Hockey About To Get Totally Gay

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Rumors are percolating that Josh Gorges, a 28-year-old defenseman who plays for the National Hockey League’s Montreal Canadiens, will officially come out this week. (If you weren’t actually planning on that, sorry Josh!) It would be the first such gesture by a player on a professional sports team that is actually on TV now and then.

But holy shit—hockey is going to be the first sport with an openly gay star? This is making you look really bad, soccer. And baseball may only come to grips with homosexuality once Mike Piazza is inducted into the Hall of Fame and dies. Actually, could it be he’s being kept out of Cooperstown because he won’t be honest about himself? Very shrewd, MLB.

However this shakes out, though, it’s worth noting that it really doesn’t matter one way or the other what guys like Gorges do—some athletes are gay and that’s that. You know that big iconic trophy for that annual championship you care about? Gay people have touched it. Hell, gay people have probably mixed cocktails in it. Did you know that when you drunkenly slur along to "We Are The Champions," you’re singing with a gay dude? Who is also dead?  

And by the by, if you find the NHL’s progress on the matter too slow, there’s always the Gay Hockey Association. Really!

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eHarmony Founder Looking to Spend $10 Million to Crack the Gay Code

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You know how gay people can’t join eHarmony? Oh, well, I say; we have literally every other dating site (plus a few of our own). But the creators of eHarmony (namely founder Neil Clark Warren, or the seemingly friendly old guy in those commercials) retalliated by creating an LGBT version of eHarmony called Compatible Partners. You see, dudes who like dudes and ladies who like ladies go about everything in a totally different way than normal straight people. Like, for example, gay men just start screwing each other immediately until they get bored after about three weeks, and lesbians pick up U-Hauls on the second date. That’s the kind of thinking, I guess, that is happening at the eHarmony board meetings, and now Warren thinks the company should spend a ton of money to figure out this whole gay business once and for all.

In a video interview with Yahoo Finance web series Off The Cuff (via Beta Beat), Warren goes into detail about what "damaged" his matchmaking company: the same-sex marriage issue. "I’m tired of it," he says. Warren continues, claiming that Christian users were so angry when Compatible Partners was launched (at the behest of the New Jersey attorney general, by the way, who found that eHarmony was discriminating against LGBT users) that the company "literally had to hire guards to protect our lives." (Oh, those Christians! So loving. So compassionate.) 

How can he, the grand master of online dating, fix this problem? Well:

I have said that eHarmony really ought to put up $10 million and ask other companies to put up money and do a really first class job of figuring out homosexuality. At the very best, it’s been a painful way for a lot of people to have to live. But at this point, at this age, I want America to start drawing together. I want it to be more harmonious.

Here’s a suggestion: stop being dicks, for one, and also pull your heads out of your asses and recognize that people who identify as one of the convenient letters that the mainstream press likes to throw around in an effort to be inclusive just want to be included. Because, honestly, people like me have the same desires that straight people have, and the fact that it’s 2013 and I have to type that out for anyone is something that consistently blows my mind. It’s not rocket science! It’s not even math, which is probably why the people who create online dating sites (which match you up based entirely on how one answer questions and curated cultural interests and not because of, say, mutual attraction) have such a hard time seeing it as a fact. 

And while we’re on the subject of eHarmony: the company’s self-reported statistics include claims like the following:

Every day in America, 542 people marry after meeting on eHarmony.com — according to the online dating website. That’s 5 percent of all new U.S. marriages. On average, there’s an eHarmony wedding every 2.65 minutes, the company claims.

How the hell does that work? I mean, really: think about it, folks. Is the point of a dating website—any dating website, from eHarmony to Match.com and OKCupid—to get you out of the singles game and into a long, lasting relationship? Or is the whole point of an online dating website to make money on its users who eventually return to said site to dip their toes back into the dating pool? It seems like a lot of dating sites haven’t figured out straight match-ups, so I don’t think we need to rack our brains too hard when it comes to finding out how to set up two gay guys or—gasp!—someone who falls under the T category. (But I’m pretty sure there aren’t too many people worried about catering to what seems like a small percentage of the population, right?)

