International Emergency: Tom Cruise Parties At The Same Night Club As Tara Reid

We knew Tom Cruise was not the winner in his divorce from Kaite Holmes. But their split took a hard-right turn for the tragic this week when Tom partying at the same nightclub as Tara Reid in London.

Tom raised the roof at Annabels amongst odd amalgamation of celebs, Benecio Del Toro, American Pie‘s Thomas Ian Nicholas, and Pie co-star Tara Reid, who explained she was in town to support Nicholas’ band and hang out with Jedward. Allow me to repeat that last part: Tara Reid was in town to hang out with Jedward. Jedward, people.

Fortunately, Cruise and definite Suppressive Person Reid are not romantically linked (yet). ONTD claims Tom had dinner with an anonymous woman earlier in the evening: business meeting … or the next poor soul to be suckered in as a Scientology bride?

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter and Tumblr.

Afternoon Links: Kanye and Kim Give It A Go, Adrian Grenier Needs A New Grocery Store

Hunger Games date night turned into breakfast and then into lunch, and now it looks like things between Kim and Kanye might just work out after all. [Us]

● A Brazilian production company, RT Features, has purchased the film rights to Bob Dylan’s 1975 album Blood on the Tracks in hopes of creating "a classic drama with characters and an environment that capture the feelings that the album inspires in all fans." [RS]

● According to Tara Reid’s math, "almost everyone" has had plastic surgery. [PageSix]

● Snooki is designing a line of slippers for infants and children, because she is three months pregnant and a woman who love’s her comfy footwear. [Refinery29]

● Adrian Grenier ditched a work-shift and has been kicked out of his beloved Park Slope Food Coop. If he wants to continue with the "no special treatment" thing, we might suggest the Key Foods down the block. [NYDN]

● Last night’s Young Jeezy show in Toronto was cut short when gun shots ran out, leaving one man in serious but stable condition. Jeezy left unscathed and with the promise that he "will be back!"  [TorontoSun]

Morning Links: Hillary Duff Is Pregnant, Charlie Sheen Attends Gathering of the Juggalos

● Hillary Duff is pregnant. “We are extremely happy and ready to start this new chapter of our lives,” she writes on her website. [Hillary Duff] ● Five died and at least four dozen more were left injured when a stage collapsed at the Indiana State Fair minutes before Sugarland was scheduled to perform. It’s being suggested that the tragic accident was due, in part, to strong winds and thunderstorms. [AP/Huff Post] ● Tara Reid got engaged and then, just a few hours later, was married to her Danish businessman boyfriend Michael Lilleund in Greece over the weekend. Now that’s a vacation. [People]

● Nicki Minaj, who seems to be single-handedly reviving the art, gave her fake husband Drake a lap dance. [RapRadar] ● In a return to the small screen, Jennifer Aniston will join her father John Aniston for at least one episode of Days of Our Lives. She’s only asking $650 per episode, or $999,350 less than she made on Friends. [NYP] ● AMC has ordered BlackBook favorite Breaking Bad for a fifth and final 16-episode season. [Deadline] ● Charlie Sheen caught a flying Faygo can and led a “winning” chant at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Meanwhile, probably afraid of aforementioned flying Faygo and chanting, Busta Rhymes claimed someone had ordered him the wrong kind of pizza and refused to get off his tour bus. Seriously. [SOTC]

Tara Reid is Mistaken About ‘Big Lebowski 2’

Last week, Tara Reid announced in an interview that she would be reviving her role as Bunny Lebowski in a forthcoming Big Lebowski sequel. This news came as a surprise to everyone, including, apparently, the Coen brothers themselves, who have no intention of making said sequel. I’m glad she’s working on it,” Ethan Coen joked. “We’ll watch it when it comes out.”

Apparently Reid had heard Jeff Bridges mention the possibility in an interview, and got confused. Still, I can see the appeal for her. Reid’s career has swan-dived since the Big L. In fact, Lebowski is probably the only legitimately good fim she’s ever been in (I caught half of the original American Pie on TV the other day, and it didn’t particularly hold up.) Since then she’s been involved in a series of failures, including the infamous failed boob job that made her the laughing stock of the nip-slip set, and prompted both a corrective boob job, and the most photo-shopped Playboy spread since they airbrushed out Latoya Jackson’s penis.

