Sold: ‘Teen Mom’ Star’s Probably Nightmarish Sex Tape

Though she had told Dr. Phil that the 70-minute(!) porn film she shot with penis-next-door-du-jour James Deen would only sell for upwards of $2 million, Teen Mom icon Farrah Abraham has settled for the “high six figures” in a deal with VividEntertainment. Which means the world must now prepare itself for Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. The plus side there? Little chance of pregnancy.

There was some earlier confusion about this whole landmark event, as Deen apparently dropped news of the sex tape too early for Abraham’s liking—or, rather, revealed it as just a garden-variety porno and nothing like an illicit/amateur “sex tape” at all. This prompted Abraham to slander Deen’s manhood, which was a bewildering tactic if you consider his profession, but I guess it kept people somewhat interested.
 
What are you really going to get for the $29.95 this DVD will cost you? There’s a part of me that suspects that if you got knocked up after having sex, like, three times, you probably don’t have a hell of a lot of experience in that regard. Seeing as having a toddler around can really cut down on your opportunities and libido. The 4-year-old kid did, however, come to the negotiating table. You try to haggle with that adorable face.

MTV Teen Mom’s Debut Album Will Actually Melt Your Brain

Farrah Abraham, a young woman made somewhat famous by her tenure on the hit reality show “Teen Mom,” is nothing if not ambitious. She is not content to be known for her early, accidental pregnancy; she got plastic surgery to facilitate a career as a model, and she aspires to be a sous chef as well. So a stab at pop stardom isn’t all that strange—and not even a fraction as strange as the music itself.

Molded from nightmarish electronic fuzz, with vocals Autotuned to the point of gnarled cyborg gibberish, My Teenage Dream Ended, lurches from dubstep wozzles to what sounds like the bubbly fumblings of a very drunk Aphex Twin. The dark title (a sour reference to Katy Perry’s child-free life, as far as we can tell) is far more indicative of the general mood here than the feel-good cover art. The lyrics may well be about wishing neither mother nor daughter had ever been born.

FACT weighed in with a baffled review that dispensed with a rating altogether, seeing as “any kind of scale seems pointless” and “there are no comparison points” here:

Throughout, Abraham uses inhumanly processed electronics as a kind of refuge from both her body and mind – not that this lessens the sheer physicality of her music. ‘Unplanned Parenthood’ opens with a buzzing bass riff as though it’s pretending to be Peaches’ ‘Fuck The Pain Away’, before plunging into far more disturbing territory: vocals tumble unbidden from the machine (“This bump doesn’t go away…it feels like I’m going in on this alone”) as Abraham recoils from her own body in horror. An actual melody enters, inexplicably, in the last 30 seconds, albeit seemingly made out of a smoke alarm.

You know, this kind of thing could really connect with an audience. It is a bleak and grotesque world out there. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever enjoy her work, but I’m calling it right now: Farrah Abraham is the next Skrillex.

 

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.

That Guy Split Up With What’s-Her-Face

TMZ, People, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation have all harmoniously confirmed the terrible breakup of a torrid sexual relationship between Hollywood actors Jennifer Anniston and Robert Pattinson, who appeared on The Daily Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to confirm that he will be the new legal guardian for Suri Cruise, the illegitimate child of British chanteuse Adele and an unnamed father who is probably Bret Michaels, the rock star famous for his recently called-off double-engagement to Twilight’s Kristen Stewart and one of the girls from Teen Mom.

Meanwhile, Gillian Anderson, Anne Hathaway and Carey Mulligan have filed for a divorce from their respective husbands—Stevie Wonder, Tom Cruise and Justin Theroux (née Jeremy Piven). Kenny G, accredited just two days ago as a lawyer, will represent both men in what is likely to be a blood-soaked beast of a court proceeding. Kenny G is also caught in the middle of his own bitter divorce from a crazed fan, who filed for marriage without his knowledge; that case is presided over by Judge Judy.