But hey, if they wanna pass $10 million my way for a quick consultation on how to treat gay people with respect and tact, they should totally get in touch.

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I Wish I Loved Something as Much as Gay Guys Love Posing in Front of the Berlin Holocaust Memorial

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A couple of days ago, Jezebel posted about fashion blogger Pelayo Diaz, who shared his personal meditation on looking fly while visiting Berlin’s Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe. The monument, spanning over four acres and featuring 2,711 concrete slabs, is a popular tourist spot, even for those rocking Balenciaga and a hot-pink Céline bag. More surprising: the growing number of gay guys who post pictures of themselves at the monument on Grindr. 

Thankfully, there’s Totem and Taboo: Grindr Remembers (via Heeb), a blog that collects the images of young men in deep thought about the horrors of the human existence while keeping the always-frustrating search for sex at the front of their mind. The mission statement for the site is as follows:

In an age when ignorance is prevalent than ever, Grindr, the latest most addictive gay obsession, has wowed its members in relentlessly promoting the memory of the holocaust. While the gay community is being under scrutiny for promoting hedonism and alienation, this tribute seems all the more compelling.

Totem and Taboo, our new blog, asks nothing more but to harness the vibrant blogosphere to Grindr users’ innovative maneuvers to keep the memory alive, fresh and attractive. Now, you gals don’t just stand and watch! Be the change you want to see in the world. We kindly urge you to join our team: Help us collecting pics of the spreading new trend. (NSA)

While I generally don’t advocate the publishing of Grindr photos (can’t these dudes look for fun in peace and without shame?), it’s somewhat nice to see so many people considering making tribute to the millions of lost Jewish souls. (Perhaps unsurprisingly, gay guys have been doing this for years!) Bless their hearts. Especially sexmusclebtm.

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Suddenly Jim Nabors Is Gay and Married

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Jim Nabors is gaaaaaaay? I haven’t been this shocked since I found out that Victor Garber was gay. You know, two weeks ago. And by "shocked," I mean, well, I guess my brain was like, "What a second?" and then everything switched back to normal. Jim Nabors is gay. Gomer Pyle. So what, who cares. Good for him. Now that you mention it, I guess it does make a little bit of sense, huh?

But the bigger news is that Jim Nabors, gay man, married his partner, Stan Cadwallader, on January 15 in Seattle. The couple, who have been together for 38 years, wed in a civil ceremony in Seattle, Washington, where same-sex marriage was legalized and went into effect on January 6. 

"I’m very happy that I’ve had a partner of 38 years and I feel very blessed," said Nabors. "And, what can I tell you, I’m just very happy."

Before they legally tied the knot, "It’s pretty obvious that we had no rights as a couple, yet when you’ve been together 38 years," said Nabors, who in 1994 underwent a liver transplant, "I think something’s got to happen there, you’ve got to solidify something. And at my age, it’s probably the best thing to do." 

The two met in 1975, when Cadwallader, now 64, was a Honolulu fire fighter, said Nabors. 

Despite his recent nuptials, Nabors insists he’s not one to take up the issue of gay marriage, saying: "I’m not a debater. And everybody has their own opinion about this, and actually I’m not an activist, so I’ve never gotten involved in any of this."

A Honolulu firefighter? Get it get it, Jim Nabors. In all seriousness, this is incredibly delightful and charming, and it’s lovely that Nabors, who has kept mum on his personal life, feels comfortable enough to share a sliver of it now.

