In 2009, Rainn Wilson launched SoulPancake.com, a website devoted to life’s big unknowns—his book of the same name was released in November—but right now, he’d rather get a few things straight. (Who knew that’s where Paris keeps her quarters?) The Office funnyman, who’ll next appear in the stoner drama Hesher and the superhero comedy Super, rips into Young Hollywood, whom he hates.
1. The Young Hollywood Sign, which stands about 1,000 feet from the Hollywood Sign and looks like the Toys “R” Us logo. Ralph Macchio and Lea Thompson, in an act of rage, constructed it in 1988. I hate the Young Hollywood Sign because every time I drive by it, it makes me think about Young Hollywood, whom I hate.
2. Their annoying, sheep-like quoting and carrying around copies of The Sublime Object of Ideology by Slovenian philosopher Slavoj Žižek, who once said, of Young Hollywood, “Desire must be created, through the ‘meta-language’ of teaching the voyeur how to desire.” The Žižek fixation in Hollywood has grown so intense that countless young actors, who were previously buff, hairless, and beautiful, are now working overtime to gain 70 pounds, grow messy beards, and wear rumpled, puffy, sleeveless jackets, just like Žižek himself. Wait—I just realized I meant to say Zach Galifianakis, not Slavoj Žižek. Just go back through the entire paragraph and replace “Slavoj Žižek” with “Zach Galifianakis.”
3. The fact that Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Kim Kardashian are now the “grand old dames” of Young Hollywood. They host a weekly salon for up-and-comers where they discuss fashion, career advice, media management, and the care of—and uses for—the anus: change purse, Pez dispenser, Crayola sharpener, brandy snifter, and Señor Wences-style “anus puppet” for entertaining at children’s birthday parties. I attended their salon and left extremely uncomfortable, so now I hate them.
4. Their relentlessly dreamy eyebrows and adorable haircuts that make it so hard for me to stop scribbling “Mr. Rainn Pattinson” all over my notebook. TEAM EDWARD 4-EVAH!!! Seriously, I hate how all the Young Hollywood guys have such big eyebrows. It gives me eyebrow envy. There’s no way those things are real. Look at Zac Efron and tell me those aren’t two strips of John Goodman’s back hair implanted on his forehead. You know who else had big eyebrows? Groucho Marx. I hate him, too.
5. They never share their Lunchables. And if they do, they’ll only give you a cracker or a piece of cheese and not the bologna, which is the best part. All right, I’ll say it—I’m talking about Justin Long. He sat next to me at the People’s Choice Awards and wouldn’t give me a piece of bologna. He’s an evil prick for doing so and I hate him. Otherwise, I think he’s wonderful.
6. The little-known fact that a secret brain trust of Young Hollywood stars, including Channing Tatum, iCarly, and Leighton Meester, engineered the Global Financial Meltdown of 2008. Through their use of trendy social networking websites like “The Facebook” and “YouTubes,” they corralled their brainwashed young fans into using their excess capital to buy and trade mortgage-backed securities, disregarding the whole web of interlinked dependencies, and bringing down the world financial markets. And then their fans were all, like, “Whoa, market crash, gag me with a spoon,” or whatever stupid stuff kids say today. I ran into Channing Tatum at the gym and angrily asked him, “How do you sleep?” He replied, “Butt naked next to your mama.” I found that clever and amusing, but I still hate him.
7. They are too young to remember a time without Saw movies, iPods, Crocs, Big Mouth Billy Bass, ketchup that comes in fanciful colors, Jared the Subway Guy, Elián González, flash drives, Roomba, and the United States in a perpetual state of war—all of which are things I hate passionately. Except for Jared the Subway Guy, who is awesome, and Saw III, which was pretty good.
8. That new fashion style, butt-breezers, where young clubgoers cut the rear ends out of their $300 jeans. They wear pants with the butts cut out. Their butts are literally hanging out as they’re dancing. It’s catching on all over. Seriously. It’s a thing. A fashion thing. If you lived in Hollywood, you’d know. You’d totally see it everywhere. If you haven’t started doing this, you might want to give it a go, as it’s all the rage. Try it! I’m wearing them right now, and—although I hate myself for it—I enjoy the slight “pop” sound my buttocks make whenever I rise from the overstuffed Milano leather chair I’m writing this in.
9. They say things that I don’t understand like “jiggy,” “epic fail,” “pwnd,” “jeggings,” and “scrump-diddly-icious.”
10. The humility.
Photo by Joshua Spencer.