Links: Katy Perry & Russel Brand Finally Get Married, Lindsay Lohan Can’t Afford Rehab

● Katy Perry and Russel Brand were married on Saturday in India in front of two elephants, a drum troupe, and hopefully a divorce attorney taking notes, just in case. [People] ● Seventeen-year-old Taylor Momsen flashed the crowd while performing with her band The Pretty Reckless, surprising exactly one person, probably named Dad. [Hollywood Life] ● Leaked gossip about Mick Jagger, from Keith Richards’ upcoming autobiography, includes news of his diva tendencies, confusion about Johnny Depp, and his “tiny todger.” [Daily Mail]

● Though Lindsay Lohan was spared another jail sentence, with a judge opting for another three months of rehab instead, the sometimes-actress’s attorney told the court that “she can not afford to continue to pay for the treatment program and she needs to work.” When does this movie get fun again? [NYDN] ● Celine Dion gave birth to twins “with a good amount of hair,” though no word yet on their singing voices. [People] ● Christina Aguilera’s soon-to-be-ex-husband, Jordan Bratman, will not leave her apartment, which closely mirrors the plot of a Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn film. [TMZ]

Links: Kim Kardashian Pissed at New Naked Pics, Taylor Momsen Goes Bonkers on Balls

● Kim Kardashian, who entered the public consciousness via sex tape and Playboy spread, is “really upset” about new photos that expose her body. [RadarOnline] ● James Franco, ever the enigma, is not a gay stoner. Or is he? [The Advocate] ● Twlight: Eclipse will be released again this weekend because it is Bella Swan’s birthday. Since it is not actually about money, the showings are free, right? Right? [Deadline]

● Taylor Momsen, the whiskey-swilling Courtney Love acolyte and problem child from Gossip Girl, set her dog’s neutered testicles ablaze. That is all. [MTV] ● Madonna’s daughter Lourdes started public high school in New York City. According to a real newspaper, one student saw her “in the cafeteria” and “she was talking to people.” [PopEater] ● Lauren Graham, better known as Lorelai Gilmore, is dating Peter Krause, better known as her half-brother on Parenthood, creating a pairing that has even fan-fiction writers scratching their heads. [Redbook]

A Gossip Girl’s High & Low Fashion Appeal

Taylor Momsen has been making fashion headlines for a few seasons now thanks to the Gossip Girl’s controversial style. (Think: no pants.) But it seems bona fide fashion heavyweights are looking to the teen spirit for inspiration, too. Not only has Momsen found herself in the good graces of Madonna, she’s also apparently piqued the fancy of John Galliano. “Momsen was hand-picked by Madonna to be the face and muse of Material Girl, the juniors label that will launch at 200 Macy’s stores next week,” says Women’s Wear Daily. The line was in large part designed and inspired by Madonna’s own spawn, Lourdes, but it’s Momsen that will act as its spokesperson. “The role entails doing the launch of the line on Aug. 3 at Herald Square. And I’ll be tweeting and talking about the line. We did a photo shoot for the first pieces of the collection. It’s a really great line. It’s really cool,” Momsen told WWD.

Also included in the partnership: being photographed and styled by the original Material Girl herself. The appearance in Madge’s ads won’t be Momsen’s only major campaign this year. Galliano has cast her as the face of his namesake fragrance, to be released this fall. She also racked up an endorsement gig with New Look in London. Maybe Momsen’s personal style choices might not have been so regrettable after all.

Links: Take the Tiger Woods Sext SATs; Ke$ha Disses Britney Spears, Clings to Career

● The best multiple choice test imaginable: the Tiger Woods Sext SATs, featuring answers like “Rain : Umbrella :: Golden : Shower.” [Get Whirled] ● Scream 4 is coming, David Arquette and all — crank that ’90s nostalgia up to 11. [Variety] ● Gossip Girl fans can pretend the new Hold Steady song, “Hurricane J,” is about Little J or Taylor Momsen (“Don’t all those cigs make you tired?”), while normal people can just enjoy the summer’s first positive jam. [Pitchfork]

● A new track by Ke$ha is something off a Britney Spears diss record, but the whiskey-toothed poptart is already distancing herself from the sentiment. Stones, glass houses and all that. [Celebuzz] ● Today’s creepy thing is a list of 20 “hot” face morph mashups of celebrities including both Tom Cruise/David Beckham and Kirsten Dunst/Lindsay Lohan. [Smashing Lists] ● A fellow inmate beat up legendary producer and murderer Phil Spector in the jail yard, knocking out a few teeth. Not everyone likes The Ronettes, after all! [NYDN]

Links: John Edwards Has a Sex Tape, Too?; John Travolta to Haiti

● Things John Edwards might have: a sex tape, a large john. Things John Edwards definitely has: a lovechild, an impending divorce, no future. [Gawker] ● Courtney Love gave a video tutorial in five parts on makeup application to her 7,443 Twitter followers. Lesson #3: “Like, drag eye!” [Idolator] ● Khloé Kardashian met President Obama at the White House. What, the leader of the free world can’t land Kim or even Kourtney? [E! Online]

