Where There’s Football, There’s The Return of ‘The League’

You may still be devising ways to corrupt Tim Tebow in his inaugural season with the Jets, people of New York, and FX’s semi-improvised bro-tacular comedy The League and its cast of funny people (Mark Duplass! Katie Aselton! Nick Kroll!) is coming back to give you some ideas. The first teasers for the show’s fourth season, following a rather dramatic ending last year involving Ruxin (Kroll) escaping the hospital post-stroke and Taco (Jon Lajoie) trying to hold a Viking funeral for the league, dropped this week. Terrell Suggs of the Baltimore Ravens guest stars in the promo spots, which all spoof Brett Favre’s Wrangler “Comfortable” ads. 

Ken Marino of Party Down fame will also appear as a guest star this season, and sparked some speculation on the Internet Wednesday morning after a series of tweets about his being arrested for punching cast regular Nick Kroll in the face, bloody-knuckled Twitpic and all. Based on the show’s goofy tweets in response and the fact that Marino was allegedly posting from a cop car, this was probably all a pretty elaborate publicity stunt.

The League returns to FX on October 11, just in time for everyone to have lost interest in their actual fantasy football teams. Also, this is the year Jenny MacArthur wins the Shiva. I can feel it in my bones.

Tim Tebow Gets Maroon 5 ‘Payphone’ Parody

Fuck if I know what’s even going on here — you know, girls and football, blah — but I am told the Jets are playing this afternoon. Thus I would be remiss not to post this Maroon 5 ‘Payphone’ parody from Network of Champions.

 

Oh look: someone with a higher falsetto than Adam Levine.

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter and Tumblr.

Your Daily Guide to Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Facebook IPO
If Facebook had a dollar for every time someone did a Google search about its stock… Oh, wait, it’s about to. Everyone’s searching for info on Facebook stock because at 11 a.m., when the Nasdaq Stock Market opens, the company’s stock will be available to the public — not really, but the Master of the Universe who will later make a fortune selling it to the actual public — and the company will establish its worth at what’s expected to be about $104 billion. Watch out, folks, a lot of pasty computer types in the Bay Area are about to get exponentially more attractive.

Eduardo Saverin
Because today is going to be all Facebook all the time — sorry, Donna Summer! — people using Google are curious about Brazilian-born Facebook founder Saverin (Andrew Garfield from the movie, kids), who’s doing his best to explain away the recent news that he’s expatriating to Singapore. The web entrepreneur, who supposedly owns about $2 billion worth of the social network, now says he’s not attempting to avoid paying taxes on what’s going to be an enormous windfall today. "My decision to expatriate was based solely on my interest in working and living in Singapore, where I have been since 2009,” he said to Forbes. “I am obligated to and will pay hundreds of millions of dollars in taxes to the United States government. I have paid and will continue to pay any taxes due on everything I earned while a U.S. citizen."

Elin Nordegren
Who cares about Mark Zuckerberg and pals when Tiger Woods’ ex-wife has told her friends she’s looking for a stable relationship. This is the shit that makes the world go round, Yahoo! readers! Anyway, the Norweigan beauty has apparently sent banking scion boy-toy Jamie Dingman packing and is looking for someone who can be a proper step-dad to her two kids. Meanwhile, her ex was just named the most powerful athlete in the world, which can’t make her feel any better on those long, lonely nights curled up in a mansion with her massive fortune.

Tebow Cease and Desist
The intrepid Yahoo! users who are searching out news on virginal Tim Tebow’s cease-and-desist lawsuit must be wondering why the Jesus-loving football star can’t turn the other cheek. You see, a company called Cubby Tees is making knock-off New York Jets shirts that turn the Jets logo into something that says “My Jesus,” not too different from those Coca-Cola rip-offs that say “Cocaine” and things of that nature. But because Tebow is the Jet most closely associated with the guy upstairs, he’s pissed! In a letter, his lawyers wrote, “"The Merchandise makes it appear as if Mr. Tebow actually endorses Cubby Tees and its products.”

#IReallyWantTo
Oh, Twitter. Even when there’s news happening and the world is changing, sometimes you just like to sit there and play with your bellybutton lint, don’t you? Today on the site, the phrase “I Really Want To” is trending, so people are posting their hearts’ desires. It’s awful.

I Really Want 1

I Really Want 2

I Really Want 3

Morning Links: Anne Hathaway Gets A Haircut, Lana Del Rey Spotted Out With Axl Rose

● Anne Hathaway’s drastic new haircut, shorn short in preparation for her role in Les Miserables, matches her drastic new diet. [Us]

● New York Jet Tim Tebow spent his Easter Sunday presiding over mass for nearly 15,000 worshipers at Celebration Church in Georgetown, Texas. "In Christianity, it’s the Pope and Tebow right now," explained the church’s usual pastor. "We didn’t have enough room to handle the Pope." [People]

● 21 years post-Loveless, Kevin Shields has at last begun teasing a new My Bloody Valentine album. "I’m just finishing a record that I had started in the 90s," he told Pitchfork, adding that, "I tend to work really quickly, suddenly, and I might be willing to do that right now. We’ll see!" [Pitchfork]

● Jay Electronica comes through with the full version to "Dear Moleskine," a track he began teasing back in 2009. Now about that album… [NahRight]

● Which makes for the cuter couple: Lana Del Rey and Marilyn Manson or Lana Del Rey and Axl Rose? [TMZ]

