As Certain As Death & Taxes: These Top 10 NYC Guarantees

Benjamin Franklin once said, “Nothing is certain except death and taxes,” and while I do quite admire the man (where would we be without bifocals?) – he’s wrong. In NYC, there are many other things we can be 100 percent certain of. I’ve gathered a list of this city’s top 10 occurrences that are bound to happen. And if they don’t happen, then you know the world is ending and you don’t need to buy a new laptop and summer clothes.

The Top 10 NYC Guarantees

1.    During a torrential downpour, you will wait for a cab for 15 minutes on a street corner, and the first cab driver you hail down will tell you he’s miraculously “not going” where you are.

2.    On a weekday evening, you will somehow find yourself in Times Square, and will be suddenly struck with intense feelings of despair about your life and disgust for plaid, knee-high, “tourist” socks.

3.     On every day of the week, there will be a line of pancake-craving, agitated NYers furiously texting, awaiting tables at Clinton St. Baking Company.

4.     You will wear all black.

5.     When you really need to get to where you’re going, when it’s really important that you make it on time, you will be on the subway that’s “delayed because of train traffic ahead of us.”

6.     When you’ve spent weekends inside watching movies on Netflix, you will vow to become “more cultured,” buy a ticket to a Broadway musical that’s based on a movie or band, think it’s awful, and go home and watch Netflix.

7.     You will end up sitting next to and talking to someone who is incredibly influential and successful, exchange emails, think your life has changed forever, and never hear back from them again.

8.     You will trip and fall in your heels on the cobblestone Meatpacking streets outside 1 Oak and Le Bain, and panic that people think you’re from New Jersey.

9.     For three months starting June 1st, the city will smell like hot piss.

10.   On a sunny Saturday while strolling Chelsea Piers, you will have a moment of blissful clarity and gratitude that you live here – until a guy/tranny on a bike  runs into you and yells “watch out, asshole.”

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NY Happenings: Tax Day With Esquared Hospitality, Smokeline, Sycamore

MONDAY: Take it 1040 Easy With Discount Boozing
Celebrate your annual bloodletting for Uncle Sam with a drink rollback from Esquared Hospitality. Check out the desperate procrastinator fest at the Farley Post Office before heading over to Eventi’s nearby Big Screen Plaza. Drinks from Brighton and Humphrey are half-off, and the original Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory screens at 8pm. Sibling joints like BLT SteakBLT Prime, and BLT Fish will also be serving up beer, wine, and cocktails with a fatty 50-percent rebate.      

Enjoy half-off drinks from Esquared Hospitality at Brighton and Humphrey (851 Sixth Ave., Garment District) all day today, April 15th. To learn more about the restaurants, check out their listings above at BlackBook Guides.

THURSDAY: Rib-Sandwich Joint Opens Near Chelsea Market
Dan Delaney of BrisketTown drops a rib-focused stand along the High Line’s Chelsea Market Passage. Smokeline’s sandwiches take inspiration from Central Texas, and pies and bespoke sodas make Chelsea chilling all the sweeter.

Smokeline (Chelsea Market Passage on the High Line, Chelsea) opens Thursday, April 18th. To learn more about the stand, check out the listing at BlackBook Guides.

THURSDAY: First-Class Flights
Sycamore in Ditmas Park continues its Flight Night series with a visit from Frisco’s own Speakeasy Ales & Lagers. Flights of four brews will only set you back $8.

Speakeasy Flight Night at Sycamore (1118 Cortelyou Rd., Ditmas Park) is Thursday, April 18th. To learn more about the bar, check out the listing at BlackBook Guides.

Keep up with the latest openings & events in NYC by signing up for the weekly BlackBook Happenings email. Even better: download the BlackBook City Guides app for iPhone and Android and know every inch of this city.