Your Daily Guide to Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Facebook IPO
If Facebook had a dollar for every time someone did a Google search about its stock… Oh, wait, it’s about to. Everyone’s searching for info on Facebook stock because at 11 a.m., when the Nasdaq Stock Market opens, the company’s stock will be available to the public — not really, but the Master of the Universe who will later make a fortune selling it to the actual public — and the company will establish its worth at what’s expected to be about $104 billion. Watch out, folks, a lot of pasty computer types in the Bay Area are about to get exponentially more attractive.

Eduardo Saverin
Because today is going to be all Facebook all the time — sorry, Donna Summer! — people using Google are curious about Brazilian-born Facebook founder Saverin (Andrew Garfield from the movie, kids), who’s doing his best to explain away the recent news that he’s expatriating to Singapore. The web entrepreneur, who supposedly owns about $2 billion worth of the social network, now says he’s not attempting to avoid paying taxes on what’s going to be an enormous windfall today. "My decision to expatriate was based solely on my interest in working and living in Singapore, where I have been since 2009,” he said to Forbes. “I am obligated to and will pay hundreds of millions of dollars in taxes to the United States government. I have paid and will continue to pay any taxes due on everything I earned while a U.S. citizen."

Elin Nordegren
Who cares about Mark Zuckerberg and pals when Tiger Woods’ ex-wife has told her friends she’s looking for a stable relationship. This is the shit that makes the world go round, Yahoo! readers! Anyway, the Norweigan beauty has apparently sent banking scion boy-toy Jamie Dingman packing and is looking for someone who can be a proper step-dad to her two kids. Meanwhile, her ex was just named the most powerful athlete in the world, which can’t make her feel any better on those long, lonely nights curled up in a mansion with her massive fortune.

Tebow Cease and Desist
The intrepid Yahoo! users who are searching out news on virginal Tim Tebow’s cease-and-desist lawsuit must be wondering why the Jesus-loving football star can’t turn the other cheek. You see, a company called Cubby Tees is making knock-off New York Jets shirts that turn the Jets logo into something that says “My Jesus,” not too different from those Coca-Cola rip-offs that say “Cocaine” and things of that nature. But because Tebow is the Jet most closely associated with the guy upstairs, he’s pissed! In a letter, his lawyers wrote, “"The Merchandise makes it appear as if Mr. Tebow actually endorses Cubby Tees and its products.”

#IReallyWantTo
Oh, Twitter. Even when there’s news happening and the world is changing, sometimes you just like to sit there and play with your bellybutton lint, don’t you? Today on the site, the phrase “I Really Want To” is trending, so people are posting their hearts’ desires. It’s awful.

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Your Daily Guide to Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Deb Fischer

Normally TV-obsessed Google has a nose for news this morning, with Nebraska’s unexpected candidate for Senate topping the list of most-searched words. Deb Fischer, who shot from next to nowhere to defeat trounced Nebraska’s Attorney General and State Treasurer in their primary, despite spending next to nothing (or at least the political version), and will go on to face former Senator Bob Kerrey, supposedly widely disliked in Nebraska after leaving for a decade on the East Coast, in the election. Nebraska, who knew!

Solar Eclipse

Something else taking up brain space for Google readers—who, in fairness, are also still reading about America’s Got Talent—is the solar eclipse coming to most of the U.S.A. May 20. The East Coast won’t have a chance to see the sun slip behind the moon and give it what for, but the rest of the country should have no problem checking out the first such eclipse of the century. Real science geeks can tune into NASA’s website, among the first to come up in a “solar eclipse” search, for nerdier details.

Rachel Uchitel

Yahoo! is nowhere near as brainy as Google today. The most-searched term at the ‘hoo! is “Rachel Uchitel,” the former Tiger Woods ladypal—you might remember her making millions to keep her lip buttoned about their hijinks—who popped out a kid Tuesday night. “Contractions are starting to kick in,” she tweeted yesterday before dropping a seven-pound little girl. No worries, golf stars: The dad is Uchitel’s husband, Matt Hahn.