Even five years ago I would have said that instead of a full-on Lebowski reunion, Reid should simply revive her character Bunny for a XXX series in which she finally makes good on her original proposition to Jeff Bridges. But sadly, even the time for that has passed.

August 6: People Who Had a Worse Week Than You

This Lonely Drunk Dialer Listen, we’ve all been guilty of drunk dialing or texting. How do you think Texts From Last Night became so popular? I can empathize. But Bernadette Music, 43, of Norwood, Ohio went overboard after downing a few too many white wine spritzers at home alone. She dialed 9-1-1 “four or five times” asking dispatchers to help her find luck in love. Maybe 9-1-1 was the only number she knew by heart? She then proceeded to use her apartment complex as a toilet and urinated in the hallway. Music was arrested on counts of disorderly conduct while intoxicated and spent three days in jail. I’m guessing she was too embarrassed to call anyone to bail her out. Major life low point.

This Poor Man’s Lindsay Lohan Remember Tara Reid? Most pop culture followers have been investing in therapy sessions and hypnosis to remove mental images of her botched boobs and tummy tuck, neither of which apparently keept her from living in a bikini at paparazzi-infested beaches in ’06. Have no fear, America’s White Trash Princess is back. The 34 year old was planning on getting hitched to Michael Axtmann, a German entrepreneur (nice catch, Tara!). But then he saw her naked. Engagement dropped. She’s now shacking up with dudes to pay her way in St. Tropez and making out with Dennis Rodman. In Touch compared her behavior to an “out-of-control college student”. Classy!

Entrepreneurial Kids Seven-year-old Julie Murphy has the same ambition that all kids have: make enough cash so that I’ll never have to ask my parents for anything and I can move out before I’m 18. Sure, it takes most of us until our early teenage years to fully grasp the importance of this concept (and most of us until our mid-30s to follow through with it), but Julie’s a smart cookie. Unfortunately, the Multnomah County Health Department in Portland doesn’t respect cute seven year olds who love capitalism. Julie and her mom traveled to an art fair last week and set up a lemonade stand where the little girl was selling drinks for 50 cents a pop. They were almost immediately shut down by the Health Department. “It’s a perfect storm of potential foodborne illness,” says Jessica Guernsey, hater of all things adorable and the health department’s program manager. “You’ve got a lot of people, a lot of food being produced and there are not sufficient portable bathrooms or food sanitation stands.” Luckily, the fear of bureaucratic b.s. can’t keep Julie down. She’s turning her life’s lemons into lemonade and plans to open a stand at a yard sale in the near future. Suck on that, Health Department.

25 of Playboy’s Worst Cover Models

Since its inception in 1953, Playboy has been the gift that keeps on giving to men around the world. However, that’s not to say that every Playboy model has been as sizzlingly attractive as Joana Krupa. In fact, sometimes Playboy sets its sights on sad, attention-starved starlets simply for the PR. Take Tara Reid, for example. Her spread will draw in many readers more interested in the train wreck than the scintillation. Similarly, sometimes Playboy snags some real hotties, but only gives us a small slither of nudity pie – not exactly what “readers” are seeking from the magazine. As 2009 draws to a close, we decided now is as appropriate of a time as ever to compile some of Playboy’s worst cover girls in the mag’s history. Of course, for the record, we’d probably still sleep with them all.

image

La Toya Jackson (March 1989)

Known mostly for her scandals through the 80s and 90s, her personal drama eclipses her haphazard “career.” It’s a small wonder that she would lend credibility to the sexual abuse allegations against her brother Michael. For the first time in her life, she wasn’t the bad Jackson. To make matters worse, the bleached skin in her Playboy spread made her resemble her infamous brother.

image

Lisa Guerrero (January 2006)

