Listen to Jake Gyllenhaal Read You ‘The Great Gatsby’

In case you were worried about clamoring to finally read The Great Gatsby or were simply looking to brush up on a beloved text before May 12th, never to fear—Jake Gyllenhaal will read it for you. In conjunction with Baz Luhrmann’s highly-anticipate and lavish adaptation of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel waltzing into theaters soon enough, there’s a new audiobook version of the original material for you to feast your ears on. Described as "a series of definitive recordings of the Fitzgerald canon in association with the Fitzgerald Estate," the Gyllenhaal-version is set to debut May 7th. In addition, Tender is the Night and The Love of the Last Tycoon are also apparently up for a new audio tracking, although which actor will take on those works is still a mystery.

But before we listen to Gatsby, let’s look back on some other celebrities who have lent their voices to great audio books.

Jeremy Irons, Lolita

Alan Rickman, The Return of the Native

Orson Welles, Moby Dick

Sissy Spacek, To Kill a Mockingbird

Ryan Murphy Hints at Third Season of ‘American Horror Story’

I gave up on American Horror Story: Asylum around the time that Anne Frank showed up, because when Anne Frank shows up to the party, it’s time for me to leave. I think that’s a pretty fair mantra! But, since I loved the first season of the show, and since the next season will have a completely new cast and story line, I figured there’s still a chance that it’s worth watching. And luckily, Jessica Lange will return to her new BFF Ryan Murphy’s crazy-ass fever nightmare. 

Murphy is slated to sit down with the show’s writers to come up with a third season story line next week, but he’s already dropped some hints about what’s up there in that brain of his:

Season three is “really about female power,” Murphy said, adding that the enigmatic figure next year (i.e. Rubber Man and Bloody Face) will also be female. So far, Lange, Sarah Paulson, and Evan Peters have all signed to return. “I got Jessica to do it because I did everything she asked … and I also told her she will have hair, makeup, and the best designer gowns ever made. She’s going to play a real glamour cat sort of lady.” Murphy said he’s currently reaching out to several actors who Lange asked to work with, but wouldn’t say who they are. “She’s sort of become an uncredited producer now,” he said.

A glamour cat? Like Grizabella?! I’m sold! Also, I’m crossing my fingers pretty hard that Lange wants to reunite with her Crimes of the Heart sisters, Diane Keaton and Sissy Spacek. Hell, Ryan Murphy should just hire me to cast this show already. I’ll pretend that I don’t hate The New Normal, I promise! 

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‘Carrie’ Remake Gets Pushed Back for a Fall Release

Whether you’re a devout fan of Stephen King’s novel or Brian De Palma’s haunting 1976 film, the modern remastering of Carrie is sure to be anticipated. As Hollywood is wont to do, audiences are in store for a new spin on the cult classic of a shy high school outcast who taps into her newly discovered telekinetic powers to exact revenge on her bullying schoolmates. Helmed by Boys Don’t Cry director Kimberly Peirce, the film—which was previously set for a March release—has now been pushed back to next fall.

The October opening only makes sense, allowing the premiere to coincide with horror-mania leading up to Halloween, garnering a larger audience while building hype surrounding the project. For a girl of only fifteen, Chloe Mortez, who holds the titular role, has played some pretty fierce and diverse characters; so it will be interesting to see how she fares followng in Sissy Spacek’s iconic footsteps. With Julianne Moore and Judy Greer rounding out the cast, the talent is there, but in any case, it would be difficult to top the bloody gorgeous De Palma original.

Check out the new poster and official teaser for the film.

carrie

Charli XCX, Brooke Candy and… Honey Boo-Boo?

Misery loves company, and sometimes the best company can be found in watching other people go through the same things you have on TV, but in a shiny, overexaggerated sort of way. So what better imagery to accompany a song about a relationship gone sour than images of heartbroken television and movie characters? English singer Charli XCX and rapper Brooke Candy (who you may remember from Grimes’ "Genesis" video) joined forces for XCX’s dark and sublime single "Cloud Aura" and its video, released today. In the black-and-white clip, singer and rapper wander interspersed with clips of recognizable and visibly distraught pop culture figures, including Lauren Conrad of The Hills, Zooey Deschanel, Dianna Agron and Britney Spears, as well as Sissy Spacek in Carrie and Honey Boo Boo, who doesn’t look particularly heartbroken, unless it’s over Glitzy the Pig. Also, Pikachu makes a brief appearance. 

UK filmmaker Ryan Andrews, who typically operates more in the horror realm, directed the clip. Watch. 

My Editor Is Wrong About ‘Silver Linings Playbook’

As a writer for this august publication of record, it is my sad and solemn duty to report upon all of my editor’s gravest errors. In this case, it is his willful dismissal and obstreperous refusal to see the relative merit and entertainment value in Silver Linings Playbook (2012), which is so totally good enough to kill a few hours with, so watch your mouth, Tyler.

