What a Shame: Charlie Sheen Will Not Be Lindsay Lohan’s Mentor

Who’s the one person I would turn to if I had an incredibly disastrous drug problem and, on top of that, a lot of legal troubles and, oh, not much of a career to speak of? Charlie Sheen, obviously! Sheen, who has it all together, as we all know, offered to be a mentor to Lindsay Lohan, who I have to keep reminding myself is only 26 years old. "She can continue to hang out with her dress-shredding club buddies," Sheen told TMZ over the weekend, "or turn to me for some advice from a guy who’s been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey." In a brief moment of clarity, Lohan had her PR people issue a statement saying that she does not plan on being Sheen’s, uh, mentee. She does admit, however, that her "life is out of control." Progress, people!

[via TMZ]

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Eulogy For A Man Killed While Tailing Justin Bieber

Is this actually, objectively the saddest way to die? Running back across a busy Los Angeles street after snapping a photo of a teenage Canadian pop star next to a white Ferrari and being struck by another oncoming vehicle? This is the sort of thing that could really taint the afterlife for you.

I mean, what the fuck do you even say when you get to heaven? “Me, I was run over.” Holy shit, by a drunk driver or something? “No, it was my own fault.” Jeez, didn’t you look both ways before crossing? “Actually, I was in a rush to get back to my car because the California Highway Patrol kept shooing me away from a routine traffic stop that I was interfering with, and I figured I’d continue to stalk Justin Bieber and his entourage once they got back on the road.”

Well, congratulations, you’ve made the ultimate paparazzi sacrifice, and laid down your life in the relentless pursuit of TMZ fodder. Perhaps in your noble search you began to identify too much with the camera lens itself, forgetting that you, too, were a mortal thing of flesh and blood that could die as senselessly as the celebrities you followed everywhere. Goodnight, sweet voyeur.

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Lindsay Lohan Was Arrested Again

"I’m happy. I just did three movies in a row and I’m not even tired," Lindsay Lohan told Us Weekly recently. Obviously, she had to prove it by going and getting arrested in New York City last night. At this point, I’m impressed that she’s able to keep this up! The only other celebrity I can think of who can stick to a self-defined brand of Being Awful is Chris Brown

Naturally, TMZ is ON IT

Lindsay Lohan was ARRESTED at 4 AM Thursday in New York City for allegedly punching a woman at a New York City nightclub … law enforcement sources tell TMZ.

Our sources say Lohan was at Club Avenue when she got into some sort of argument with a female patron and it became physical.  We’re told cops came and arrested Lindsay for allegedly assaulting her.

Law enforcement tells us prior to the fight words were exchanged between Lindsay and the woman as they sat in separate booths near each other.  Lindsay said something to the effect of, "Give me my space."  Some time passed and then, for some reason, Lindsay allegedly punched the girl in the left side of her face.

Meanwhile, here’s the poor lady who Linds punched in the face and who has definitely seen better days:

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Lindsay Lohan Is Super Jealous of Amanda Bynes

My friend told me over the weekend, "I wish I loved anything as much as Amanda Bynes loves to drive." The former Nickelodeon star has been in trouble several times in the last few months for a DUI and two hit-and-run charges. Last week, TMZ published photos of Bynes smoking from a "drug pipe" and close-up shots of her filthy car. And yesterday, cops pulled her over again and impounded her car, as she was driving on a suspended license. Girl loves to drive! She also loves to get high, which is understandable, but, like, wouldn’t she rather just do that on her couch where there is TV and snacks and she wouldn’t have to worry about power steering (what is that, anyway? Weird) and the complicated car stereo system and, ugh, like, how annoying is it when you don’t have power windows and have to turn those old-timey crank things to make the windows go down, but wouldn’t it be kind of awesome if instead of going to the gym you could do, like, a million reps on those things and really beef up your arms. (That’s a great idea. I should write it down.) 

But I digress. Lindsay Lohan, to whom plently of people have compared Bynes because, you know, they are women, took to Twitter to air her frustrations as to why her apparent rival has been able to dodge jail time:

I don’t know, Linds, because I’m no legal expert, but I think it has something to do with misdemeanors and cocaine and jewelry thefts and such. Sorry! But, really, can you blame Lohan for being pissed? I mean, Amanda Bynes gets to spend her whole day fucked up and drivin’ around and talking to herself at the gym, and poor Lindsay Lohan has to pose for Playboy and shoot Lifetime movies just to pay her rent. The real question, though: do you think their parents ever get into fights about which one is the worst and who is the most to blame for ruining their daughters’ lives by pushing them into showbiz at young ages and contributing to our misogynistic celebrity culture?

Contact the author of this post at tcoates@bbook.com, and follow him on Twitter.

That Guy Split Up With What’s-Her-Face

TMZ, People, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation have all harmoniously confirmed the terrible breakup of a torrid sexual relationship between Hollywood actors Jennifer Anniston and Robert Pattinson, who appeared on The Daily Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to confirm that he will be the new legal guardian for Suri Cruise, the illegitimate child of British chanteuse Adele and an unnamed father who is probably Bret Michaels, the rock star famous for his recently called-off double-engagement to Twilight’s Kristen Stewart and one of the girls from Teen Mom.

Meanwhile, Gillian Anderson, Anne Hathaway and Carey Mulligan have filed for a divorce from their respective husbands—Stevie Wonder, Tom Cruise and Justin Theroux (née Jeremy Piven). Kenny G, accredited just two days ago as a lawyer, will represent both men in what is likely to be a blood-soaked beast of a court proceeding. Kenny G is also caught in the middle of his own bitter divorce from a crazed fan, who filed for marriage without his knowledge; that case is presided over by Judge Judy.