Judge Judy could not be reached for comment, but this weekend she was spotted scarfing down hamburgers at Chateau Marmont with Ryan Gosling, the world-renown David Duchovny impersonator.

Your Daily Guide To Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Wisconsin Recall

The top two trending terms on Google today have to do with Scott Walker, the first-term Republican governor from Wisconsin. Walker is now the first ever governor in the history of the United States to have won a recall election. See, after Walker was initially elected, he introduced a plan to save money for the state by cutting public employee pensions and eliminating bargaining rights. This was enough for the state’s labor movement to force a recall election. The joke’s on them, sadly, because Walker killed it, defeating his opponent with a 10% margin. Walker’s earned a fan in no less than Mitt Romney, who said, “Governor Walker has shown that citizens and taxpayers can fight back – and prevail – against the runaway government costs imposed by labor bosses. Tonight voters said ‘no’ to the tired, liberal ideas of yesterday, and ‘yes’ to fiscal responsibility and a new direction.” 

Amber Portwood

Before we get too comfortable with all of this political news being searched for on Google—honestly it’s enough to make a guy’s head spin!—here’s Amber Portwood. The star of the MTV train wreck Teen Mom has been sentenced to at least two years (but perhaps up to five) in prison on drug charges. Originally the reality TV monster avoided the clink by going to rehab, but she brilliantly dropped out of that program. Portwood has had a long relationship with the law, including a 2010 arrest on felony domestic violence charges and a more recently May arrest thanks to a probation violation, care of a failed drug test.

Amanda Bynes

Yahoo! users have no obvious political interests this morning, as the misdemeanor DUI charges against once adorable teen actress (now former actress) Amanda Bynes top the search trends. Bynes was arrested in West Hollywood back in April after she slammed her BMW into a cop car and arrested on the suspicion of driving under the influence. Bynes is standing up for herself in a rather unusual way: tweeting at the President. Tuesday night she wrote, “Hey @BarackObama… I don’t drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don’t hit and run. The end.” 

Miss New Zealand

Avianca Bohn might soon be stripped of her beauty-queen title of Miss New Zealand now that it’s been discovered she’s not an actual citizen. The situation is, of course, of great concern to Yahoo! readers. As it turns out, the 22-year-old beauty moved to the country from South Africa at age 16. Her citizenship, she has said, is pending. “"Everyone’s got contacts, and it’s one of the first things that we’re going to do and sort out," she said in an interview. "It’s just the paperwork. I mean New Zealand is such a multicultural country. It’s not an issue to me at all, I’m not even worried about that." The director of pageant (owned by Donald Trump, an expert in citizenship) has said that Bohn should not have won and was, in fact, only in the competition to build her confidence. “"It’s not embarrassing for the competition. It’s embarrassing for the [chief] judge, who should have taken on board what I said to him," the director said. "It says that in their entry form. [Ms Bohm] and I both had a clear understanding that she couldn’t win.” Except she did.

Vampire Skeletons

Bing is all excited about the discovery in Bulgaria of two skeletons whose chests were pierced with iron rods, making it seem likely that they were staked for being vampires. "These skeletons stabbed with rods illustrate a practice which was common in some Bulgarian villages up until the first decade of the 20th Century,” the head of Bulgaria’s National History Museum has said. To date over 100 skeletons bearing the marks of vampire slayers have been found in the spooky country. But really, news story of True Blood marketing? 

#Worstof2012

The year’s about half over and already Twitter is cataloging what’s been wrong with it. There’s also a huge number of posts congratulating Miley Cyrus and her big-headed beau Liam Hemsworth on their supposed engagement, but that is a much less popular hashtag than the one that allows you to complain.