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Linkage: Megan Fox’s Face is Unreal, Victor Garber’s BF is Sexy, and Screech’s Younger Wife

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Esquire’s cover story about Megan Fox begins as follows: “The symmetry of her face, up close, is genuinely shocking. The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right. The eyes match exactly. The brow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, like a visual labyrinth. It’s not really even that beautiful. It’s closer to the sublime, a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly. What she is is flawless. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her.” It’s like an advertorial for plastic surgery! [Esquire]

Dustin Diamond, forever known to us all as Screech, gives an interesting interview in which he reveals the other reason older men enjoy the company of younger women: “One of the great things for me is I’ve got a trophy wife. She’s twenty-five and I’m thirty-six. So she’s an entire generation younger, and because of that, there’s stuff I missed that I can go back and appreciate now with her introducing it to me.” (Also, the sex is probably good.) [Splitsider]

Is the music industry too focused on ephemera? That’s what TLC’s T-Boz thinks. “The record business sucks!” she tells The Hollywood Reporter. “Great music, timeless music is hard to come by, but there are some that are like that… Those kind of songs last—your “Waterfalls" or “Unpretty”—but there’s a lot of this "just for the times" music out now, but they don’t last and then everybody’s on the next thing. So I don’t think it will ever be the same, but great music and great musicians still exist.” [THR]

Facebook is gunning to beat Google at the search engine business with the rollout of the new Graph Search, which “offers a massively expanded new way to explore your web social life.” Basically, it means you will never have to ask anyone for anything again, because Facebook will do it for you. It’s good news for those of us who have no intention of leaving our houses. (Heads up, Christine McVie.) [Gizmodo]

Victor Garber is gay, which I admit was NEWS TO ME, and it turns out he looks kinda like a forty-something Williamsburg loft-dweller. But hotter. So good on you, Victor Garber! Keep that shit right up! [Gawker]

There is a group of people now dubbed Male-ennials, they’re sharing “emotional stuff” with each other, they consider Google to be a father figure, and it’s safe to say that I hate all of them. [MTV Insights]

I’m not sure I’m 100% behind the second season of Girls, but I’m 100000% behind Texts From Shoshanna. [Vulture]

Getting the body you’ve always wanted is pretty easy, although there may be some light groundskeeping involved. [The Hairpin]

Lance Armstrong, rug abuser. [Hypervocal]

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Linkage: Taylor Swift and Harry Styles Are Dunzo, Woody Allen’s New Flick Gets a Title

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Taylor Swift and One Direction’s Harry Styles have broken up. I, for one, haven’t been this devastated since Taylor Swift broke up with that Kennedy kid. Alas, at least this means Swift will have enough material for at least three songs on her next album. (I’m guessing she’s been drafting some lyrics on that boat.) I’m hoping at least one of them is about Styles’s second set of nipples. (It’d be a good dig in a song called “I Could Never Love You (As Much As You Love Yourself)”) [NY Daily News, Gawker]

Woody Allen’s latest project has a name: Blue Jasmine. It also has a million people in it, including Alec Baldwin, Cate Blanchett, Bobby Cannavale, Louis C.K., Andrew Dice Clay, Sally Hawkins, and Peter Sarsgaard. Here’s hoping Andrew Dice Clay plays the regular Woody Allen doppelganger. [Splitsider]

Rapper / weed enthusiast The Game took a break from scarfing down peanut butter-covered Fritos and DiGiorno pizzas to make some comments following Justin Bieber’s alleged marijuana use: “Let’s keep it real. There’s a lot of people in high positions…who smoke a little weed sometimes. I’m not saying it’s okay…but [Bieber] made a mistake.” I’m totally surprised that his statement wasn’t more to the point. [SOHH]

Last year, New York pizza joint L’Asso sent me a calendar featuring pizzas in sexy poses. (One included a pizza wearing assless chaps. I know it’s hard to picture, but just go with it.) It looks like someone else has figured out exactly what I’d like to put on my wall in 2013: a calendar featuring women covered in manure. [The Gloss]

“I chose Ellen as Jesus because of the incredibly positive impact she’s had on the masses. When she came out as gay on television her career took an unjust beating, and she rose form the ashes to become more powerful and well-liked than ever. Portia de Rossi was the easy choice as Mary Magdalene. The only other character I wanted to match up historically was Judas. Despite her status as a fictional character, I absolutely had to choose Shane McCutcheon from ‘The L Word’ as Judas because of her notoriously bad behavior in relationships.” Art, you guys. [HuffPo]

