Jimmy Fallon Locks Down Leno Spot

The death of late-night talk-show television has been so slow, so painful, so very unfunny. Honestly it’s flabbergasting that David Letterman didn’t successfully sarcastify the genre into its grave twenty years ago—though god knows he has tried. But are we closer now to the sweet embrace of the pop-cultural crypt? 

Jimmy Fallon inking a deal to definitely, probably, eventually replace Jay Leno in NBC’s 11:35 PM slot, with Seth Meyers seen as the front-runner for Fallon’s current job, is a move in the right direction: just dump old “Weekend Update” anchors behind some fancier desks and have them participate in a terrible Harlem Shake type meme every now and then. Voilà! Instant non-entertainment.

Honestly I just feel bad for whoever ends up on this career track, it seems like a waking hell, and for what? So bloggers like me can make fun of you without ever bothering to watch your monologue? I think every comedian alive must have missed the point of The Larry Sanders Show. Get a new format, funnymen (and funnywomen, if and when you’re allowed a say in the matter). 

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Anne Hathaway’s Likability Keeps Slipping

Oh, Anne Hathaway. I really liked Anne Hathaway. People disagreed with me, and I would say, "No, no, she is excellent! She’s a good actress and she seems like a normal human." And then Les Misérables happened, and she started getting awards—all of the awards—and then I was like, "Hmm, Anne Hathaway? Maybe try not to seem like an asshole? Like, don’t say ‘blerg’ when you receive a Golden Globe because we all know you knew you were going to win?" Then she kept coming to other award shows and being like, "I AM ANNE HATHAWAY!" with her face and all, and man, it really got exhausting. So then last night she went on The Tonight Show and lamented that her fans booed her at the BAFTA awards because she was rushing through the red carpet but it wasn’t her fault because her dress broke and then she had to get a new one and be sewn into it and it’s all like, hey, Anne Hathaway, just stop talking, you are only making people not like you more. I’m looking out for you, but we’re on reeeeeally thin ice right now, OK?

[via Us Weekly]

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The Devastating True Cost of Howie Mandel

Life-sized penis Howie Mandel, a judge on America’s Got Talent, was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Both those guys suck yet it is Howie Mandel who is more worthy of opprobrium. For what has Howie Mandel ever done to justify his existence? Jay Leno, at least, collects cars. Howie Mandel is simply a professional soul-patched fedora-wearing mouth-breathing shrimp-eating germaphobic baby.

Howie Mandel was on air for approximately 6 minutes last night. Now there’s approximately 4 million viewers of The Tonight Show which means that’s 400,000 man hours wasted which, at $59 GDP (PPP) per hour worked, equals, $2,360,000. So Howie has to answer for that. 

The only possible counter argument here is that Howie Mandel was the voice of Gizmo.

Below, waste another $9.83 cents watching Mandel tap Jay Leno on his nose. It’s an alternative to his silly proclivity for first-bumping.