Worst 4

Worst 3

Worst 2

Worst 1

 

Morning Links: Lindsay Lohan Lays Low, Stacy Keibler In Talks To Join ‘X Factor’

● With just ten days left of her probation period, Lindsay Lohan has put herself under house arrest to avoid any further trouble. Better late than never. [NYDN]

● The Pretty Reckless front woman Taylor Momsen says she’s "done done done" with acting. "It’s good to finally be able to focus on music and not have to work on 10 jobs at once," she said, putting Little J to rest once and for all. [StarPulse]

● If Jay gets his way with Live Nation, Beyoncé’s come back will be big time and — more importantly! — as soon as this year. Hope somebody’s put in a call with the babysitter. [Page Six]

● Lil Wayne has been asked to mow the now unruly lawn in front of his Kenner, Louisiana mansion. [CBS]

● The original cast of Teen Mom are no longer teens and thus this upcoming fourth season will be their last. Moms they’ll be forever, though. MTV says they are "thankful to these brave young women for sharing their stories and helping to make a positive impact on teen pregnancy prevention." [USAToday]

● George Clooney’s gal Stacy Keibler is in talks to join The X Factor‘s judges panel, where sources say she will shine because she "looks fantastic and has bags of charisma." [Page Six]

● There could be no better elixir for your SXSW hangover than this free Titus Andronicus "odds and sods" mixtape. [CoS]

Morning Links: Hugh Hefner Almost Ditched at Altar, Natalie Portman Gives Birth

● Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied welcomed their baby boy into the world yesterday. No word yet on name or photos, but surely, we’ll be made more familiar soon. [People] ● Scandal in Playboy land! Just five days before they were scheduled to walk down the aisle, Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris have called off their wedding. And according to today’s Page Six, they did so with good reason: Apparently Crystal Harris had been secretly offered $500,000 to ditch Hef at the alter in order to make a “media sensation” of their Lifetime TV special wedding. They called things off early when she decided she couldn’t go through with it. But Hugh, ever the playboy, already has new weekend plans. [Page Six] ● L.A. music promoter Robert Ross told a court yesterday that he had been kidnapped by gang members who were looking for a Shaq sex tape. When they couldn’t find the tape, they settled for Ross’s diamond earrings, a Rolex watch, and $15,000 in cash instead. [CNN]

● If you were thinking about flatware as a wedding gift for Kim and Kris, make sure it’s Hermes. According to their wedding-registry, they’ve got $155 cereal bowls on order. [PopEater] ● Lil B broke news yesterday, tweeting about his feature on an upcoming Lil Wayne mix tape. Mack Maine went on to confirm that a new tape, Thanks 4 Waiting, is in fact on, to tide over fans while they wait on the oft-delayed Tha Carter IV. #C4boom [RapRadar] ● Troubled Teen Mom Amber Portwood was rushed to the hospital after a possible suicide attempt. Season 3 should be a good one. [Radar]

Morning Links: Lindsay Lohan Thinks Paris Is Mean, Lady Gaga Doesn’t Think ‘Judas’ Is Offensive

● Paris Hilton made a joke on her television show about Lindsay stealing, and Lindsay is all upset. “[Paris] is mean. You don’t have to make fun of serious matter in people’s live to be funny,” says Lohan, interestingly. Wait, did we say interestingly? [TMZ] ● Oh my Glee! Glee Live! In Concert and in 3D, coming to a theater near you this August. Ryan Murphy promises it’ll be a “cinematic experience.” [HR] ● Bristol’s face seems to be changing. Is it plastic surgery? Or just the result of weight change and/or growing up? [NYDN]

● “In my opinion, the only controversial thing about [the “Judas”] video is that I’m wearing Christian Lacroix and Chanel in the same frame,” says Lady Gaga. [MTV] ● Soulja Boy says Drake loved his 4/20 mixtape, Juice, and thinks he’s getting a feature on Drake’s sophomore album, Take Care. Which would be great! But, Soulja Boy also seems to believe that Drake lifted “What’s Hannenin'” from him, so, with a grain of salt, please. [RapRadar] ● From the annals of “Oops! Too Late,” the girls of Teen Mom in a Pro-Cuddling PSA. [Radar]

‘Teen Mom”s Leah Files For Divorce

In the exhausting saga that is Teen Mom, there’s always been one bright spot: teen mother Leah Messer’s relationship with the father of her twins, Corey Simms. The West Virginia couple actually got along, seemed to be in love, both looked after the babies, and resolved problems by talking about them instead of screaming curses at each other. Trust me, if you’ve ever seen that show, that’s not the usual M.O. Now they’re reportedly getting a divorce after being married for six months, and the show will lose its one oasis of calm and descend into full chaos.

