Imagined Production Numbers From the ‘Mean Girls’ Musical

Tina Fey devotees all ‘round the Internet have been rejoicing since last night, when during the Screen Actors Guild Awards red carpet interviews, Fey mentioned to E!’s Giuliana Rancic that the Mean Girls musical may actually become a thing, and she doesn’t appear to be trolling. We hope. Maybe. Please?

"I’m trying to develop it actually with my husband who does all the music for ’30 Rock,” she told Rancic. “I think Paramount’s on board. Yeah." A bit later, when Rancic asked about the fight American Idol judges Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey had over Mean Girls on the show, Fey expressed her admiration for Carey and suggested that she could play Mrs. George, Amy Poehler’s cocktail-sipping, slang using, implant-donning “Cool Mom.”

If it’s not even fully in development yet, the Mean Girls musical is a long way off, much like “Fetch” as a popular slang term. And musicals adapted from popular films are always sort of hit-and-miss territory (see Legally Blonde: The Musical, Shrek: The Musical, TRON: The Musical*) But with Fey helming the project and the right casting, this could actually be pretty excellent. And you’d see it regardless of whether or not it was good, obvs. Because it’s a Mean Girls musical. And what would the Original Broadway Cast soundtrack look like? A sampling of imagined musical numbers:

  • “Out of Africa”
  • “Navigating the Cafeteria” (This would be a big dance number featuring the different cliques/lunch tables each showing off their moves, a la “Mambo” from West Side Story)
  • “She Keeps Me Young (Song of the Cool Mom)” (Mariah’s big number)
  • “The Burn Book Tango”
  • “Damn, Africa, What Happened?”
  • "The Secret In the Projection Room Above the Auditorium”
  • “And None For Gretchen Wieners” (a tender moment in which Gretchen Wieners laments her second-banana status, in the style of “Valjean’s Soliloquy”)
  • "Kevin Gnapoor’s Rap (Full Version)”
  • “Jingle Bell Rock”
  • “Damn, Africa, What Happened? (Reprise)”
  • “The Burn Book, Revealed” (instrumental dance number/staged fight)
  • “Oh Hell No, I Did Not Leave the South Side For This!” (duet between Ms. Norbury and the principal with a few Chicago in-jokes, with love, from Tina)
  • "The Limit (Does Not Exist)”
  • “Girl World, At Peace”

*Yes, it exists. Thanks, UCB! 

Liz Lemon, Stay-At-Home-Mom?

30 Rock‘s hour-long finale airs this Thursday night, which means you’ve still got five days to plan your Cheesy Blasters appetizers for the viewing party. In the meantime, content yourself with this sneak peek clip posted on Entertainment Weekly‘s web site. 

Liz Lemon has cut back her workload at TGS to prepare for new motherhood, but is finding she’s got too much time on her hands when she’s not keeping Tracy out of the shark tank at the acquarium – slash – keeping Jenna out from underneath Mickey Rourke.

But at least she has time to execise now? (Funny, the same thing happens to me when I go running, too.)

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Linkage: A Successful Golden Globes, a Zack Snyder ‘Star Wars,’ and New Natalie Wood Evidence

It shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone, but last night’s Golden Globes were a big hit. The combination of nominated movies that people actually saw and liked as well as the pairing of beloved stars Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as the co-hosts brought in the biggest ratings in six years. Maybe that’ll be a lesson to the honchos who were sure that a surly British man who has had success in his homeland and on American cable might not have the biggest draw compared to two funny ladies who have captured our collective hearts for years. [EW]

No matter how you feel about Jodie Foster, Anne Hathaway, or Fey and Poehler appearance at last night’s Golden Globes, let’s all agree that Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig could probably knock the socks off all of us if they ever got the chance to host an awards show. [Hypervocal]

“Sure, it’s fine to joke about Meryl Streep always winning everything, but announcing, "I beat Meryl"? When you’re 22 and you’ve been in Hollywood for, like, a minute? Not very classy, Jen.” Seems like someone didn’t catch Jennifer Lawrence’s subtle First Wives Club reference last night. [Fox News]

My apologies to Star Wars fans, particularly those who prefer subtlety over slow-motion bouncing boobs (I’m sure there are maybe four of you): Zack Snyder, who is responsible for 300 and that giant blue penis we had to look at in Watchmen, is developing a project for Lucasfilm that will be a “Jedi epic loosely based on Akira Kurosawa’s 1954 classic Seven Samurai.” [Vulture]

