● Conrad Murray’s trial kicked off to a grim start yesterday with a photo of Michael Jackson’s dead body stretched out on a hospital gurney, an eerie recording of Jackson mumbling, “I want them to say, ‘I’ve never seen nothing like this in my life,’ ‘he’s the greatest entertainer of all time,'” and tears all around. [LAT] ● Apparently Kourtney Kardashian’s beau, Scott Disick, doesn’t do so bad for himself in the down-under department (“It’s like an elephant’s trunk!”), and Kim thinks he needs some new underwear (“This is freaking me out!”). [xoJane] ● Apparently Spencer Pratt owes so much money that his agents don’t even bother answering his phone calls anymore. Did he buy too many crystals? Not enough crystals? [Huff Post]
● Gwyenth Paltrow rang in her 39th year with a nice birthday dinner double-date with her husband Chris Martin and their best friends Beyoncé and Jay-Z. [JustJared] ● Roman Polanski debuted his tell-all doc about his life under house-arrest at the Zurich Film Festival yesterday. In it, he apologizes to the young woman he sexually assaulted for making her “a double victim: my victim and a victim of the press.” [THR] ● The most tabloidy of tabloids are reporting that Jessica Simpson — who has been known to fluctuate weight — is pregnant because, lately, she’s been wearing more flowing tops than usual. [Celebuzz]
● Selena Gomez checked into a hospital complaining of “nausea and a severe headache” after her appearance on The Tonight Show. Jay Leno gives us migraines, too. #getwellsoonselena [DailyMail] ● Last night was a big one for live-tweet aficionados: there were a lot of theater jokes, a lot of basketball jokes, and a lot of jokes about all the bad jokes. The Book of Mormon won nine Tonys, and on the court, the Mavericks beat Lebron James and the Miami Heat, taking home their first championship trophy (and some cool wide-brims). [NYT/NYT] ● Demi Lovato’s worst-life-ever continues, with her mom now in rehab and her boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama, now her ex. Sometimes things don’t get better… [Page Six]
● Lilly Allen walked down the aisle with her pregnant belly on full display last weekend for her wedding to Sam Cooper, where she announcing that she is, once again, pregnant. [DailyMail] ● Spencer Pratt is trying to dump his “midnight metallic-blue” monster truck on eBay, and not because he and Heidi need the money. No, just because it “gets too much attention driving a monster truck around L.A.,” and really, who would want all that attention? [TMZ] ● Taylor Momsen might like that attention! Here she is flashing a festival audience in England. She just can’t get enough. [ONTD]
● After two failed drug tests, a judge issued an arrest warrant for Lindsay Lohan and revoked her probation, scheduling a Friday hearing to decide her fate. [HuffPo] ● Mad Men‘s Elisabeth Moss has filed for divorce from her husband, SNL star Fred Armisen, who may have upset Moss by not being a Scientologist or Don Draper. [ET] ● Spencer Pratt shaving his beard should have been directed by Wes Craven. [Celebuzz]
● Katy Perry’s boobs stopped by Sesame Street to teach Elmo all about motorboating. Like, toy boats! Model boats! You know. [Vulture] ● Hayden Panettiere will play Amanda Knox, the American girl convicted of murder while studying abroad in Italy. In a twist, Panettiere is best known for shampoo commercials. [Deadline] ● Kanye West will appear on the October 2 episode of Saturday Night Live, where they will tell jokes all night about Taylor Swift and the time he said, “Fuck SNL and the whole the cast.” [Movieline]
● Though we’ve heard before that Paris Hilton may use her private parts to hide drugs, never have we heard the story in such detail and with Girls Gone Wild‘s Joe Francis as Hilton’s co-star. [Gawker] ● A former Britney Spears bodyguard claims he was sexually harassed by the singer, that she exposed herself and yelled at him for taking too long with her Slurpee. Really. [AP] ● Who is the greatest diva of the last quarter century: Whitney, Mariah, Mary J? Gaga?! [The Awl]
● Spencer Pratt insisted that divorce is difficult and he needed to do some soul-searching in an apology to his soon-to-be ex-wife Heidi Montag. But instead of telling her, he told a national magazine, which may be part of the problem. [People] ● Rich Cronin, he of “Chinese food makes me sick” LFO fame, has passed away at age 35 after a long battle with lukemia. [TMZ]
● Kiefer Sutherland had a rough night at a bar; Dilbert had a tough day at work. [Page Six]
● Though their impending divorce may signal the End Times, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt will not go away. Spencer has a girl-on-girl sex tape starring Heidi and Playboy‘s Karissa Shannon. Convenient! [TMZ] ● Meanwhile, on Twitter, Heidi reached out to her old pal Lauren Conrad with something resembling an apology: “you were right! Spencer is sooooo[…]ooo[…]ooo sucky!!!” [Twitter] ● Wyclef Jean will not stop running for president. No means no. [Vulture]
● Steamy (bloody?) True Blood stars Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin were married on Saturday. Alexander Skarsgard was not the best man. [Us Weekly] ● Bill O’Reilly thinks Justin Bieber is “gross” because Bill “wanted to be a baseball player” when he was 16, not “hang around with Kim Kardashian.” But at least he’s not gay, right? [Vulture] ● Betty White won an early Emmy for her appearance on Saturday Night Live. Everyone is avoiding calling her life “complete.” [HuffPo]