Zodiac Killer

Lyndon Lafferty, a former California Highway Patrol Officer, has published a book that allegedly identifies the Zodiac Killer, the infamous serial killer who plagued the San Francisco area in the 1960s. While the book doesn’t name the killer by name, Lafferty asserts that the man who killed at least five people is now a 91-year-old California resident who was motivated by alcoholism and a rage over his wife’s infidelities to kill. And while it might sound flimsy to the casual Internet searcher (or the police, who have closed the case), when Lafferty showed his suspect’s image to the sister of one of the Zodiac’s victims, she reportedly said, “It’s him."

#womencantresist

Behind “I Hate My Face,” a trending topic for compliment seekers and body dysmorphics, this hashtag is Twitter’s favorite morning topic. Surprisingly, however, not all women on the social network are in agreement about what they want and are unable to resist. Is this not something they all agreed upon beforehand?!

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How to Get on Forbes’ List of the Highest-Paid Men in Entertainment

Forbes released their list of the highest-paid men in entertainment, and in a shocking turn of events, Frank Stallone has assumed the top spot. We’re just kidding, of course, but the list only goes to ten and we assume he is number eleven. The rankings use estimated earnings between May 2010 and May 2011, and some of the entrants will surprise you.

Forbes lists can be infuriating reads in times of economic strife, but instead of enviously glaring at it, try to learn from the list. In the spirit of the getAbstract business books summarized in the SkyMall catalog, we present short tips on what you can glean from these mega-wealthy men of entertainment, and how to emulate them. See you on next year’s list!

Tiger Woods – $75 million ● Become the best golfer in the world. ● Sign various sponsorship deals worth hundreds of millions of dollars. ● Cheat on your wife and have lots of ambien-induced sex with porn stars. ● Become relatively bad at golf. ● Lose many of your sponsorships, but retain enough to stay on the Forbes list.

Howard Stern – $76 million ● Convince millions of people to listen to you every morning. ● Convince millions of people to pay to continue to listen to you every morning.

Leonardo DiCaprio – $77 million ● Learn how to speak with a Boston accent. ● Practice using it in The Departed. ● Use it again in Shutter Island. ● Don’t use it in Inception. ● Receive adulation and praise for your versatility.

Dr. Phil – $80 million ● Become friends with Oprah. ● That’s pretty much it.

James Patterson – $84 million ● Think of a story idea that a shut-in would describe as “thrilling.” ● Find a co-author or co-authors to help think of exciting adverbs. ● Remember to end chapters with your main character about to open a door.

Simon Cowell – $90 million ● Leave a lucrative singing contest on Fox. ● Start a new singing contest on Fox.

Elton John – $100 million ● Learn the piano. ● Get knighted. ● Buy an English-Swahili dictionary. ● Highlight “hakuna matata.” ● Have no worries.

Steven Spielberg – $107 million ● Produce Harry and the Hendersons. ● Just keep on milking that cash cow.

Jerry Bruckheimer – $113 million ● Open a map. ● Find different locations for CSI shows. ● Hire Justin Bieber to play a terrorist.

Tyler Perry – $130 million ● Dress in drag. ● Make vague allusions to the Bible. ● Become friends with Oprah.

Afternoon Links: Whoopi Lashes Out at the Times, Tiger Woods Spits Up

● The new Spider-Man movie, starring Andrew Garfield, has itself a cocky new title: The Amazing Spider-Man. [/Film] ● Whoopi Goldberg is hurt and confused after the New York Times omitted her name from an article about the white-washing of this year’s Oscar nominees. It’s how I felt when my name was left off a recent Times expose about slightly overweight, sexually immature bloggers. [TMZ] ● Last night’s Grammy’s telecast got its best rating in ten years, meaning everyone got to see Rihanna’s backup dancers for the despicable cowards they truly are. [HuffPo]

