As Certain As Death & Taxes: These Top 10 NYC Guarantees

Benjamin Franklin once said, “Nothing is certain except death and taxes,” and while I do quite admire the man (where would we be without bifocals?) – he’s wrong. In NYC, there are many other things we can be 100 percent certain of. I’ve gathered a list of this city’s top 10 occurrences that are bound to happen. And if they don’t happen, then you know the world is ending and you don’t need to buy a new laptop and summer clothes.

The Top 10 NYC Guarantees

1.    During a torrential downpour, you will wait for a cab for 15 minutes on a street corner, and the first cab driver you hail down will tell you he’s miraculously “not going” where you are.

2.    On a weekday evening, you will somehow find yourself in Times Square, and will be suddenly struck with intense feelings of despair about your life and disgust for plaid, knee-high, “tourist” socks.

3.     On every day of the week, there will be a line of pancake-craving, agitated NYers furiously texting, awaiting tables at Clinton St. Baking Company.

4.     You will wear all black.

5.     When you really need to get to where you’re going, when it’s really important that you make it on time, you will be on the subway that’s “delayed because of train traffic ahead of us.”

6.     When you’ve spent weekends inside watching movies on Netflix, you will vow to become “more cultured,” buy a ticket to a Broadway musical that’s based on a movie or band, think it’s awful, and go home and watch Netflix.

7.     You will end up sitting next to and talking to someone who is incredibly influential and successful, exchange emails, think your life has changed forever, and never hear back from them again.

8.     You will trip and fall in your heels on the cobblestone Meatpacking streets outside 1 Oak and Le Bain, and panic that people think you’re from New Jersey.

9.     For three months starting June 1st, the city will smell like hot piss.

10.   On a sunny Saturday while strolling Chelsea Piers, you will have a moment of blissful clarity and gratitude that you live here – until a guy/tranny on a bike  runs into you and yells “watch out, asshole.”

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The First Post This Year to Remind You About Taxes

Wesley Snipes is due to get out of prison this year, everybody! Soon action thrillers will be awesome again—he’s already signed on for The Expendables 3, Wikipedia would have us believe. But while one of the best blockbuster martial-arts actors of all time has learned his lesson about defrauding the IRS, you think you can still pull it off. That’s deterrence in action.

Yes, it’s the turn of February, so start panicking about remembering your TurboTax password. Or, you know, get a real accountant. You can probably pay him or her with the extra refund money you get as a result of not giving yourself a crash course in middle school math. Otherwise, you should have asked to be paid in cash, under the table, behind an abandoned factory, in Mexico.

Oh god. These jokes can’t keep the terror at bay: TAXES. You will have to get them done, somehow, though really how bad can it get if you don’t? There’s a good chance somebody already stole your Social Security number and filed. So that’s that taken care of. Now all you have to worry about is the Cayman Island account. Opening one, that is. 

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.