Well, this is good news for adult men whose only issue with the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was that the chick who played April didn’t give them enough boners on account of her face and body looking, well, like a normal human woman’s. Megan Fox, whose face resembles, of all things, a visual labyrinth, a concealed butterfly, and waves crisscrossing a lake, will don the yellow trench coat as the reporter who becomes the main squeeze of life-sized teenage turtles. I could go on about how this fulfills the fantasy of every straight man born between 1979 and 1989, but good lord, I’m exhausted. Basically, I hope all the dudes stuck in a period of sustained adolescence have fun masturbating to Megan Fox in another dumb movie.
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
is a surprisingly easy concept to work with: You make sure the turtles are teenaged, mutants and ninjas, and everything basically follows from there. Not for Michael Bay, who is producing an upcoming live-action revival of the merchandising octopus. Speaking at the Nickelodeon Upfront
, Bay hinted that the revamped turtles might be aliens, and not mutants. “When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie," he said. "These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.” TANT doesn’t quite have the same ring, does it? Now’s as good a time as any to point out this eerily prescient Onion article
from a few years ago.
But let’s not get this completely twisted before we take to the forums: Maybe Bay just chose his words poorly and meant alien in the literal definition of "unlike one’s own" or "foreigner." In that case, mutant turtles would indeed qualify as an alien race. Or it could just be that he really doesn’t give a damn and is down to troll as hard as he can because wow you guys who is over the age of 15 and seriously even giving a crap about whether some giant kung-fu-doing anthropomorphized turtles in headbands are mutants or aliens or pirates or seapunks? It’s made for the youth of today, not twenty years ago. Children’s standards regarding cartoon authenticity don’t exactly recall the Grand Inquisition.
The new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is supposed to be out on Christmas 2013 and will be an excellent way to tell your family you hate them.
The thing about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is that the latter part of their name never rang true. Yeah, they have shells, love pizza, and totally kick ass, but those are the only turtlesque qualities they own. I understand they had to be kid-friendly and yada yada, but a little realism would’ve been nice. Of course, I say that now. Turns out a turtle-obsessed artist also craved some realism, and sculpted what amounts to the Ninja Turtles as they’d exist in the real world. The results? Horrific.