My esteemed editor registered his disgust on his personal Tumblr before bragging about his remarkable state of domestic bliss at present:

Ten minutes into this movie, I thought, “What the hell is this shit?” Five minutes later, Andrew turned to me and said, “I hate this.” We left about an hour later. 

True love is sharing a hatred for overrated Oscar-bait movies, you guys.

First of all, “Oscar-bait”? The last thirty-odd Best Picture winners have been overwrought melodramas, not screwball romantic comedies. [Ed. note: "screwball?" More like blue balls. Also, please review Shakespeare in Love, Chicago, and last year’s winner, The Artist.] Secondly: you left an hour after you both agreed you hated it? Seats must have been pretty comfortable, dude. [Ed. note: We were in the front row. Perhaps that added to my discomfort? That and the choppy, extreme close-ups that David O. Russell employed foolishly.] Feels like you might as well have stuck it out to the end, where it becomes the exact kind of movie you like! [Ed. note: So, like, Wet Hot American Summer? Coal Miner’s Daughter? DO EITHER JANEANE GAROFALO OR SISSY SPACEK SHOW UP?] (Am I kidding? You’ll have to watch to find out.)

In conclusion, I’m not entirely sure what this man expected from the director of Flirting With Disaster, Three Kings, and ♥ Huckabees. [Ed. note: Solid point. None of those are particularly good, either.] I thought Silver Linings Playbook was slighter than these but slotted neatly into the oeuvre itself, delivering the philosophical laughs and credible absurdities I’ve come to associate with David O. Russell’s work, and I certainly can’t see what in it would so offend as to drive one from the theater. [Ed. note: Well, there was the whole thing where Jennifer Lawrence was playing a role that could have gone to Miley Cyrus or, hell, Juliette Lewis if it came out fifteen years ago. Both would be similarly competent at delivering lines in which they explain their feelings rather than bothering to subtely show them.] But perhaps it’s not for me to say how my editor has strayed from the path—only to note that he has.

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter. [Ed. note: I wouldn’t recommend it.]

Chloë Grace Moretz Gets the Pig’s Blood Treatment in New ‘Carrie’ Trailer

Chances are, you probably saw the original, Brian De Palma-helmed Carrie when you were a kid, and it either scared the bejeezus out of you or caused you to spend countless hours staring at a salt shaker trying to make it move with your mind, honing your telekinetic powers so you too could one day unleash an unholy wrath on the kids who picked you last for kickball.

And because no classic horror film is ever safe from a reboot, Chloë Grace Moretz (Hugo, Dark Shadows) will assume the role of the troubled teen with the mind-control powers for an adaptation to be released in March 2013. Julianne Moore plays Carrie’s mother, Margaret White, Judy Greer appears as Carrie’s more sympathetic teacher, Miss Desjardin, and Kimberly Peirce (Boys Don’t Cry) will direct. Fans at New York Comic-Con this week were treated to a teaser trailer for the remake, which is now online for your viewing/remake-bemoaning pleasure. Most of what we see are the smoldering remains of Carrie’s final attack, with a number of voiceovers (including one presumed to be her one sort-of friend, Sue Snell) recounting the incident, and how "she wasn’t a monster." Watch. 

Zooey Deschanel to Ruin the Legacy of Loretta Lynn on Broadway

Happy Friday! Just kidding, everything is awful. Let’s just get right into it: Zooey Deschanel is going to star as Loretta Lynn in a Broadway adaptation of Coal Miner’s Daughter. What happens if you stick a blonde wig on a doe-eyed girl who sings like Aaron Neville? I don’t think it’ll be much like Loretta Lynn. 

According to Playbill, Lynn announced the news last night from the stage of the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville—just as she did in 1979 when she told her fans that Sissy Spacek would be playing her in the film based on her life. Spacek won an Oscar for her portrayal of the music legend from her impoverished upbringing in rural Kentucky to her Grand Ole Opry superstardom. The film also starred Tommy Lee Jones and the late Levon Helm

Said the great Ms. Lynn:

It’s a long way from Butcher Holler to Broadway in New York City. I never imagined I’d see Coal Miner’s Daughter on a movie screen, and now I can’t believe it’s going to be on a stage for people to see… I’m going to be right there in the front row. And I know Zooey is going to be great—she sings and writes her own songs just like I do, and we even have the same color eyes!

No disrespect, but let’s not let Loretta Lynn cast herself anymore? She did a good job once, but eye color does not a Loretta Lynn make. Of course, I will be one of the first in line for tickets to see Zooey D. slur and bat her eyes on the Great White Way, as my mantra is, generally, "This milk is spoiled. Here, taste it."

How did my friend and I react to the news this morning? Like adults, obviously:

nope

Meanwhile, I’ll spend the next few months dreading this musical while watching the video below of Sissy Spacek the famous autobiographical song on The Midnight Special:

…and by doing an impression of Sissy’s impression of Loretta. Big ol’ barrrrrrrr a-growlin’: