The first thing I want to read on my Apple iPad is the forthcoming memoir Teenage Millionaire by DeAndre Cortez Way a.k.a. Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em a.k.a. Soulja Boy, the 19-year-old ringtone phenomenon. The book is coming out on July 28th, according to his Twitter, so that should give me plenty of time to save up for Steve Jobs’ life-changing device and the digital copy of the book. In fact, maybe they’ll just give away copies with the product because Soulja Boy’s second album was called iSouljaBoyTellem, making him an ideal partner for Apple. Speaking of ideal, who better to write a book about being a teenage millionaire than the youngest person to write, perform and produce a number one song — “Crank That (Soulja Boy),” the one with all the YouTube videos? On the other hand, one time he wrote the lyrics, “Ayyy Soulja Boy chillin’ dog/ I just got my report card/ Looked at it, all F’s/ Took it to the teacher desk/ (Throw some D’s on that bitch).” And, uh, he’s just not famous enough.
(‘’)Soulja Boy’s book comes from a long line of unjustified, definitely-ghostwritten tomes from stars who have no business speaking to a public, let alone writing something and expecting people to purchase it in exchange for real money. Miley Cyrus has an autobiography called Miles to Go and she is recently 17-years-old. 50 Cent has multiple books, including The 50th Law. In fact, Best Week Ever counted down the 30 Worst Autobiography Pun Titles, including Lance Bass’ Out of Sync and Tori Spelling’s sTori Telling. Does anyone buy these things? Certainly not if they’re written by Soulja Boy. None of the aforementioned celebs have any insight on anything — beyond duping publishers and apparently fans — but they’re at least recognizable. Let’s be honest: It would likely be difficult for you to pick Soulja Boy out of a line-up of one, unless his name was on his hat or shirt or chain. But bad autobiographies probably aren’t stopping anytime soon, so here’s a brief list of the top 5 people whose book would sell better than Teenage Millionaire:
5. Chesley Burnett “Sully” Sullenberger III. The man landed a plane in the Hudson River and the book deal is imminent. Anyone have a release date?
4. Noah Cyrus. She is Miley’s little sis and only 9-years-old, but has the gossip blogs in a tizzy with her performances of Akon’s “Smack That” and Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok.” That’s a prodigy.
3. Heidi Montag. Her album only moved 658 copies in its first week, but that’s because it was hard to make out her words through the auto-tune. This sort of pure wisdom is best served straight-to-paperback.
2. Elizabeth Edwards. In Resilience, she had to pretend she still cared about John; imagine the shit she can sling now that they’re finally getting a divorce.
1. Your elementary school music teacher. Just think of the hilarious anecdotes: Little Tommy drooled on his recorder! Suzy’s hair tangled in her violin strings! And life lessons for all.