The ‘Human Centipede’ Pipe You Didn’t Ask For

There must be said for the artistic abilities of the druggy set: they certainly have some brilliant ideas. And then there’s this one, which is "brilliant" if you’re Dutch and into pooping in someone’s mouth and filmining it in a sadistic torture-porn kinda way. Yes, Tom Six’s sadistic, modern horror classic The Human Centipede has inspired, of all things, a lovely little device with which to get fucked up. 

It was created by some anonymous artist (so weird that he wouldn’t want the credit for this one!), and the detail is impressive, I suppose, although I haven’t watched the film because I’m not really into forced rim jobs. And maybe my knowledge of drug paraphernalia is limited, but… this looks like the sort of thing someone would smoke meth out of? I guess? I’m saying that not because of the construction but because the situation in which one would smoke out of a Human Centipede-inspired pipe would also require, like, HITTING ROCK BOTTOM.

Check out more views of the pipe below:

Morning Links: Lada Gaga Bares All, Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ Jacket Up For Auction

● Lady Gaga wore almost nothing to pick up her CFDA Fashion Icon award last night, and she wore even less when she went out to celebrate after. Said Anna Wintour, “How lovely.” [DailyMail] ● Although they are not yet dating, Jessica Biel and Gerard Butler look great together on the back of a motorcycle. [People] ● Salt 2 is a thing, and once again, Angelina will be a part of it. Director Phillip Noyce, however, will not. Presumably, someone, somewhere, is excited. [The Deadline]

● Michael Jackson’s iconic red-leather “Thriller” jacket is up for auction and is expected to go for at least $200,000. [AP] ● Love Affair, which was supposed to be out today, got knocked back to earlier this year. Then, The-Dream announced yesterday that The Love, IV (Diary of a Mad Man) should be out by his birthday, September 20, easing just slightly the pain of another new day without new Dream. [Complex] ● One The Human Centipede was enough for England, and so they have essentially banned the sequel from their shores, believing that it “poses a real, as opposed to a fanciful, risk that harm is likely to be caused to potential viewers.” [Guardian]

The Human Centipede Is Out on DVD This Week, But Don’t You Have Laundry to Do?

I don’t think it’s going too far to say that, as a human with a functioning cerebellum and some degree of interaction with others of your species, you almost certainly have something better to do than to watch The Human Centipede. Tom Six’s notorious movie isn’t exactly a waste of your time, in the way an ordinary bad film would be – it’s more like a dire, head-shaking misuse of your time. Of which you only have a certain amount left, right? Shouldn’t you be picky? Isn’t there a house project you’ve been putting off, a Jonathan Lethem book you’ve been meaning to crack? Let’s not dwell on what the film’s about, because you know already – mad scientist, mouth-to-ass graft surgery, compelled coprophagia, supreme ickiness. In fact, the scenario is so goddamn gross that the movie itself doesn’t need to show very much (as torture porn bouts go, it’s very mild). All it needs to do is put the idea in your head. In a sense, once you’ve read a review you’ve kind of already seen the film. But if you choose to watch it, as I had to, your brain will likely begin roving uncomfortably around for other things to contemplate. Here’s what I was thinking.

1. Frankly, I didn’t expect this to take place in Germany. Norway maybe, or Belgium, but not Germany. Japan, sure. Aren’t the Germans supposed to still be guilty and haunted by Nazi torture surgery and stuff? But wait, wasn’t that 2002 cannibal murder case—where some guy answered an ad on the Internet and volunteered himself to be killed, dissected, and eaten—German? Insofar as both men satisfied their respective fantasies, it seems to have been a victimless crime. But eating the body took 18 months, and the survivor of these two winners was caught only because he frequented what’s called, no kidding, a “cannibalism chatroom.” Of course, there’s a new movie coming out about it, Grimm Love, starring Keri Russell.

