Just Fielded My Very First Jehovah’s Witness House Call

For years I thought I must have brought a menacing spiritual aura to the places in which I lived—some sign that the irretrievably condemned dwelt within—for at no point had any proselytizer approached my home’s threshold to inform me of the one true faith. But all that changed this morning. Apparently Jehovah believes I can be saved! By reading newsletters.

A pleasant older man in a tie and his silent niece in braces caught sight of me through the kitchen window, so I had to answer the door. I listened to some rambling about the flawed education system (the one from which I guess this niece had been removed to spend the day learning her uncle’s trade). It’s unclear whether he noticed I was wearing a Collegiate sweatshirt. He said, “I don’t know if you have any children,” which might have offended me if I hadn’t been busy trying to get my dogs to stop barking at him.

Anyway, got my copy of The Watchtower and something called Awake!, and you know, without even opening them, I think I’m convinced. Being awake is definitely the way to go through life, for one. The Watchtower has the headline “Corruption: Will it ever end?” with a picture of some shady business dudes exchanging like four hundred dollars in front of a construction site. I had no idea embezzlement paid so poorly! And that therefore god exists. Truly, I’ve learned a lot today.

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