It’s funny how slutiness + time = history. One minute your breasts are on display for all the world to ogle, the next minute your outdated one-piece swimsuit is in the Smithsonian for all the world to wax nostalgic over while scrolling their iPhones for missed calls. This is exactly the case with icon of sex and screen and hair Farrah Fawcett, who recently passed away, leaving behind a heartbroken gang of Charlie’s Angels enthusiasts. Fawcett’s longtime companion Ryan O’Neal just donated the star’s famous red swimsuit, as well as other Angels paraphernalia, to the Smithsonian’s Popular Culture History Collection. This got me thinking about what other contemporary cultural artifacts should be preserved for future fawning. How do we decide what’s important? If Fawcett’s swimsuit is History, is Pam Anderson’s Baywatch bathing attire just tarted-up marginalia? After the jump, check out a few of my selections for a future Smithsonian exhibit.
1. OJ Simpson’s Glove Who can forget Johnny Cochran’s “If the glove don’t fit you must acquit“? Easily the most important rhyming couplet of the 20th century, and it’s all thanks to a stupid blood glove. Oh, also, OJ was wearing the glove when he
killed didn’t kill Nicole. Definitely an important part of history.
2. Lady Gaga’s Meat Dress I don’t think this is a particularly important item for what it was intended to represent, which is still unclear, but rather for what it ultimately signifies: the apex of idiocy in the early part of the 21st century. Plus, it will literally smell like 2010. (Unless they dry it out and make it into beef jerky.)
3. The Actual Box from “Dick in a Box“ I don’t care whether Justin Timberlake actually put his penis in the box or just pretended to. This box is of supreme historical significance. What better way to remember the impetus behind the Great Flashing Frenzy of 2009?
4. The Suri Cruise Umbilical Cord Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure Tom Cruise ate it. Scientologists do stuff like that right? Poor Katie. Poor Suri. One day this will all be history.
5. MC Hammer’s Pants Think about how funny bellbottoms seem now (or even skinny jeans), and imagine how hilarious these will in fifty years.
6. Dan Brown’s Laptop “This is the machine that ruined literature forever and turned the world into idiots.”
7. Bill Clinton’s Cigar Do you realize there are children born today who’ve never even heard of Monica Lewinsky? This cigar must be saved, a talisman of the days of economic security, when our biggest problem was who are president was penetrating with bound tobacco. The future will never believe it.
8. Lindsey Lohan’s Hymen To prove that she was once an innocent. Plus, I’m sure her psycho parents totally have it locked in a safe somewhere, ready for when eBay comes a-calling.
9. Sarah Palin Embalm that bitch and put her on display. Let’s make sure history doesn’t repeat itself.