2. Wait, director Tom Six is Dutch. Now it’s all clear.

3. These poor actresses. They’re perfectly lovely – is this the best they could do? Hopefully they’ve gotten new agents by now.

4. Ah, the dumb American theme again. Two girls who don’t speak German driving through the German wilderness in high heels and short skirts, right near the mad scientist’s house. If only they knew how to change a tire. Note to me: teach daughter to change a tire.

5. Whose house is that? Will people who rented it see the film? Do they have kids? Will the kids see the film? Will they play volleyball on the front lawn now, after the “Feed her!” scene?

6. That scientist looks like a cross between Lance Henriksen and a praying mantis.

7. I love horror movies because you can almost always find a raw and anxious subtext underneath the mayhem. Hell, even Hostel made a larger statement about American privilege and capitalism. But I can’t find a subtext here. I’m trying. Maybe it’s Nazis after all – the guy is making them lick his stormtrooper boots. Did the Nazis have interest in gastrointestinal tract hyperextension?

8. How much of this broad genre of movie is just rubbernecking? That’s why people – teenage boys mostly – buy tickets.

9. What in the name of God could Six do after this? His career may as well be over. Hard to pick up episodic TV work or mainstream projects when your reel is made mostly of actors stitched to each others’ anuses.

10. Oh wait, there’s a sequel due next year. Woo-hoo.

Roger Ebert Refuses to Rate ‘The Human Centipede’

Roger Ebert has long been one of the fairest and, in his own way, most open-minded of the professional movie critics. Rather than rate films on a single sliding scale, Ebert evaluates by genre. That is to say, he asks the question: “Is a film true to its genre and does it deliver what its audiences presumably expect?” By this method, a dumb action movie might receive a higher rating than an intense drama if the dumb action movie was better at being a dumb action movie than the intense drama was at being an intense drama, even though, as Ebert might acknowledge, intense dramas are a more admirable type of film overall. It’s an intelligent, malleable way of assessing film quality. Well, the system seems to have broken down, because Ebert has refused to rate the upcoming horror film The Human Centipede.

In case you aren’t on top of your revolting horror film news, The Human Centipede concerns a mad German doctor who fiendishly traps several lost tourists in his mansion and then surgically connects them, mouth to anus, to create the titular human centipede. The trailer only hints at just what gruesome “heights” the film apparently reaches.

Ebert found it to be so shocking, so revolting, so off-putting in the earnestness with which it carries out its horrific premise, that he simply could not assess it within the star system. He writes: “I am required to award stars to movies I review. This time, I refuse to do it. The star rating system is unsuited to this film. Is the movie good? Is it bad? Does it matter? It is what it is and occupies a world where the stars don’t shine.”

Some might take issue with Ebert’s refusal to rate the film. After all, it is the movie critic’s duty to experience, assess, evaluate, and eventually rate films, no matter how personally horrified he or she may be with either the goals of any particular film or the finished product. Sure, written analysis is the meat of film criticism, but the basic service the critic provides, for much of his or her public, is the rating itself. What a sham—what a dodge!—to refuse to provide a rating.

Or is it? Though Ebert has been vocal about his desire to retain equanimity when rating movies, he has also often appealed to the reality that a critic is, at the end of the day, despite all efforts, still a man or a woman who has biases, predispositions, and prejudices, and that, to be truly honest, the critic must cop to his or her own lack of objectivity. As legendary critic Robert Warshow once commented: “A man goes to the movies. The critic must be honest enough to admit that he is that man.”

Perhaps all you need to know about The Human Centipede is that one of America’s most honest critics refused to rate it. In the meantime, check out our Parent’s Guide to watching said revolting film here.