This was originally reported by OK! and InTouch, so I chose not to believe it. But it actually does seem like it’s true: Messer and Simms’ names were found on a list of people who filed for divorce this month in the West Virginia Gazette, and TMZ posted a photo of Leah crying under a tree, divorce papers in hand (and surrounded by cameras, obviously). No! I had such high hopes.

In fairness, the pair are too young to be married, and one of their babies has special needs — that’s a lot for one relationship to handle. Rumor has it they were fighting over the checks from MTV and that Corey took out money from their bank account to pay for a new truck; money that had been earmarked for baby Ali’s medical care. (That part sounds like silly tabloid B.S., actually, considering that Corey totally wouldn’t do such a thing. Then again, I’ve been brainwashed by MTV’s editing, so…).

Honestly, I’m not sure if I can handle watching this show anymore. Every other mom on the show is a mess: Kailyn and her baby daddy are constantly at each other’s throats, Chelsea’s stuck in an abusive relationship with scumbag Adam, and Jenelle is so incapable of caring for baby Jace that she lost custody of him. How long can we watch other people’s lives fall apart and feel okay about it?

‘Teen Mom’ Amber Portwood’s Nude Photos & the Beginning of the End for Teen Moms

Nude pictures of Amber Portwood, one of MTV’s Teen Moms, have surfaced online. (This is the same teen mom who was charged with domestic battery of her baby’s father and neglect of a dependent, by the way.) Nude photos of the tabloid-famous in and of themselves aren’t that big a deal these days, but still. How did these girls, totally normal and unremarkable except for the fact of their young motherhood, go from being interesting case studies to tabloid celebrities followed to the pumpkin patch by Us Weekly?

Teen Mom started in 2009 as a spinoff of 16 and Pregnant, which followed very young mothers during their pregnancies and births. Teen Mom follows them into their early years of motherhood. It’s fascinating to watch them do mundane things like take their babies to the grocery store and fight with their baby daddies about money. Even though they’re mostly pretty boring and vacant. I would know – I’ve seen both series in their entirety.

The dissonance of a 16-year-old high school sophomore waking up in the middle of the night to nurse her baby, of a 17-year-old moving in with her fiancé and a toddler and keeping house like a grown adult – it’s not as if it’s new or anything. And whether we’d like to think about it or not, it’s the story of more teenagers than we’d like to admit (although less than in the past). But remember what it was like to be 16, and then add a screaming baby on top of that. The drama quotient just explodes.

Admirably, the series uses that palpable drama in a really servicey way. Teen Mom shows us just how hard it is, just how taxing and unglamorous and un-fun, to become a mother before you’ve even graduated high school. Before commercial breaks, there’s even a screen that pops up directing viewers to a MTV-sponsored site about preventing teen pregnancy. This stuff should be required viewing in sex ed classes all over the country.

But now that the moms are becoming famous in contexts outside the show – now that they’re being gossiped about and photographed everywhere – the efficacy of the series’ message is diluted. I’m not in the camp that thinks these shows “glamorize” or “encourage” teen pregnancy – that argument is silly and incomplete at best. I don’t think any sane teenager could watch an episode of Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant and think, “I want that.” But when the moms become personalities, it does, in a way, make the whole thing seem glamorous, or at least it makes you momentarily forget the dirty diapers and colic and the cheating boyfriends and lack of money.

And now that they’re posing for nude photos, however amateurish and sad they may be? Yikes.