● John Travolta piloted a plane, full of Scientologists, down to Haiti to lend a hand, because what they need now are definitely stress tests. [Gawker] ● Taylor Momsen has been listening to way too much Ke$ha: “I don’t fucking care. I didn’t get into this to be a role model.” [Times Online] ● An artist created celebrity mosaic portraits of Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger entirely out of pills. It’s, like, a comment on fame and drugs? [Incredible World]

Taylor Momsen Rejects Haitian Relief Efforts For Pop Career

For those of you who want to keep a running list of celebrities who are too busy doing important things like hacking their bangs off with sheep shears, recording an album using Apple’s Garage Band, and phoning some lines of dialogue down to the studio for their shrinking roles on Gossip Girl to be taking part in any Haitian relief efforts, here’s a new wrinkle! Pouty GG star Taylor Momsen is feeling uncharacteristically plucky. She isn’t letting the same earthquake that’s inspired intrepid A-listers to stage a telethon this Friday get her down. Then again, Momsen has always been like her rebellious on-screen alter-ego: Flouting conventions and walking to the beat of her own drum. What a force! Also, such frayed bangs!

(‘DiggThis’)She explains to OK!, “Um, right now I’m trying to just finish my record and getting through the last season of Gossip Girl for right now. So not so much thinking about that. But it’s awesome that everyone is, ya know, working towards a good cause.” Well said, Lil’ J.

Here is what Momsen is doing instead of sending Hello Kitty berets to Haiti.

3 People We Want to Send to Haiti

Granted, Haiti doesn’t really need anything but money, doctors and first-world support right now, but if they had space for three extra people, we’ve come up with trio who should be on the first flight out to Port-au-Prince.

1. Anthony Bourdain: The man just knows how to operate amongst foreigners in clutch situations. If you’ve ever seen the No Reservations episode where Bourdain comforts families and his staff while in Lebanon during the Israeli strike bombings, you’ll know that this is a guy who can keep his cool in a hot situation, make people smile, laugh and bring them good food, too. The former Les Halles chef is the Sanjay Gupta of the food world:

2. Kelly Cutrone: The irascible, chain-smoking real-life star of The Hills and The City was recently quoted by Guest of a Guest as noting in new book:

“If anyone really wanted to change the world, they’d bring in the fashion bitches, because nobody gets things done faster.”

This is true! More importantly, if you have the patience to deal with the completely braindead cacophony of mouthbreathers that are Whitney, Justin Bobby, and the other creatures of The Hills and The City, you can probably deal with people who want, need and deserve help in a fairly polite manner.

3. Taylor Momsen: The teenage Gossip Girl trashbag-chic styled poppet recently delivered the following quote:

When asked if she would try to help Haiti through donations or campaigns, she said, “Um, right now I’m trying to just finish my record and getting through the last season of Gossip Girl for right now. So not so much thinking about that.”

Granted, she was being bombarded by celebrity reporters, but she should go to Haiti to encourage her to stop being a brat. Also, it would prevent her from finishing her record, which is the last thing pop music needs right now. A double-dose of Save the Children: keep them from being influenced by Momson’s 17 year-old Teenage Wasteland/Gomorrah stylings, and also, an extra helping hand.

If you’re not these three people–or even if you are–we’re encouraging readers to donate to the Red Cross, Americares, Doctors Without Borders, or UNICEF. Haiti needs our help; pop culture can, in all honesty, fuckoff for a day.

Taylor Momsen’s New Gig

According to a little bird that spoke to Nylon, Gossip Girl‘s Taylor Momsen is “shooting a campaign for a very big fashion brand today.” And, the international brand that the actress and musician is playing muse to is none other than London’s New Look. The choice isn’t all that surprising given the brand has a thing for punk loving ‘it’ girls-cum-mannequins like Pixie Geldof, who designed a line and modeled it for the retailer back in 2008.

The fledgling model is no stranger to mugging for magazine covers, but if rumors that her hard-partying ways may get her fired from Gossip Girl are true, that might explain Momsen’s desire to do fashion ad campaigns. Regardless, here’s to hoping that all of the new found sartorial exposure (not to mention free clothes) will cure Momsen of her proclivity for going pantless.

Links: Anna Friel Naked at ‘Tiffany’s’, Taylor Momsen in ‘Runaways’

● Charlize Theron is taking a page from Brad Pitt’s PR playbook by saying she and longtime boyfriend Stuart Townsend won’t wed until her gay BFFs can. [DigitalSpy] ● Gisele Bundchen cares about things and stuff — that’s why the United Nations made her a goodwill ambassador for the environment. [JustJared] ● Former Pushing Daisies actress Anna Friel shows off her birthday suit in the London production of Breakfast at Tiffany’s. [NewsoftheWorld]

● Will Taylor Momsen and her band be making an appearance in the Dakota Fanning/Kristen Stewart Runaways bio-pic? According to her record contract, it would seem so. [TMZ] ● Want Slash’s most prized possession — his top hat? The famous guitarist has donated his signature accessory to benefit the Hollywood Arts. [SleazeRoxx] ● Beth Ditto has banned her girlfriend “Freddie” from going on tour with her to protect the latter’s identity and privacy from the overzealous British press. [NME]