Afternoon Links: Tila Tequila Hospitalized For Brain Aneurysm, Jonathan Franzen Hates Twitter

● Tila Tequila has been hospitalized for a brain aneurysm and consequential drug overdose that left her near death. "It was terrifying for Tila," says someone who knows. [Radar]

● China is getting a Gossip Girl spinoff of their very own called China Girl, and Gossip Girl creators Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage will consult. [LAT]

● The 1972 Dodge Sportsman Royal Van used by the Melvins to tour that was occasionally driven by Kurt Cobain himself is up for auction on eBay. Going once, going twice… [BV]

● Speaking at Tulane last night, noted technophobe Jonathan Franzen made clear that he will not be joining the 140 Club. "Twitter is unspeakably irritating," he said. "Twitter stands for everything I oppose…it’s hard to cite facts or create an argument in 140 characters…it’s like if Kafka had decided to make a video semaphoring The Metamorphosis. Or it’s like writing a novel without the letter ‘P.’" Which is, you know, something some writers like to do. [MediaBistro]

● In celebration of Super Tuesday, VH1 has rounded up 40 celebrities who vote Right. Some you might have guessed (Kirk Cameron); others may come as a surprise (Vince Vaughn?).  [TheFabLife]

● They’re really pumping them out now: hear two more new Radiohead songs — “The Amazing Sounds of Orgy” and “Skirting on the Surface” — as performed last week in Miami. [The Fader]

Zach Galifianakis Gives Jennifer Aniston Her Best Role Yet

At this point in her career, Jennifer Aniston doesn’t need a hit so much as some respect. And since she won’t be finding that in theaters any time soon (unless Adam Sandler romantic comedies are your tipple), the only place left to turn is the internet, where a man named Zach and woman named Tila await.

Aniston is the latest movie star to drop by the reliably great Between Two Ferns, Galifianakis’ gonzo web talk show. She was the second guest of the night — the first was Tila Tequila, who we’ve missed — and Galifianakis made sure she knew it. It was a reminder of Aniston’s expert comic timing (especially the last bit), and it makes us wish she wasn’t squandering it on, well, Jennifer Aniston movies. Yeah, it’s that bad. Have a look at what she can accomplish if she just didn’t try so damn hard, below.

Links: Tila Tequila Feels the Wrath of the Juggalos, Hilary Duff Gets Married

● Professional famous person and part-time singer Tila Tequila was assaulted while on stage over the weekend at the Gathering of the Juggalos — a music festival founded by Insane Clown Posse — pelted with rocks and allegedly, feces. Then she flashed them and it got worse. [E! Online] ● Katy Perry crashed a high school prom in Australia when she heard the infectious strains of her hit single “California Gurls.” [Radar] ● The actress Zsa Zsa Gabor, 93, is in serious condition following surgery and was read her last rites on Sunday morning. [AP]

● Twenty-two year old Hilary Duff married some hockey player named Mike Comrie, for some reason. And Gordo weeps. [NYDN] ● The babysitter who witnessed Mel Gibson flipping out on his girlfriend — and also the woman he called a “wetback” — has died after a fight with cancer. Gibson is, scientifically, a lucky son of a gun. [Radar] ● Neil Patrick Harris and his boyfriend are expecting twins via a surrogate mother, reality show to follow, should his career falter at all. [E! Online]

Links: Tila Tequila is Addicted to Good Times; C.I.A. Dreams Up Saddam Hussein Gay Sex Tape

● Tila Tequila will allegedly reveal her secret ecstasy addiction on a forthcoming season of Celebrity Rehab. Now she’s going to be such a bummer. [Radar] ● 50 Cent lost 60 pounds on a liquid diet to play a man suffering from cancer in an upcoming film, lending himself to jokes about how now he’s “closer to 30 Cent.” The math indicates more like -10. [ThisIs50] ● Did Matt Lauer have an affair with Alexis Houston, a scam artist singer who used to be a man? She says no! [Page Six]

● The C.I.A. once plotted to undermine the Iraqi government of Saddam Hussein with a fake gay sex tape, making our nation’s security forces something like a giant fraternity. But we already knew that. [Guardian] ● French first lady Carla Bruni was featured on a recently resurfaced 1996 game show clip speaking about all sorts of dirty things, like being French and having breasts. [Frisky] ● Apple is officially worth more than Microsoft; nerds rejoice. [WaPo]