● Tiger Woods got some heat when he was caught spitting on the golf course at the Dubai Desert Classic golf tournament, proving that not even he can avoid controversy. [VF] ● Watch Aziz Ansari demonstrate his flawless storytelling skills with this very entertaining story about an New Year’s Eve encounter with Jay-Z. [Gawker.TV] ● Anna Wintour gets her own elevator at the Plaza hotel, while other guests are forced to wait like the non-Vogue Editor-in-Chiefs that they are. [NY Times]

Afternoon Links: Gwyneth Paltrow Sings at Oscars, Tiger Woods’ New Bachelor Pad

● The Academy announced the musical performers at this year’s ceremony. Among them are: Florence and the Machine, Mandy Moore, A. R. Rahman, and Gwyneth Paltrow, who’ll do just about anything to get back on that stage. [The Academy/Twitter] ● Here is a picture of someone who appears to be Andrew Garfield, in what appears to be a Spider-Man costume, getting what appears to be a blow job. [Pop Sugar] ● Zac Efron “left a party” with Australian actress actress/beauty Teresa Palmer, which is gossip-speak for “went home and traded Nazi playing cards.” [MovieLine]

● Bruno Mars told a Las Vegas judge that he will plead guilty to cocaine possession, meaning if he avoids trouble for one year, the charge will be dismissed and he’ll go back to not being a badass [HuffPo] ● Tiger Woods’ 4 1/2 years in-the-making home is almost ready. The unexpected bachelor pad has a 100 ft.-long swimming pool, tennis and basketball courts, a massive fitness center, and of course, 7,981 fuck rooms. [People] ● And finally, in case you missed it, here’s Howard Stern’s heroic appearance on David Letterman last night, in which, among other things, he refers to Jay Leno as a “horrible person.” [YouTube]

Dear Rachel Uchitel: Thank You for Lying

Way back in the medieval dinosaur days of June 2008, BlackBook started an innocent interview series focused on personalities in the nightlife, dining, and hospitality industries called “Industry Insiders.” By way of (at the time) purely coincidental circumstances, the first person we interviewed was a VIP hostess named Rachel Uchitel. Perhaps you’ve heard of her?

I certainly didn’t think much of the interview at the time. Other than servicing rich folks and celebs in New York and Vegas, Uchitel’s main interesting backstory was her status as a 9/11 widow. That gave her a certain counter-intuitive gravitas, if only in the mind of the observer (Uchitel herself was past talking about it much). Her Q&A was fair to middling and generated mild traffic at best.

What a difference a sexually indiscreet year makes! In late 2009, Uchitel became the central Other Woman in the Tiger Woods scandal d’amour. Since we have decent SEO and Uchitel has an unusual name, our otherwise blah profile of her was, for several days, the top Google result for interested searchers. The sudden surge in traffic broke our server into tiny, squealing pieces. After applying forty rolls of virtual duct tape, we managed to get everything back online again. And while other media outlets hounded us for comment and perspective on a woman we seemed to know more about than anyone (we didn’t), I remembered that I still had Uchitel’s email address and cellphone number.

Home for the Thanksgiving holidays, I left her a message, largely as a goof. I had zero faith she would even remember our conversation, much less respond. Instead she emailed immediately, asking me to call her back in ten minutes. Thus we managed to run the first actual quotes from Uchitel since the scandal broke.

I talked to her for about half an hour. She had not yet lawyered up, but had obviously been schooled a little about what she could and should say. In sum she denied everything, while slagging the various girls who were ratting her out about the affair with Woods. She encouraged me — mysteriously, without really saying anything specific — to check into their sordid backgrounds, to question their motivations for selling their stories, and so on. Afterward, she emailed trying to get me to take down the original story: “a pr girl in vegas wrote all that for me and ow it just looks bad take out of context [sic all]”. I said, hells no (watching our rising site analytics with my other eyeball). Poor Vegas PR ghostwriter girl. Then Uchitel wanted to change the coquettish picture from the original post to a (slightly?) more wholesome image of her sitting on steps with dogs: “can u change that picture at least in the new article.. that is a more scandalous pic that the one of me and the dogs … stick with the dogs one . that one looks like the part they are trying to pin me as.”

