Kate Middleton Wore a Bikini Outside of Her Home, Palace Surprised Someone Photographed Her

Look, it’s hard to write even a paragraph when you’ve basically covered all of the important stuff in a headline, but let’s reiterate the nonsense here, shall we? Catherine Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge (and nicknamed Kate with a K, for some goddamn reason), is pregnant. She is also very famous, so, naturally, people are really into seeing pictures of her, especially in her current delicate state. So when Kate went on vacation holiday on a private island in the Caribbean, someone with a camera, whose job is to take pictures of famous people like Kate Middleton for regular folk to look at, took her picture while she was in a bathing suit. And now officials at Buckingham Palace are pissed off, because they forgot how often this sort of thing happens. 

[via USA Today]

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How Can We Make The Royal Baby Story More Interesting?

So the biggest news story yesterday—and what, much to Tyler Coates’s dismay—will be one of the biggest news stories of the next year or so, was the announcement that Prince William and Princess Catherine are expecting a new little prince or princess to join the crazy sideshow of crazy that is the British Royal Family. With the announcement of the new little human tourist attraction will eventually come extensive media coverage that will all ultimately be pretty boring. Here, we have some suggestions for how to make the Royal Baby narrative just a bit more interesting:

* Secret underground lair of paparazzi specifically gearing up to snap those baby photos as soon as possible and effectively hound the royal family into nonexistence uncovered.

* Pippa Middleton, somewhat irked that her sister is getting so much attention basically for just doing her job, decides to focus her energy into studying foreign and economic policy. Luckily, she is a quick study and after just a few strategy sessions with international diplomats, Pippa Middleton almost singlehandedly stabilizes the Eurozone and preventing further economic turmoil. She becomes TIME Person of the Year and calls her sister when she gets the news to say, "You’ve just been PIPPA’d!" She also starts dating a member of One Direction, just because she can.

* Prince Harry, somewhat irked that his brother is getting so much attention basically for just doing his job and inspired by a movie he just saw for the first time, hatches a plan to seize the throne involving staging a wildebeest stampede, destroying his older brother and exiling his offspring from the Pridelands. 

* Newsweek releases another tacky Photoshopped cover of Princess Diana returning from beyond the graaaaaave. (Of course now, it’ll be a digital cover.

* The Royal Birth becomes a live, televised event that Kate and Wills-obsessed Yanks wake up at stupid o’clock to watch, mimosas in hand. The event is topped off with an exuberant concert at Wembley Stadium, during which the newborn is parachuted in by RAF helicopter, being held by Special Guest Star Idris Elba.

* Wills and Kate’s child eventually grows up and marries Mason Disick, officially making Scott Disick an earl or a duke or a viscount or something. This would be particularly fitting, considering that the Kardashians are kind of the closest thing America has to a royal family—they’re insanely wealthy, disproportionately influential and despite not being particularly interesting, we somehow maintain a national interest in them.

* Based on his prior service to Queen and country, Sean Bean becomes named official protector of the Royal Baby. Somehow, he is killed almost immediately via freak accident in the line of duty.

It’s Really A Slow News Day When The Biggest Story Is That A Famous Lady Is Pregnant

How does one classify the news of Kate Middleton’s recently announced pregnancy? Well, it’s not really "politics," as she has very little to do with that. And it’s not really "health and beauty," either, because putting the news of a famous lady’s fetus seems, I dunno, kinda weird next to stories about having a nervous breakdown in public and how 5 Hour Energy will probably cause a "spontaneous abortion." (The latter would certainly be in bad taste next to Princess Kate’s pregnancy news.) Of course, Google News, the aggregate of all breaking news alerts that I tend to look at, has it figured out. It’s entertainment.

Sure, what else is royalty good for these days? As one brilliant Twitter user pointed out, Princess Kate has fulfilled her duty of getting knocked up so that we can all watch eagerly as photographers follow her around, taking shots of her ever-growing belly, all in the name of the patriarchal system of the monarchy that only serves as a reason for people to flock to London to look at the place where the queen lives. So, good job, Google News, for at least being honest about how worthless this news really is:

google news

I mean, really, people. Two famous people had sex and made another soon-to-be famous person. We should all be so proud. 

Also, I think it’s obvious that I’m tagging this one as "Fashion."

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RIP Monty, One Of Queen Elizabeth’s Last Corgis

Monty, one of Queen Elizabeth’s oldest and most-loved dogs, has died. And yet millions of ungrateful cats live on.

Monty, who lived to the age of 13 (that is, a ripe old 91), spent his days bounding around Buckingham Palace and the monarchy’s considerable estate with his fellow corgis, Willow and Holly, and even humbly consorted with non-purebred mixes like Candy and Vulcan, who are half-dachshund. He did once engage in a scuffle with Max, Princess Beatrice’s terrier, but was likely just defending his favorite couch.

Monty, descended from Susan, an 18th birthday present, will be greatly mourned even after his burial at the royal pet cemetery in Balmoral. Her majesty has continuously bred corgis from Susan up till 2009, when she stopped for fear any new dogs would outlive her. By my rough math, I would guess she has seen at least 20 corgis die in her long life and is almost certainly followed around by their happily yapping ghosts.

In any case: godspeed, you short-legged scamp.  

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