Links: Jimmy Fallon to Host Worst Award Show; Lady Gaga, Terrence Koh and Oprah Walk into a Bar…

● Jimmy Fallon will host the Emmys. In a statement, the former SNL star and current Conan/Leno third wheel said of the honor that it “has been a dream of mine ever since they told me I was doing it.” [Parade] ● Tila Tequila started a new celebrity gossip website, which would be something like Tiger Woods opening a brothel. [Videogum] ● The series finale of Lost will be another 30 minutes longer than previously announced, putting the whole thing into an electromagnetic loop so it actually plays forever. [Vulture]

● It took both downtown artist Terrence Koh and uptown girl Oprah to coax a pissy Lady Gaga out of her dressing room at the Met’s Costume Gala. A diva with an identity crisis, like we didn’t already know! [Page Six] ● Basketball star Kobe Bryant obviously does not spend enough time on the internet or he’d know that if you pose with something stupid on your head, you better damn well expect a flood of hilarious Photoshops. [Deadspin] ● Why not watch a Chinese boy break the jump roping world record? [Buzzfeed]

Links: Taylor Swift Drops a Grammy; Kanye POed at Fashion Bloggers

● Grammys not made of the strongest stuff, as Taylor Swift learned dropping one on the floor; The telecast attracted more viewers than it has since 2004 and viewership was up 35 percent from last year; The lyrics bleeped out of the Lil’ Wayne, Eminem and Drake performance. [Buzzfeed, NYTimes, Vulture] ● Blink and you’ll miss it: Tila Tequila has deleted her twitter. Can it last? [Official Tila] ● For the paranoid flier: How to fall 35,000 feet and survive. [Popular Mechanics]

● Kanye’s wasn’t happy he got ragged on for wearing fur at fashion week in Paris. If you can overlook the capitalization, he has a point:” IT’S FUNNY TO ME WHEN FASHION BLOGGERS DOWN OUR OUFITS AND THEN SUPER JOCK OUTLANDISH SHIT ON THE RUNWAY.” [kanyeuniversecity] ● The creator of Calvin & Hobbes gives his first interview in 20 years; Don DeLillo talks about his new novel. [Cleveland Plain Dealer, WSJ] ● Finally a Lost promo with footage from the new season. Tomorrow night can not come soon enough. [Daily What]

Teenage Girls and Tila Tequila: Pregnant

This had better not be a marketing ploy to promote The Pregnancy PactThe bad news: Teenage pregnancy has increased for the first time in over 10 years. Not by a staggering amount, mind you, but enough to get the pro-choice folk and the virgins in the same room, for what will surely be a heated debate over federal funding and the efficacy of abstinence programs. “The decline in teen pregnancy has stopped — and in fact has turned around,” explains Lawrence Finer, the director of domestic research for the non-profit who crunched these numbers. “These data are certainly cause for concern.” This is also the first time that abortion statistics have been used to suss out the purity of these rising numbers, and, abortion rates have also begun an incremental rise, which means, yep, there are more teens going the way of the Spears. Some potential reasons for the renewed purchase of baby bumps as a socioeconomic marker: an increase in poverty and a more casual perspective on AIDS, for myriad reasons, which have resulted in less rigid contraceptive practices. Speaking of less rigid, the good news: Tila Tequila might be knocked up, too!

(‘DiggThis’)First, she was pregnant by a war veteran. Then she was going to be her brother’s surrogate. Now she’s apparently in a family way with an unnamed man. A cursory look at the comments that accompany the post suggest people aren’t buying it. Says Tila, “I DON’T WANT TO EXPLOIT MY BABY NOR WHO THE BABY’S FATHER IS, EXCEPT THAT THE FATHER IS A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE AND IS ALSO IN THIS ‘INDUSTRY.'” Tell us, Tila, what industry would that be? Baby news aside, she spends most of her journal entry taking jabs at Courtenay Semel and lamenting her inability to attend “Millions of Milkshakes,” where she was meant to be honored with her very own shake. Tila explains: “WITH 20,000 PEOPLE THERE, PLUS FANS, PLUS AGRESSIVE PAPARAZZI’S, PLUS YOU ALL KNOW I HAVE HAD A COUPLE OF CRAZY STALKERS LATELY, I TOLD HIM I DID NOT WANT TO PUT MY BABY IN DANGER! SOMEONE COULD ACCIDENTLY JAB ME INT HE BELLY! OR WHAT IF ONE OF THE STALKRS SHOWED UP AND DID SOMETHING HORRIBLE TO ME TO HURT ME AND MY BABY????” I just hope all those new teen moms are this responsible.