The Parents’ Viewing Guide to ‘The Human Centipede’

Should you allow your child to watch The Human Centipede? It’s hard for parents to know what movies are appropriate for young people, since so many movies come out in the theater and on the video or the cable. From the title of this movie, you might expect a family-friendly superhero romp like Toy Story or Veggie Tales, or maybe something about nature. But The Human Centipede is actually about a misguided doctor who makes a "centipede" out of three people by stitching their mouth parts to their bottoms, then connecting their digestive tracts with a tube. And like most medical procedures, this one is totally unnecessary. So should your little ones see this movie? The purpose of our Parents’ Viewing Guide is not to make this choice for you, but rather to help you make an informed decision for yourself. Our rating system runs from one to five Smileys across several categories of concern for adults, with five Smileys being the best (and the most smiles!). Read on for our detailed advice.

First, take a look at the trailer for The Human Centipede to get a feel for what the movie’s about. Then see our ratings below. Watch for lots of "spoilers"!

SEX & NUDITY: 5. There is almost no sex or nudity in this movie. The young ladies are damp from the rain early on, which makes their outfits clingy and a little see-through, but not explicitly whorish. Once the biological experiments begin, their various naughty parts are out of frame or covered by bandages. The potential to see uncovered buttocks is thankfully removed due to the characters’ faces being surgically attached to those buttocks, thus obscuring them. At no point does anything approaching sexual intercourse occur in The Human Centipede, though the doctor sometimes appears aroused by his creation’s funny antics.

VIOLENCE & GORE: 2. There is unfortunately a fair amount of blood and some unpleasant visuals. People have their teeth and lips removed, incisions are made in trembling flesh, needles are jabbed, stitches are roughly woven into skin and tissue, tubes are inserted into mouths and wound out of rectae and back into mouths and so on. But these acts take place in a laboratory setting and can be explained to children as primarily educational, as long as any discussion of evolution or natural selection is conscientiously avoided. Unfortunately, there is a fight scene at the end between the doctor and the Human Centipede that involves non-educational stabbing, which results in the deduction of three Smileys. The real scene to watch out for is the death of the first third of the Human Centipede, which may sadden some children — like when Bambi’s mother is killed or Old Yeller has to be taken out to the fields and put out of his misery. Explain to your child that the first third of the Human Centipede is with Jesus now.

 

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PROFANITY: 5. There is definitely profanity in The Human Centipede but it is all spoken in non-American languages. Make sure you have subtitles turned off (a wise move for any foreign movie) and your child will not experience any strong language problems. You can even make a game of it with your child, creating your own story about the lonely old doctor and his new friends. Why are they shouting? They must be excited for snacks and Bible camp!

SCIENCE: 1. Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of this movie is its heavy reliance on science as a plot device. Your child may have many questions about why people do science, and why science might be involved in sewing someone’s mouth to another person’s anus. This is a natural part of growing up, and it also serves as a great opportunity to discourage your children from trusting science or believing what scientists say. Though the doctor in The Human Centipede isn’t really trying to play God with this specific experiment, of course most any experiment involves calling God a liar. Make sure your child understands that the doctor himself is as much a victim of science as the people he imprisons and horribly mutilates. He really doesn’t know any better.

GAYS: 5. No homosexuals here! Though one might think it strange that the doctor lives alone as a bachelor, there is never any suggestion that he has any gay inclinations, and his obsession with anuses appears to be entirely professional.

FOREIGNERS: 1. As one would expect with a non-American movie, there are no visible Americans in this movie at all. Normally one can get by with American-style foreigners like Russell Crowe or Hugh Grant or Hugh Jackman or Robert Downey Junior, who all speak American pretty well. But this is what happens when you import movies into our country from places where they don’t yet understand our way of life. Other than the languages — which actually helps, as noted above — there are at least no foreign ideas discussed, like socialism or public health care.

JESUS CHRIST: 1. We’re sorry to report that our Savior’s only presence in this movie occurs when His name is taken in vain during screams of agony. Depending on your church you may be able to explain to your child that what seems like mortal terror is really orgiastic witnessing in the name of the Lord. But mainly, just be sure to keep the focus firmly on the visuals offered by The Human Centipede, and your child will probably not even remember the dialogue.

So to sum up:

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