● Whitney Houston’s funeral cost her hometown of Newark, New Jersey a whopping $187,000 in police overtime. [THR]

Afternoon Links: Mariah Carey Stages a Comeback, Arcade Fire Release New Song for ‘Hunger Games’

● Mariah Carey hit the stage for the first time since she became a mom last night in New York. She looked great and sounded not-so-bad. Monroe and Moroccan, maybe we could share her? [Rap-Up]

● Insiders say that Taylor Swift’s rumored romance with the vituous football star Tim Tebow is nothing but a puppy dog crush. For now. [US]

● For all those of you who are not yet excited for The Hunger Games movie, perhaps this new Arcade Fire song from the sound track will do the trick? [Billboard]

16 and Pregnant season one star Whitney Purvis was arrested yesterday after she allegedly stole a pregnancy test from her local Wal-mart and used it in the store’s bathroom. Purvis was booked for misdemeanor theft by shoplifting. No word yet on the test’s result. [TMZ]

● Azealia Banks knows that her prime audience is middle-age white guys, because — fair or not — it is middle-age white guys who tend to run the record companies. [TMagazine]

● The Vanity Fair Oscar Party photo-booth pictures are without a doubt the most entertaining part of the Oscars ceremony. [VF]

Pat Robertson Gets Mad at SNL’s Tebow Impersonation

Last week’s Saturday Night Live ran a cute sketch making light of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow’s predilection for pointing out his love for Jesus, like, literally all the time. The sketch, featuring a mailed in Jason Sudeikis-as-Jesus impersonation, was easy-breezy enough, though a little on the nose.

But according to Pat Robertson? The inflammatory pundit took to the Christian Broadcast Network to denounce SNL‘s impersonation as nothing less than "anti-Christian bigotry that is just disgusting," which is maybe a tad hyperbolic for a sketch that compares Tom Brady to the nephew of God. In case that wasn’t enough, he postulated this awesome hypothetical: “If this had been a Muslim country and they had done that and had Muhammad doing that stuff, you would have found bombs being thrown off and bodies on the street." Yes, well, this isn’t a Muslim country, and don’t you want to keep it that way? Are you a secret traitor to the flag, Mr. Robertson?

Oh, I can’t even pretend. Pointing out Robertson’s public buffoonery is the easiest thing in the world, but it’s really kind of funny to see him sputter in the defense of a millionaire football player with plenty of diehard fans who also happens to be a member of the most overwhelmingly popular religion in this country. Tebow needs no defenders; by definition, he’s got millions of them. Below, you can watch the original SNL sketch and decide for yourself whether or not Jason Sudeikis’s wig is making a mockery of this country.

Jimmy Fallon Returns to ‘SNL’ With Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch & More

Last night was full of nostalgia for SNL fans. During his monolgue, Jimmy Fallon, who was a cast member for six years, revealed it felt like he was coming home.  Raising the holiday spirit and helping the comedian-turned-late-night-host bring back some classic sketches was Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Horatio Sans, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan.  

It wouldn’t be Fallon on SNL without a Sully and Denise sketch. They’re older but still keeping it classy as they try and crash the Shawsheen Vocational Technical high school dance with a giant plastic bag of Franzia wine.  Poehler stops by to explain what really happened during the months she was out with mono during school. 

The best sketch in my opinion was Michel Buble’s Christmas duets album, which gave Fallon the opportunity to show off his hilarious impressions of Sting, Justin Bieber, and Russell Brand. Just wait till you see what they have playing Lady Gaga. 

Seth Meyers, Poehler, Fallon and Tina Fey returned to their spots at the news desk for a Weekend Update Joke-Off to see who could come up with the best punchline for a strip clubs holiday toy drive. 

A thin Horatio Sans, Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan stopped by for what seemed like a filler sketch.   Kattan and Morgan were underutilized but it was good to see everyone together again. 

And being that "Tebowing" has been all over the Internet this week, the show would not be complete without a sketch where Jesus drops by the Denver Bronco’s locker room to tell the quarterback to tone it down a bit.

 

Who Got Tackled Better: Betty White or Tim Tebow’s Mom?

Very few things excite me about Oscar night for the straights. But older gals getting tackled is one of them, and it happened — twice — at yesterday’s Super-duper Bowl. In his totally innocuous but much-discussed pro-life campaign for Focus on the Family, Heisman winner Tim Tebow takes his mom Pam down like a lead balloon. And in a separate Snickers spot, Betty White eats turf after getting sacked on the field. Let’s compare.

AGE: Betty White is 88. Pam Tebow is not. (+100 points for White.) EXECUTION: The guy that jumps White looks like he just broke every bone in her body. Tim Tebow plays a pro-choicer and tells his mom to can it by totally sideswiping her. (+1 for Tebow.) RECOVERY: After White gets knocked down — in the mud — she dusts herself off and makes a girlfriend joke at the other guy’s expense. After Tebow gets knocked down — in front of a white seamless — she rebounds like nothing ever happened. (+2 points for White.) STYLE: White’s wearing white sneakers and a floral-print sweater with matching pants. Tebow pairs her French tips with a black blazer and Mary Steenburgen smile.(+1 for Tebow/Steenburgen.) WORDPLAY POTENTIAL: White is old as mud. Tebow tackles the tough issues. (+100 for Tebow.)

Well, turns out they tied in the end. Regardless, we’re all winners here for being able to watch two older gals get the wind knocked out of them.