Links: Gary Coleman Arrested for Domestic Assault; Woman Falls into Picasso Painting

● Gary Coleman was arrested for domestic assault, making this a perfect time to do a little gossip math: (Diff’rent Strokes pun) + (“What’chu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” variation) = joke. Ta-da! [TMZ] ● Ashton Kutcher announced via Twitter that he will host Saturday Night Live on Feburary 6th. If only his monologue could be limited to 140 characters. [The Wrap] ● Tila Tequila and Kelly Osbourne have beef on Twitter, though Tila’s recap of the whole thing is unreadable thanks to white text and all caps. Luckily, the diss “Smelly Ozbonkers” is in the first line. [Tila’s Hot Spot]

● A student fell into Picasso’s “The Actor” at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, ripping a 6-inch hole through the painting and writing her obituary in the process, because really, how could you top that story? [Gawker/NYT] ● Time thinks John Edwards can be rehabilitated, but there’s no mention of neutering so it might not work. [Time] ● Prince William is getting to be really, really bald, but it couldn’t matter less because it’s royal pattern baldness. [ONTD]

Tila Tequila So Deluded Something Like Pity Starting to Stir in Our Cold Hearts

Earlier today, Daily Intel posted an interview with Internet gremlin Tila Tequila on life, fame and late girlfriend Casey Johnson’s death. Revelations ranged from the unsurprising (“I just sit around at home, and I have nothing to do, so I am on the Internet all the time”) to the extremely unsurprising (“my therapist told me that I have an Internet addiction”), with a few extra psychoses thrown in for good measure. Faced with the mundane insanity of her words, I want to believe this is just a calculated move to seem as pathetic as possible in the hopes of gaining attention for her Next Big Move, like a confessional book about Internet rehab, or maybe a show called A Shot at a Normal Life with Tila Tequila. To take this article at face value, the woman can barely tie her shoes. I mean, look:

(‘DiggThis’)Tila Tequila has stopped drinking water: “You know, sometimes I feel so dehydrated because I realize that I haven’t drank any water for like two months.”

And she doesn’t know how to re-hydrate effectively! “I need a Sunkist.”

Pretty soon she’ll just be a pile of dust on some Manolos. She is also being unfairly persecuted: “I’m being burned at the stake”

Because everyone is just jealous of her fame: “People used to like me because I’m not pristine and perfect like other stars, because I say ‘what’s up’ — yet I’m a celebrity. But then those people start thinking, ‘Well, if she’s the same as me, what makes her better than me? How come she gets to be famous and I can’t?”

And also they’re poor: “I feel like the recession is making people really violent, and because they’re so miserable with their own lives they’re taking it out on celebrities over the Internet”

…and angry she hasn’t responded to their tweets in a prompt fashion: “I have people who I simply can’t talk to, because if I reply one time they want more and more, and if they don’t get more responses, they turn against me.”

…and out to get her. Even Vanessa Grigoriadis. Tila Tequila… shot this reporter a slightly paranoid look, thinking she was planted by a stalker.

Her grand ambition is to go into global politics: “Right now, I’m trying to be the ambassador for Vietnam…Like, ten years from now, I want to be the most respected woman, to be around presidents.”

By way of gossip blogging: “On the blog, I can be nice to people, or I can talk shit about people — and no one will be able to say anything about it because guess what? That’s my job, I’m a blogger!” (Note to Tila: people can, and in fact do, say things about it to bloggers.)

And, um, being a mogul. “As a celebrity, when your celebrity dies, your career dies,” she says. “I want to be a mogul, like P. Diddy or Donald Trump — I guess they’re celebrities, too, but not celebrities like ‘Oh shit, I need to get a TV show.'”

Someone should tell her this is because P. Diddy and Donald Trump are famous for making impressive things, like hit songs and rapacious business deals, while the most impressive thing she has ever made is a Blingee-enabled myspace. And so on, and so forth. She’s actually starting to make me feel bad for her, so maybe her plan is working. Here’s hoping Tila will get the help she needs and then leave us alone for good. Then maybe I’ll get that pony I’ve always wanted, and world peace, too