about the way you, as a human, conduct yourself, you ought to watch her on this show.”

Links: Kanye’s West’s Waxy Lady, Tori Spelling vs. Mom

● Did Kanye West bring an android to the Metropolitan Opera’s 125th anniversary gala? Oh no, that’s just his new girlfriend, “model” Amber Rose. [JustJared] ● Jonah Hill is the latest student of the Judd Apatow school to be reinventing a Hollywood “favorite.” Hill is set to remake 21 Jump Street, a.k.a. the 80s show Johnny Depp wishes he’d never done. [WaMG] ● What happens when a cab overheats and someone yells “BOMB” at the America’s Next Top Model auditions in Manhattan? Pure chaos. Wonder if Tyra will do a special episode? [Youtube]

● The Spelling family feuding has bled into the book world. Publishing houses are racing to release Candy Spelling’s tell-all before her daughter Tori’s. [P6] ● We all know Hollywood’s out of ideas — see Jonah Hill story above — but some films are too perfect to revisit. Here are ten films that shouldn’t be remade. [IGN] ● Charlie Sheen bucks Hollywood’s crazy name trend by naming his twin boys Max and Bob. [AccessHollywood]

Links: Annie Leibovitz + Obamas, Amy Winehouse a Mess, Mickey Rourke Hearts PETA

Annie Leibovitz was spotted entering the Obamas’ hotel. Could this be for Michelle Obama’s much-rumored March Vogue cover? [Politico] ● Amy Winehouse is still in the Caribbean and still acting like a hot mess. Winehouse was seen crawling on the ground and stealing other guests’ drinks. [TheSun] ● Tori Spelling is officially coming back to 90210, and she’s bringing Juno scribe Diablo Cody with her. [IfMag]

Lady GaGa picked up some take-out in a day-glo leotard and black leggings. [ThisIsLondon] ● Hot on the heels of his doggie-thank-you-speech, Mickey Rourke and his puppy Jaws are the new face of PETA — urging owners to fix their dogs. [Eonline] ● Elle’s Gilles Bensimon’s wife Kelly will be the newest housewife featured on The Real Housewives of New York. [BravoTV]

Links: Anna Wintour Ringtone, Tori Spelling on ‘90210,’ Mischa Barton’s Headband

● Best thing ever: Get Anna Wintour and Andre Leon Talley’s fashion advice as your ringtone. [Cityfile] ● Recession be damned. Tomorrow, Louis Vuitton will offer a limited edition of their “Sprouse Collection” skateboard — price tag $8,250. Proceeds go to Free Arts NYC program. [LifeFiles] ● Hard to believe: Rumor has it Vivienne Westwood would like to write the SATC sequel. [British Vogue]

● Tori Spelling is thiiiiss close to guest-starring on the new 90210. Papa would be proud. [EW] ● Mischa Barton shares holiday photos of herself and her headband in Goa. She promises more photos and videos to come. [MischaBarton] ● Urban Outfitters is set to take over the Metro Movie Theater on Broadway and 99th Street in New York. Hipsters on the UES unite. [WWD]