Judge Judy could not be reached for comment, but this weekend she was spotted scarfing down hamburgers at Chateau Marmont with Ryan Gosling, the world-renown David Duchovny impersonator.

Did Lindsay Lohan Try to Buy Silence From the Truck Driver She Hit?

In case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t heard yet, Lindsay Lohan was hospitalized (and subsequently released) yesterday after the Porsche she was driving collided with an 18-wheeler near Santa Monica. Lohan’s car was heavily damaged, but luckily she escaped serious injury. Not-so-luckily, however, she’s now being accused by the driver of the truck she hit of attempting to buy his silence.

TMZ is out with a report today, including a firsthand video account from James, who was driving the 18-wheeler Lohan hit, that states the perma-troubled starlet attempted to flee the scene following the accident. When Lohan was stopped by James, her people offered to pay him off in exchange for his silence, he says.

But wait, there’s more! Here are the juiciest details from TMZ’s report:

James tells TMZ after the accident, he called 911 as Lindsay and her male assistant got out of the Porsche and into the Escalade. James says the assistant picked up a pink bag, "filled it up with something" and then put clothes on top of it.

James claims the driver of the Escalade was trying to keep him away from the SUV. James says he wanted to exchange info with Lindsay (whom he did not recognize) but it was apparent to him she was about to flee the scene.

James says the Escalade driver offered him money, saying they could "go to the bank" and withdraw some cash.

James says the Escalade driver and Lindsay’s assistant put on a full court press: "Him and the guy took me across the street and told me this was some kind of famous person and they didn’t want to be in the media. But I’d already called 911 because they were trying to get away from the scene. But they packed a bag and then the limousine driver told me, ‘Don’t mention the bag to the cops.’"

So, do you buy James’ story? Will you defend Lohan’s honor? Do you know what was in that elusive pink bag? Dish!

Lindsay Lohan Involved in Alleged Nightclub Altercation

After several years of probation stemming from multiple arrests, Lindsay Lohan was finally, formally set free by the court two weeks ago. One would think, then, that Lohan would do everything she could to stay sober, or–at the very least–out of trouble. One would be wrong.

That’s because, in what will surely come as a shock to absolutely no one, Lohan is already back to her partying, Hollywood club-hopping ways. She’s also allegedly back to her beat-a-bitch-up days! This according to TMZ, who reports Lohan was involved in a nightclub altercation with another female on Thursday night:

According to our sources, a woman filed an incident report with the West Hollywood Sheriff’s Department last night. We’re told the woman claims Lindsay got into it with her at a nightclub on Thursday night. She claims Lindsay did not like the fact she was talking to a male friend of LiLo’s.

Law enforcement sources say they will investigate the woman’s claims — like they would any other incident like this — to determine their validity.

Lindsay’s rep, Steve Honig, tells TMZ, "Lindsay was absolutely not involved in any sort of altercation whatsoever. This is clearly another case of someone looking for money and 15 minutes of fame."

It’s great to have you back, LiLo! (I’d say "Never change," but at this point I think it’s safe to assume she doesn’t need our help to be self-destructive.)

Justin Bieber Threatened With Lawsuit Over Twitter Phone Prank

Tinnitus, also know as the ringing ear syndrome, can be induced by a lot of things: the roaring of a jet engine, the buzz of a Marshall stack, the shrieking of a pack of Beliebers, etc. The last one is why two people in Texas — identified simply as Dilcie and Kent — are threatening legal action against Justin Bieber, TMZ reports, after what they say was a Twitter prank gone horribly wrong. Earlier in the month, Bieber Tweeted a phone number with the caption "Call me right now" — fun enough, except the number was short one digit, leading his trillions of followers to spam their cell phones with guesses. Dilcie and Kent were apparently in that string of potential numbers, and claim they’ve since received more than 1,000 phone calls from teenage girls who just do not know any goddamn better.

But that’s not the best part — it’s what Dilcie and Kent want in compensation, things like "concert tickets for Ms. Fleming’s grandchildren," (Dilcie, I presume), "a Bieber apology, an endorsement for Kent’s upcoming online project … and lastly…. money for any out of pocket expenses." Other things apparently left off the request form at their lawyers’ suggestion: a big ole box of Twizzlers, FLAC downloads of every U2 album, every Angry Birds app, and a jump rope made out of Bieber’s bangs. In response, all Bieber had to say was "Baby, baby, NOOOOO" XD (whoever hires writers for Leno, get at me!). Listen to Bieber’s newly released "Boyfriend" below.

To Irony’s Delight, Larry David Gets Stuck in Parking Garage

Here is a very, very silly story: TMZ has procured a video of Curb Your Enthusiasm‘s Larry David getting stuck in a Los Angeles parking garage after being unable to feed his ticket into the gate so that he could go home. You see, this is funny because David once wrote an episode of Seinfeld in which Jerry and the gang find themselves trapped in a parking garage because they can’t figure out where they parked. Hence, irony. This is only in the general vicinity of the same thing, but it’s close enough. If you want to split hairs, just pretend like it’s an IRL episode of Curb.

 

A word of advice: When somebody asks you for help, screaming "I love you!" is not a proper response, even if that somebody is a celebrity. Below, the only clip from "The Parking Garage" that YouTube will let me embed.