If there are two things that men love, it’s sports and women. But they also love a third thing: full nudity. Unfortunately, Lisa didn’t deliver on the naked. Readers were more likely to get aroused by a lingerie catalog than her issue. I’m not saying I haven’t used a JC Penney catalog when I was desperate, but come on Playboy! I expect more from you.

image

Paris Hilton (March 2005)

Because of her excessive privileges, careless antics, and air headed comments, those in the world who don’t hate Paris Hilton are few and far in between. Chances are that even Tiger Woods has a higher approval amongst the Swedes. Not only was her Playboy spread undesirable, but it was also completely unnecessary. After all, a much more graphic videotape of Paris was only a click away.

image

Jessica Alba (March 2006)

Jessica Alba stands out as an exception on this list. While she’s certainly gorgeous enough to honor Playboy with her presence, she never actually consented to appearing in it. The cover itself was a poorly photoshopped image from her 2005 movie, Into The Blue. This ultimately sparked a lawsuit, which was later dropped after an apology from Hugh Hefner. Lawsuits are not sexy.

image

Tara Reid (January/February 2010)

Recently, Playboy seems intent on showcasing C-listers, has-beens, and washed up actresses. Tara Reid falls under all three categories. This once-for-a-brief-period-of-time hot Hollywood starlet was in demand 10 years prior to her Playboy cover shoot. Her brief stint on E!’s “Wild On” rendered her a professional drinker, a profession that has steadily taken its toll. A botched-up liposuction gave her stomach the appearance of a shrunken prune. Tara Reid is a perfect example of the old adage “too much of anything is bad.” This doesn’t exclude plastic surgery.

image

Joan Laurer (November 2000)

Chyna’s (Joan Laurer) first foray into Playboy was one of the best selling issues of all time. However, the majority of consumers weren’t convinced that she was a woman. Playboy apparently didn’t care, as they invited her for another spread.

image

Kendra Wilkinson, Holly Madison, Bridget Marquardt (March 2008)

One of the great things about Playboy is that you don’t have to hear the airhead models talk. Even if they say something stupid in a Q & A, you can simply ignore the text and look at the boobs. This is not the case with television, and it’s the primary reason why “The Girls Next Door” is such an annoying show. You have to listen to every stupid thing the bimbos say, and there is no nudity to make up for it. Once you’ve heard such stupidity, it’s hard to put the genie back in the bottle. So when Playboy put "The Girls Next Door" on the cover, all people could think to themselves was "Shut the hell up you vacuous neighbors!"

image

Darva Conger (August 2000)

Remember that game show “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?” The show itself was a beauty pageant where women competed to wed a millionaire. Controversy ignited when the winning contestant, Darva Conger, remained married for only 3 days before annulling her marriage. What made matters worse was the revelation that Rick Rockwell, the alleged millionaire, not only wasn’t rich, but had a restraining order filed against him by a previous girlfriend. After the uproar died down slightly, Conger consented to a Playboy spread under the premise of giving the world a glimpse of what Rockwell didn’t see. Conger wasn’t exactly bad looking, but neither was she Playboy material.

image

Marge Simpson (November 2009)

Let’s get one thing straight: Marge is about as hot as cartoon characters come. But Playboy gets the thumbs down on this one since they were basically just ripping off Maxim’s 2004 spread of the luscious Springfield native. It’s impossible to skim through this issue without feeling like a weirdo, and one with a blue-hair fetish, no less.

image

Carol Alt (December 2008)

Yes, Carol Alt was gorgeous and still is for her age. However, some models should have a nude expiration date. After declining to pose for Playboy for decades, the mag should’ve turned her down in 2008 for acting like the former prom queen who only shows interest in the geek once she’s past her prime.

image

Amanda Beard (July 2007)

There are a number of female athletes out there, but few attractive ones. The reason? Well, to be frank, because exercise “masculinizes” their bodies. Such was the case for Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard. With shoulders like hers, it’s difficult not to associate her with the cross dressers lingering around Hollywood Boulevard.

image

Heidi Montag (September 2009)