James Franco. Justin Bieber. This link placed here solely for SEO purposes. [Observer]

Bones is returning for a ninth season, which only makes me wonder if anyone can bother to explain to me what the hell Bones is about. [EW]

Brad Pitt has been banned from China, and Paris Hilton has been banned from Japan. Too bad I can’t ban them from my brain HA HA HA AM I RIGHT? [Flavorwire]

Apparently we should all be friends with Lars Von Trier’s Melancholia on Facebook. [Creeper Status]

Here’s a video of a dude falling off a skateboard. You know you need it today. [Hypervocal]

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Linkage: Jesse Tyler Ferguson Supports Illinois Same-Sex Marriage, Emmy Rossum Is Just Too Pretty

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Bow-tie enthusiast and Modern Family star Jesse Tyler Ferguson stopped by Chicago yesterday to lend his support in the fight for same-sex marriage, the legislation for which may pass in the Illinois General Assembly before the session ends on June 9. Said Ferguson: "A lot of people who were not comfortable with marriage equality … turn on the television and see a show that has a lot of different families in it — and one of those families just happens to be gay. They’re realizing they have a great time watching the show, then they’re watching a gay couple that’s having a lot of the same problems and issues they have. They realize ‘Oh they’re not so different from me.’ And at that point, we’re in their living rooms." [Chicagoist]

South Korean screenwriter Young Il Kim has penned a film titled Rodham about, well, duh. [Politico]

Speaking of questionably titled biopics, jOBS, starring Ashton Kutcher, will close out the Sundance Film Festival and see an April theatrical release. [Deadline New York]

If you were rooting for Lil’ Wayne in your office Worst Tattoo of 2013 pool, it looks like you’re coming out ahead already. [Crushable]

Zooey Deschanel in Glamour: "I want to be a fucking feminist and wear a fucking Peter Pan collar. So fucking what?" Do you, girl! [Jezebel]

EGOT winner Mel Brooks gives some solid advice on how to make all of your creative dreams come true. [Fast Company]

Look, I get that times are tough but if you’re willing to let your boss fart on you then maybe you should just go on unemployment? [The Gloss]

If you expect Kathy Griffin to apologize for trying to perform oral sex on Anderson Cooper during the pair’s annual New Year’s Eve hosting gig, you can, well, suck her dick. [EW]

Emmy Rossum (or, as I like to call her, The Poor Man’s Jennifer Love Hewitt) claims she was almost not even considered for her role in Showtime’s Shameless because she was too pretty. It’s a little early in the year for this, yes? [The Frisky]

"[W]e eagerly await the BuzzFeed post, 10 Reasons We Raised $20M to Write More Things Like “Pretty Japanese Girls React to Drinking Poop Wine.” [Observer]

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NPR Claims It’s All Sunshine and Roses Now That There Are Gay Men on TV

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Any article that starts with, "The pop culture gay flavor of the minute? White gay dads," will likely have me digging my fingernails into my palms by the time I scroll down to the bottom of the page. Ta da! Congrats, NPR, because you managed to incite my first internet-based rage of 2013!

In an article accompanying a story that ran this morning on the air, NPR writer Neda Ulaby discovers that our television sets are blowin’ up with friendly, proud, and out gay men who are showing the world how it can get better, or something. Yes, on Modern Family and The New Normal, there are white dudes who have sex with each other (but not onscreen, because ewwwww) and procreating with the help of, I dunno, white women and Asian adoption agencies. Breaking news, gang!

It’s a mini-boomlet, says real-life white gay dad and sociology professor Joshua Gamson. Not too long ago, he says, pop culture once mainly defined gay men as promiscuous and deviant, rather than monogamous and devoted to their families.

"It does seem like a strong counterstereotype of how gay men have been portrayed over the past, whatever, 50 years," he said.