I didn’t believe her at all. I suspected she had in fact slept with Woods, and her ex-friends were indeed selling the scandal, though it probably wasn’t quite as juicy as the scandal-sellers would have their buyers believe. The choice details of uncontrollable sexting and flaunting her Woodsian prospects to one and all seemed a bit crazy. But people having sex with celebrities sometimes do crazy things.

Regardless, here we are now, and Uchitel has a bit part in the fourth season of a reality show that’s pretty far down the ass-end of even that disreputable scale. She’s certainly making bank off her notoriety (she’s on the “rehab” show as a “love addict,” which apparently hasn’t yet made it into the DSM). So it doesn’t look like she’s particularly interested in distancing herself from the spotlight, or her tawdry place in it.

More to the point, last month Uchitel “broke her silence” about the Tiger Woods affair in an interview with the Daily Mail. Widely characterized as Uchitel’s moment of finally copping to the romp and related silence-buying financial settlement, in strictest technical terms, it is neither of those things. None of Uchitel’s quotes actually have her admitting to the affair or the payoff; the closest she comes is voicing regret about an affair with a married man. “That could be an affair with any married man!” argues Uchitel’s lawyer in my head, defending his client from Woods’ lawyers in my head, since the latter would naturally want their hush money back if Uchitel actually admitted to anything in public.

But it would be beyond naive to doubt the affair now, or the money Woods paid for an extremely abstract level of plausible public deniability. Let’s just come out and say it, shall we? Rachel Uchitel slept with Tiger Woods while he was married. Then she lied about doing so, to me and everybody else. Then she got paid to be very slightly quiet about only the very central point of what is, by now, the obvious truth to everyone.

And I just want to say to Rachel — thank you very much for lying. You played your part expertly and much more methodically than Tiger’s other paramours. You get to have it both ways! Woods paid you very, very handsomely to keep “quiet” about something that’s openly acknowledged worldwide, and you can leverage that for TV parts and god knows what other opportunities. Furthermore, I can point out your lies, and Tiger Woods’ lies, by omission or otherwise, secure in the knowledge that both of you have a vested interest in grinning and taking it. Because if you challenge anyone who calls you out for lying, you jeopardize your financially constructed alternate reality bubbles.

So please don’t think I take umbrage at your lies. Quite the contrary! In addition to the generous traffic bumps your story provided, it’s a relief when a source brazenly lies to your face, because then you don’t feel at all bad about mocking their previously private communications. In other words, once you bullshit me, all bets are off (and on the record). And I absolutely don’t endorse the frothing horde of judgmental prudes and golf fans who wanted to torch you for being a whore or other such 18th-century peasant clamoring. After all, one of the other interesting pieces of content I … happened across during all this is a stash of topless photos of Uchitel, and I ain’t running those.

Anyways, I can’t imagine any of this will much trouble Uchitel, as she can always stop up her ears with wads of Tiger Woods’ money. Perhaps Celebrity Rehab can also help her get over her addiction to fibbing.

Links: Mel Gibson’s Comeback Coming, Justin Bieber Hit a Homophobic Kid

● Mel Gibson will appear briefly as a tattoo artist in The Hangover 2, serving essentially the same purpose as Mike Tyson in the first film. That is, both are America’s favorite substance-abusing criminals with a lovable misogynist streak. [Page Six] ● Tiger Woods’ divorce settlement to ex-wife Elin Nordegren is now being reported as $110 million, which will now be known as the Price of Shame. [Radar] ● Carey Mulligan and Shia LaBeouf’s relationship has definitely passed its sell-by date, and is at that point where you’re like, “Wait, is this milk good or not?” Don’t drink the milk, Carey. [Page Six]