Aside from Paris Hilton, Montag probably stands as the second most hated woman in America. Her hubby, fellow “Hills” reality star Spenser Pratt, is perhaps third on the list. While Montag is attractive in that uber Hollywood sort of way, the reality TV diva doesn’t even appear nude in the spread. For shame, Playboy.

image

Caroline Cossey (October 1985)

Yes, this former Bond Girl was beautiful. Yes, there are a lot of people who would still find her desirable in spite of her once well-kept secret (that she’s really a dude). But as a general rule of thumb, it’s easier to fawn over Playboy models when you know they haven’t changed genders at some point in their lives.

image

Sandra Bernhard (September 1992)

Speaking of trannies, here’s Sandra Bernhard. No one in their right mind wanted to see Sandra naked. Everything from her gap-toothed smile to her lopsided chin is more than likely to kill the mood rather than spice it up. But hey, she’s funny, right? Oh, wait, she isn’t.

image

Patti Davis (July 1994)

Another woman famous for being famous, President Reagen’s daughter undoubtedly graced Playboy’s pages in a bid to rebel against her parents. While she’s in the upper crust of attractive first families throughout history, she was never really suited to win beauty pageants. But again, we certainly wouldn’t kick Davis out of bed.

image

Kira Kener, Dagmar Kozelkova, Tera Patrick (March 2002)

Readers accustomed to Playboy shouldn’t feel an aversion to pornography. However, this spread was just downright trashy. Besides, if you wanted to see these three porn stars naked, you could just see them in action with a quick Google video search.

image

Faye Resnick (March 1997)

Playboy seemed intent on chronicling everything wrong with the 90s. Resnick served as a key witness in the O.J. Simpson trial, alleging that Simpson stalked his ex-wife in the days leading up to her murder. Not one to let a good murder go to waste, Resnick posed in a Playboy spread after the trial ended, showing off the worst plastic surgery money could buy.

image

Jerri Manthey (September 2001)

Like many Playboy cover girls, curiosity about Jerri Manthey fueled sales more than her attractiveness. While most people build careers based on hard work and talent, Manthey distinguished herself through reality television. While she stood out during her time on “Survivor: The Australian Outback,” Playboy would have been just fine if she stayed in the bush.

image

Shannen Doherty (December 2003)

Shannen Doherty appeared in Playboy multiple times: once in 1993, twice in 1994, and thrice in 2003. No one’s going to deny that she was attractive in the early 90s, and that she’s still a looker for her age, but her latest appearance was past her point of relevancy. Not only is “Beverly Hills: 90210” off the air, but she hasn’t starred in a hit since then. If the so-so TV show "Charmed" rejects you, you shouldn’t be Playboy material.

image

Jessica Canseco (September 2005)

It really says something about you when your claim to fame is nothing more than your previous marriage to juiced up athlete Jose Canseco. It says even more about you when you milk it for every cent. Talk about losing a battle with dignity.

image

Anna Faris (September 2008)

No one’s arguing that Ana Faris isn’t cute. However, what separates Playboy from every other men’s magazine is its share of tasteful nudity. There was none of that in this issue. The bland cover was matched with an equally bland spread that looked like something straight out of US Weekly.

image

Sarah Kozer (June 2003)

Kozer was the runner-up on the “Joe Millionaire” reality series. Much like “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire,” the premise of the show was to focus on a group of women slobbering over a man’s alleged riches. Kozer stands as a moderately attractive photoshopped cover girl who was lost to obscurity after her 15 seconds climaxed. The article’s headline, "What Joe Millionaire Missed," neglects to realize that Joe Millionaire most likely picked up a copy of the article himself.

image

The Women of Enron (August 2002)

Hey, remember that horrible financial scandal where thousands of people lost their jobs? The first thing I thought when I heard about that was, “when am I gonna see those sad unemployed ladies naked?" The answer: right away (probably because they needed the money). Taking advantage of one of 2002’s biggest news stories, Playboy offered former and current Enron employees a chance to become cover models. Many entered the contest, but it was humanity that lost.

image

Lisa Rinna (May 2009)

Plastic surgery can work wonders, but not for everyone. No amount of Photoshop could mask what this “Days of our Lives” star willingly paid to have done to herself. Good lord, how can she get any food past those ginormous lips?

image

Tuuli Shipster and Kiera Gormley (October 2009)

While these two models aren’t bad looking by any means, they don’t really belong in Playboy. Truth be told, the real reason they made the cover is because Playboy was trying to cash in on the Twilight-induced Vampire fad. There’s something very wrong about mixing Playboy and a movie aimed at 12-year-old girls.