A boomlet! Cute! The article also mentions, obviously, Will & Grace, whose creator, Max Mutchnik, also created the similarly gay-themed (and immediately cancelled) Partners. And, obviously, there’s the king of Gay TV, Ryan Murphy, who is responsible for Glee (gay teenagers!), The New Normal (gays who love NeNe Leakes!), and American Horror Story (murdered lesbians! a male ghost in a pleather body suit who rapes and kills a gay couple!). Sure, there’s also Max on Happy Endings, the lovably sarcastic and dumpy gay guy, but even his romantic prospects are hardly ever the focus of an episode (I say that regretfully, because I do love that show).

To give some balance to this piece, After Ellen‘s Trish Bendix gives some solid points about the representation of queer women on television: 

"Well, actually, there have been a lot of women of color, which has been great," said Trish Bendix, who runs a website called After Ellen that tracks lesbian representation on television. She rattled off at least a half-dozen shows with nonwhite queer female characters: White CollarThe Good WifeUnderemployedPretty Little LiarsGrey’s AnatomyGlee.

But too often, says Bendix, these are small roles played by exoticized, slinky femmes. "Like, ‘the other’ is always going to be the other," she observed ruefully. "So we’ll just pile all that otherness on the one person."

It’s true, though. After we’re done compiling lists of all the gay men on TV, can we narrow down which ones are not white? Because, let’s be honest, the modern definition of "gay" seems to be "white man who lives in the city and shops with all of his disposable income." And on top of that, do any of those men have personalities that don’t fit into a masculine-feminine binary? Because, you see, all gay men are either super queeny or straight acting, if The New Normal is to be believed. Or, perhaps even worse, any gay man who does not seem to be floating on Cloud Nine is, in turn, doomed, or perhaps evil, as one can see from any queer character on American Horror Story or Thomas from Downton Abbey, who is brought up at the end of the NPR article as a "character [who] once might have been seen as a homophobic stereotype [but now] blends into an ever-expanding universe." (Lemme know if that universe ever expands to include some queers who aren’t trying to screw over everyone they encounter.)

The point is this: we’ve come a long way in terms of the way gay men are represented on television. But we’ve only made it half way. Should we have congratulated the people behind Soap for creating the first regular gay character on a sitcom, or do you think we’re allowed to acknowledge the borderline homophobic humor surrounding the man’s (played by a straight guy, naturally) decision to "become straight" by pursuing a sex-change? Looking back on it, that was kind of screwed up, huh?

Hopefully in another twenty years or so we’ll have progressed to a place where we’re not just patting ourselves on the back for putting gay men on TV and saying, "Good work, everyone! Now, to collect the checks!" Because there’s a larger world of queer people out there who are still not represented, and its clear that there’s little to no interest in those who don’t fit into the whitewashed gay world that’s being packaged for middle America, just slightly and cheekily enough not to rock any boats. 

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Want To Know Why You’re Gay?

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A team of scientists may have the answer! Dr. Urban Friberg of the Uppsala University in Sweden and Dr. William Rice of University of UC Santa Barbara, who are likely totally gay with each other when not doing gay science, suggest the mysterious evolutionary biology of homosexuality may have something to do with “epi-marks.” Sounds pretty gay, right?

Building on “previous studies” that demonstrated “that homosexuality runs in families” but couldn’t pinpoint a so-called gay gene, Friberg and Rice have proposed in The Quarterly Review of Biology that something called epigenetics may be the crucial factor:

Epi-marks constitute an extra layer of information attached to our genes’ backbones that regulates their expression. While genes hold the instructions, epi-marks direct how those instructions are carried out—when, where and how much a gene is expressed during development. Epi-marks are usually produced anew each generation, but recent evidence demonstrates that they sometimes carryover between generations and thus can contribute to similarity among relatives, resembling the effect of shared genes.

Got all that? In a nutshell, it means that your opposite-sex parent probably contributed a sex-specific epi-mark to your DNA that never got erased, making you decidedly, irrevocably gay. So thank your mom or dad, depending: without them you’d be a miserable straight like the rest of us.

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