● O.J. Simpson’s old lawyer, Robert Shapiro, will now be representing America’s new Most Wanted: Lindsay Lohan. White Bronco is what she calls cocaine, though. [TMZ] ● Joaquin Phoenix’s highly anticipated documentary about his life as a rapper has a release date. Slated for September, it’s unfortunately before the end of the world. [Deadline] ● Whoopi Goldberg will not stop defending Mel Gibson. [PopEater]
● With Edward Norton thrown by the wayside, Mark Ruffalo is poised to become the next Incredible Hulk. He’ll just have to spend the next few months bench pressing his wife. [NYP] ● In order to attend the The Hills series finale party, Spencer Pratt wore a wig and fake white beard, obviously fooling everyone. [HuffPo] ● Kelly Osbourne and her fiance, whom no one has ever heard of, have split amid reports that he cheated. He’s 20 years old, making him 13 when Kelly became a reality television star. [People]
● Spencer Pratt called former Hills friend Audrina Patridge’s plastic surgery “nasty” before going off on Ke$ha and Jwoww, another member of the nasty surgery club… of which Spencer’s wife Heidi Montag is queen. [Celebuzz] ● With a bunch of sexual assault allegations surfacing about action ‘star’ Steven Seagal, the best is him telling Jenny McCarthy to “sit on my couch.” She responded, “Rent my Playboy video, you asshole.” If only every girl was so lucky. [PopEater] ● Can’t be unseen (for a bunch of Catholics in Oklahoma): Jesus with a really big… you know the old joke — let’s just say he’s hung like this. [Crooks and Liars]
● According to an ex-employee, producers on Oprah’s show survived on “15 46-ounce Diet ‘Cokes,’ six double cappuccino coffees, smoked three packs of cigarettes.” Apparently, ‘Coke’ was actually ‘Pepsi,’ but Oprah is some sort of child-woman, so she didn’t need to know. [Gawker] ● Really we’d be more worried if Kiefer Sutherland wasn’t drunk and getting thrown out of clubs at 4 a.m. [Page Six] ● Guys, we missed National High Five Day. Let’s start planning for next year. [NHFD]
As Courtney Alice Shayne once said in Jawbreaker, “Life’s a bitch, then you die.” Today of all days find that maxim to ring so loud as to dig irreversibly into our ears so that we may never be able to shake the truth of the statement from our heads. Take this horrible juxtaposition of two facts. Fact: Marriage equality is dead in most of the country! Fact: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have just celebrated their first anniversary of splashing around in the straights-only marriage pool. It’s an epic occasion. So momentous for the pair that they’re celebrating it apart from one another. Huh?
“My spirit will be with my wife, but my body will be ringside at my business partner’s [boxing match],” Pratt told Jimmy Kimmel. But Montag rebuffed, “I’ll take his credit card, be in Beverly Hills shopping, and never look back.” Seriously? Buuuut, the tragedy continues! “And I have three puppies, so I’ll take them. I like cooking more for them anyway.” Goddammit, Montag. That’s eye-gougingly depressing. That’s called a Friday night in for any even-tempered spinster. Oh, Heidi. You should’ve Anna Nicole Smith-ed it and married a decrepit oil tycoon banging on death’s door. Especially if you couldn’t even earn a ribwich with fries on your first anniversary as a married couple.
A strange and scary thing happened over the later part of last week. Spencer Pratt started following me on Twitter. Then late into the next night, as I was negotiating my e-mails after a steady flow of Long Island Iced Teas, I was filled with a more conflicted combination of terror and giddy excitement when I found out that Heidi Montag started following me. Full disclosure: My Twitter is nothing but an exercise in non sequiturs, superfluous hashtagging, and notes to self. So why anyone, friends or uncelebrities, would want a running stream of 140 character bursts of my melodrama is beyond me. Perhaps this was Speidi’s way of keeping up with at least one half of their vanity, as Montag at least has a prolific backstory here. So consider this then making up for some overdue crumbs that Pratt’s ego has long been clawing for.
Although when your wife is a truant gay rights advocate (we still need to have a chat about Maine, Montag), it might not be a good thing that the only comment that can be mustered is a groan of disappoint when everyone learns that you still intend to replicate.
Apparently on a preview of tonight’s episode of The Hills (which isn’t a documentary about sherpa love in the Himalayas), Pratt is apparently so afraid at the possibility of having to raise children that he considers a vasectomy. This is unfortunately not a dial-in program like American Idol, so pressing “1” or “2” into our touch-tone phones will not encourage or dissuade him from having the procedure done. Ultimately, the permanence of the procedure is what sent him running back to the … hills, I guess. And upon learning that her husband was investigating such illicit and ungodly medical options, is none too pleased. Like how we were none too pleased when she misappropriated a Yazoo sample.