Links: Tara Reid’s Playboy Defense, KStew Halts Mom’s Flick

● John Mayer brought some Christmas d-bag cheer to the Ellen DeGeneres show, wearing an ironic Christmas sweater and doing an impression of his six-year-old self at Xmas. [JustJared] ● Tara Reid is showing us her dilapidated fun bags in Playboy so we’ll finally stop making fun of them. No such luck. [ET] ● Is Robert Pattinson stepping out on KStew, with co-star Emilie de Ravin? Say it isn’t so! It isn’t so. The duo were seen feigning a romantic date at LACMA for an upcoming shoot for Vogue. [E!]

● Speaking of, Twilight has made Kristen Stewart such a Hollywood power player that she can pump the brakes on her own mom’s film, which she is set to star in. [DigitalSpy] ● Cirque du Soleil is about to blow our minds (yet again) with a show about…Elvis. Viva Elvis won’t actually feature the King though, no doubt infuriating the 1,658 Elvis impersonators in Vegas. [LAT] ● Alexander Skarsgard’s alter-ego Eric will be getting a new lust interest on True Blood. Natasha Alam will play Yvetta, his own private dancer at Fangtasia. [EW]

National Treasure Tara Reid Follows Heidi Montag to ‘Playboy’

Playboy inspires me to conduct long, drawn-out conversations with myself. So much so that the other day, I found myself thinking aloud, “Hey! You know who’s long overdue for some kind of a comeback?” And I remarked, “Tara Reid!” And blammo! She’s crash-landed on the cover of Playboy‘s January/February issue. “Blammo” may also best describe the fallen starlet’s bodacious bust. Regardless, after a couple misfires with that creepy Marge Simpson “shoot” and the creepier Heidi Montag spread, the man mag may finally be edging near some sort of creative rebirth.

Tara Reid is exactly the quality bimbo that Playboy should be aspiring for. With her remarkable joie de vivre and celebrated body of work, Reid inspires men to look for only the most virtuous of traits in women. Word has it that if you are to actually purchase the magazine, you are treated to a view of Reid’s breasts. If you are into that sort of thing. MASSIVE DOUBLE ISSUE screams one of the cover lines, if you weren’t convinced about the massiveness of Reid’s “issues.”

Though nobody may know what to make of her get-up on the cover. But alas, that is the nature of La Reid: Deep, complex, and layered. Also: Did you know that Playboy still features fiction? Fun!

Links: Kanye West Pro Homo, Tara Reid Engaged

● Kanye West can be blamed for a lot of things, but spreading homophobia in hip hop is not one of them. According to Fergie, West is “completely gay-friendly … he did a great thing for hip-hop and made it very mixed and open.” [MTV] ● Robert Pattinson is embarrassed about those Megan Fox dating rumors because the fake details of their date were so “cheesy.” [OK] ● Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is taking a page out of her sister’s handbook and starting a clothing line that will show off her “preppy and punk rock” style because she thinks she can “really succeed in fashion.” [DigitalSpy]

● We all know Eva Mendes is hot, and she certainly knows it, which is why she “turn[s] up the heat” when she needs to and uses her “sexuality” in her roles. [Foxnews] ● Tara Reid is engaged to a German billionaire? Going by that gigantic pink diamond on her ring finger, it looks like she and new boyfriend Michael Axtmann are getting hitched. [DailyTelegraph] ● Dane Cook wants to sink his comedic-acting claws into the Riddler for the third installment of the latter-day Batman movies; Cook adds he’d love to play the character “Heath Ledge”’ style — i.e. dark but funny. [MTV]