Woody Allen, who prefers the term “alarmist” over “hypochondriac,” might be one of the few people in history who has written personally about hickeys in The New York Times. [NYT]

Last year, investigators reopened the case of Natalie Wood’s mysterious death, and it seems that there may be new evidence to support the claim that the actress was assaulted. [CBS]

It’s pretty obvious that Andy Cohen is perhaps the only person who can name all of the songs that fit into the Real Housewives genre of music, right? [Gawker]

AV Club offers a fantastic look at A Different World, which began as a Cosby Show spin-off and settled on its own as a top-ten primetime hit. Why hasn’t a predominantly African-American sitcom performed nearly as well in years since? [AV Club]

It’s finally time to throw out those dusty boxes of Rid you’ve been hiding under the sink, ladies. The rise in Brazilian waxes has, in turn, brought a decline in pubic lice. [Jezebel]

Do you like great writing and intelligent thoughts? Do you appreciate it when those things are delivered right to you, via your smartphone? Might I suggest you subscribe to Maura Magazine, the new product from former Village Voice music editor and brilliant badass Maura Johnston. [The Awl]

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Things We Will Probably Read on the Internet Today About the Golden Globes

So the Golden Globes happened. We laughed, we cried, we rolled our eyes, we got really judgey about some people. And now, you’re probably gonna read about it. Here’s what you should probably be prepared to read about. For best effect, this can be turned into a fun scavenger hunt for your lunchtime reading/Internet browsing.

– 5,000 Words About How I Feel About Lena Dunham
– 5,000 Words Telling You How You Should Feel About Lena Dunham
– 5,000 Words Equating Lena Dunham With The Entire American Population Ages 18-29
– A Brief History of Lindsay Lohan’s Award Show Livetweets (Slideshow) 
– Some Really Ill-Conceived and Hasty Pitch Paralleling Jodie Foster’s Coming Out/Not Coming Out to Frank Ocean’s
– Really, E!? A Mani-Cam? 
– It’s The Year of Strong Female Characters… Again! Who’da Thunkit? Women! 
– Why Do People Love Anne Hathaway So Much?
– Why Do People Hate Anne Hathaway So Much? 
– Did You Know Lena Dunham Is Dating The Guy From fun.? 
– Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Were Gravely Underused
– Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Fan Fiction (YOUR MOVE, TUMBLR)
– Gossip Blog Interprets Taylor Swift’s Side-Eye to Adele As Bitchy Cat-Fight Between Two Pop Megastars Because LADIES, AMIRITE?
– Damian Lewis, Jessica Chastain and the Year of the Redhead 
– Does Tommy Lee Jones Ever Smile?
– We All Know Zosia Mamet Is The Real Star Here Let’s Stop Kidding Ourselves
– Something Something Something Lena Dunham
– An Oral History of the Movie Nell
– 25 Other Times Jodie Foster Has Trolled Us About Her Sexual Orientation (Slideshow)

And a whole lot devoted to this:

Tina Fey Hates Twitter, Tweets Under Martha Stewart’s Turkey Tips Account

Amy Poehler’s Ask Amy advice videos are the best thing on the Internet any day a new Ask Amy video appears. Someone at NBC got Tina Fey in on the game, too, with her own Ask Tina videos.  They’re not as good as Ask Amy, but still deserve an honorable mention because this is Tina Fey we’re talking about.

Today, Tina is talking about Twitter. She’s never used it and just to make that clear she calls tweets "Twitter things." Then she spends, like, another three minutes bitching about Twitter.

We get it. You do not like Twitter.

Correct me if I’m mistaken, but there’s probably an entire chapter about how stupid Twitter is in her memoir Bossypants? Don’t really understand why this video neded to happen. But whatever, 30 Rock 4eva! 

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Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Provide Your Golden Globes Drinking Game

As with any good awards ceremony, the best way to enjoy the evening is in fancy dress, tipsy off cheap champagne—or you know, whatever’s lying around your kitchen. And with this year’s slew of nominees, it’s safe to say, yes, a cocktail will be in order. And being the brilliant and beautiful women they are, Golden Globes co-hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler have devised their own rules for a 2013 Golden Globes Drinking Game. The rules go as follows:

  • Drink any time an actress cries in a speech.
  • Drink any time you see a person actively not listening to someone onstage.
  • Drink any time someone says, "I didn’t prepare anything!"
  • Eat a meatball sub any time someone thanks Harvey Weinstein.
  • Take off an article of clothing any time they show Judi Dench.
  • Take off an article of clothing any time Maggie Smith wins.

Thank you, ladies. Let’s have a toast.