● Justin Bieber’s aforementioned laser tag freak-out on a 12-year-old may have been caused by the supposed victim’s filthy, homophobic mouth, in which case, good on Bieber. [TMZ] ● As a part of her recovery, Lindsay Lohan has agreed to fire her mother Dina as her manager. It’s just not working out. [Radar] ● A pregnant Celine Dion was rushed to the hospital to prevent an early birth for her coming twins, who, like so many, just can’t wait to hear their mother’s voice. [HuffPo]

Links: Kourtney & Kim Kardashian Coming to The City, Britney Spears Gets a Neck Tattoo

● Reality show pros Kim and Kourtney Kardashian, of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and that one in Miami, are coming to New York City to shop and date for cameras. Sister Khloe was like, “Enough is enough,” or just got left out. [Page Six] ● The Social Network took home $23 million its opening weekend, more than enough to earn first place at the box office, but for Mark Zuckerberg, it’s like a bellboy tip. [Vulture] ● BREAKING: Courtney Love tweets a naked photo. [HuffPo]

● When Mike Tyson tattooed his face, everyone was like, “Oh no, that’s it,” but then later he was funny in The Hangover. Maybe Britney Spears’ new neck tattoos are like that. [Just Jared] ● Tiger Woods’ brother says their father would be disappointed in his son’s behavior. Tiger Woods’ brother just wants to be in magazines, too. [People] ● Miley Cyrus, 17, attended a 21-and-up club in Hollywood, finally. [US]

Why Don’t We Care About the David Beckham Sex Scandal?

Meet Irma Nici. She’s the woman who claims to have had sex with David Beckham — count it — five times! Her story must be air-tight because In Touch Weekly is willing to risk a serious beatdown from Beckham’s legal team for publishing it. That’s right, Beckham is fighting back. But unlike the Tiger Woods sex scandal that gripped the universe less than a year ago, causing the most titanic downfall since Berlin circa April 1945, the allegations against Beckham haven’t exactly penetrated the national consciousness. Why is that?

Well, for one thing, this didn’t kick off with a suspicious fender-bender in the middle of the night. This sex scandal is following the Jesse James model: Random babe makes salacious claims and offers lurid details to local gossip rag. In this case, said babe is the aforementioned Nici, a former high-priced escort. The details include threesomes (which have since been backed-up by two other women), a $10,000-a-night fee, some foreplay, and “nothing freaky.” That’s her first problem right there. Tiger Woods was “everything freaky.” That means that Nici is either telling the truth, is lying and lacks imagination, or that she’s so freaky that nothing is actually freaky to her anymore.

According to her brand new website, she wants to “come clean about her past and tell her story – her way.” Her story includes being “one of the top girls for Manhattan Madam, Kristin Davis,” who’s the same madam that provided Elliot Spitzer with his ladies, and one of the women backing up Nici’s story. There’s not much else on the website, other than this message: “Sorry we are currently having issues with our system. If your (sic) a media outlet and interested in purchasing Irma’s photos please email us at contact@irmanici.com.” Nici’s fatal mistake is failing to realize that real mistresses don’t sell their photos to other media outlets. They have them taken by Mark Seliger for Vanity Fair.

Another reason this story hasn’t gained the traction that Nici might have hoped for is that David Beckham plays soccer. Americans don’t care about the sex lives of athletes who play sports they don’t watch. If Nici wanted to secure herself a spot on Celebrity Rehab, she’d have been better off saying she banged an Andy Pettite or an Eli Manning. Athletes that people actually invest in. It doesn’t matter how famous David Beckham is: if you can’t root for him, then you can’t root against him, either.

Or maybe we’re just experiencing a case of sex-scandal fatigue. Ashton Kutcher is allegedly cheating on Demi Moore, but do we even care? Nope. The Tiger Woods Affair(s) has simply wiped us out. Nothing will come ever come close to that again, so what’s the point?

Anyway, we hope things work out for Nici. We feel bad, because it’s poor timing on her part. She claims this all went down in 2007. If she had come forward then, in a pre-Tiger world, things might have been different. And it’s a shame, because she seems nice, and there’s nothing wrong with chasing a little fame. It’s the new American Dream. We hope this article helps.