Nepotism We Can Get Behind: Tina Fey’s Kid On ’30 Rock’

Nepotism is the enemy of any no-name from the suburbs who clawed their way to the top (er, weekend blogging gig for Black Book). For every Spitzer/Wenner/Huffington/Hanks/Spielberg spawn with a sweet gig, there’s a bitter liberal arts grad who really could have used that $35,000 salary. But a hypocrite I am, yes, because this nepotism is A-OK in my book: Tina Fey’s daughter Alice on 30 Rock.

Alice Richmond, who is seven, appeared on Thursday night’s episode playing a young Liz Lemon. She was the flower girl in a wedding who rolls her eyes when the reverand announces, "You may kiss the bride!" (Eyerolling at weddings, you see, is something Liz Lemon never got over.)  

Alice is the spitting image of Tina Fey, especially in the eyes. No word yet, though, on whether that bowl cut was keeping with ’70s child hairstyles of "young Liz Lemon" prior flashbacks or an actual Fey/Richmond family haircut.

Go ahead, give Alice all of the jobs. It’s totally cool.

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The First Preview of What the ’30 Rock’ Wedding Will Actually Look Like

Not too long ago, we gave you some mostly-baseless predictions about the upcoming wedding episode of 30 Rock, wherein Liz Lemon finally ties the knot with her hot dog van-owning, frequently-grinning boyfriend, Criss Chross. The episode, "Mazel Tov, Dummies!" airs this Thursday, and as it turns out, we were right about that first thing—one of Liz’s boyfriends would return, in and as predicted, of course it’s not the lovable buffoon Jon Hamm but Beeper King Dennis Duffy (Dean Winters), who will undoubtedly complicate things somehow, as well as, per the photo gallery at HuffPo, guest appearances from Melissa McMeekin and a particularly creepy-looking John Hodgman. We’re still crossing our fingers for an unexpected return of Margaret Cho as Kim Jong-Il for no apparent reason, but that doesn’t seem likely. 

NBC has also released the first preview of the wedding episode, in which Liz tells her longtime platonic work-spouse, Jack Donaghy, about the wedding. Jack, naturally, is more excited about this development than Liz is. And gives great hugs. Watch. 

A Brief, Non-Comprehensive Set of Predictions for the ’30 Rock’ Wedding Episode

In two weeks, as NBC announced yesterday, 30 Rock will go down that road that many on-their-way-out comedies have gone before, celebrating a long-awaited milestone of one of the central characters. Liz Lemon, who for years has been revered across the Internet as Our Lady of the Young and Single, Patron Saint of Sandwiches, is getting hitched, to happy-go-lucky hot dog truck owner Criss Chros (James Marsden). As far as Liz’s boyfriends have gone, Criss isn’t the most interesting but is one of the more likable, and it should be a decent Very Special Episode. 

Naturally, we have a few rather baseless, general predictions of what will happen in the 30 Rock wedding episode, in case you wanted to play Bingo or turn it into a drinking game or something like that. 

– At least one of Liz’s ex-boyfriends returns. It will probably be beeper king Dennis Duffy but here’s hoping it will be Jon Hamm’s hook-handed Dr. Drew. 

– Jenna sings. Multiple times. 

– Jenna is embroiled in some bridesmaid/Maid of Honor-related conflict.

– Jenna threatens to commit suicide at the wedding as a result of said conflict. 

– Criss’ name is misspelled on at least one wedding sign or invitation—but not in the way you would think! Maybe "Cris" or "Chirs" or something. 

– Liz and Jack banter about whether or not Liz will be keeping her own name.

– Jack gets into Liz’s head somehow and almost inadvertently breaks up the wedding.

– Liz wears her TGS hoodie until right before she walks down the aisle. 

– Liz walks down the aisle to some old but recognizable NBC TV show theme, maybe Family Ties or Mad About You.

– In a homage to a previous wedding episode in which she tried to stall for time by reading random scriptures, Liz accidentally chooses a rather bizarre biblical passage—one involving lots of concubines or maybe that part of Leviticus that says you’re not allowed to eat shrimp. 

– Hazel Wassername attempts to thwart the wedding in a particularly garish manner, possibly involving an explosion. 

– Jack opens up to Kenneth about his crippling loneliness as he sees Liz Lemon in a happy relationship. Scotch follows. 

– At least one "Lemon Party" joke for good measure. 

– Frank has a wedding-focused hat slogan, possibly having to do with copulating with one of the bridesmaids. 

– Liz announces her pregnancy because dammit this show is going to go down in a blaze of glory.