Why I’m Sick of ‘Sex’

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“Sex” gets boring.

Not sex itself. I love sex, but sex is, by definition, an act. It’s something we do, not something we brainstorm about at a pow-wow. I’m sick of sex dominating the public dialogue, always creeping into pop culture to make something “sexy,” “sensual” or “orgasmic.” Most of my life subscribes to none of those adjectives and I’m ready to consider the billions of topics that aren’t so trendy, but that reflect reality, where even if you have sex for an hour every day (lucky), 95% of your time is still free for drudgery.

Just logging onto Facebook gives a decent sample of our obsession with talking about sex. My newsfeed is filled with Cosmo, Bustle and Jezebel articles about the best ways to get off, like that’s the most urgent item on the national agenda. Recently, a story from The Tab went viral—contributing idiot William Lloyd penned a personal essay on why he doesn’t do cunnilingus, and the Internet exploded as even self-proclaimed “fuck bois” implied that Lloyd was a misogynist. A new reveal about hookups dots Thought Catalog or The Odyssey’s homepage every few minutes—I would know, I wrote a few of them. They’re constantly published because they make for awesome clickbait. People want to read about sex: why it’s good, why it’s bad, why it’s good and bad. Why did you tap on this headline?

As a theater critic, I go to a Broadway or off-Broadway show almost every week. I used to be excited whenever I climbed down the subway stairs en route to midtown, but now I know exactly what I’ll see performed: some variation on sexual angst. A woman sleeps with her husband’s best friend; a tapper in the ’30s rouses two hours of innuendos; a governess in the 19th-century crushes on her mistress; a few teenagers sing about how much they want to be touched, as they masturbate. All of the subjects are engaging, if a bit trite, and they should be explored. But after you’ve seen the same themes manipulated to fit new plots over and over, they become tiresome.

Even books, so sacrosanct with their printed pages that remind you of libraries, are wet and hot. Fifty Shades is obviously the abomination of our age, shaming great authors like Virginia Woolf, Erich Maria Remarque, Toni Morrison and Tony Kushner. The fact that I’ve met someone casually toting around a book about polyamory makes me feel things—not good things.

“I don’t make love…” #FiftyShades

A photo posted by Fifty Shades Of Grey (@fiftyshadesmovie) on

Some people say this pop-culture-inspired conversation raises “awareness” about “sex positivity,” but Cosmo’s sex tips are more likely to get you sent to the hospital than give you an “education.” Our sex culture is one of voyeurism. We want to hear about the most absurd, dramatic situations that can happen in coitus, but when push comes to shove, the U.S. is still home to a sexually repressed population. In fact, Millennials may be less freaky beneath the sheets than our parents (and that’s embarrassing). A Time article from May cited a study, which “found that millennials were likely to have had an average of about eight partners, while Boomers were more likely to have had 10 or 11.” This seems significant as is, but Time also came up with a separate survey that claimed “almost half of twenty somethings have not had sex at all in the last year.”

I blame Kant (perhaps illogically—he was, after all, a philosopher in 18th-century Germany). I never liked Kant; I knew that he was inciting something dangerous when he advocated that his Enlightenment contemporaries “argue as much as you will, and about what you will, but obey.” He, and others like him, championed talking and not acting. And now that’s all we do: gab. Sex is apparently always on our minds, but seldom anywhere else.

This isn’t really a new problem. Critics have demonized pop culture’s promiscuity for decades. According to some, Elvis’ existence meant the end of civilization as they knew it. But with the Internet, there’s so much “sex” establishing a new normal. As consumers, we talk about sex because sex is what’s cool. It’s what trends; it’s what sells tickets. It’s what we know.

It’s a shame—paradoxically, we philosophize about our animal instincts. Sex isn’t rational, so it shouldn’t be rationalized. It also shouldn’t be the primary source of discussion in the media, and then on the street. Remember Friends, the TV show? I’m not saying that’s what my life looks like 24 hours a day, but it gets a whole lot closer than William Lloyd and Fifty Shades. Even Girls, which is supposedly the millennial version of Friends, has sex represented in nearly every scene. Had Lena Dunham’s writing been more honest, pre-graduation Shoshanna would have been crying about the midterm she had to turn in by midnight, not the boy who didn’t want to pop her cherry.

If I’m being frank, most of my time is spent either with friends or alone working. Not with an S.O., or a friend with benefits or even a date—definitely not with a boyfriend. The people, who are there for me, and the ones I truly care about, are those who grab Starbucks after class, or who go to Dig Inn for a quick catch-up on a Tuesday night, or who order Seamless and watch a documentary with me in my room. Sometimes, those people are romantic, but usually they’re just friends. Maybe I’m a naïve 20-year-old who’s awkwardly caught in a land where buds trump lovers, but that’s where I’m at.

I’m sick of “sex”—not of having sex, but of talking about it. I’d rather discuss things like Syria, or climate change, or the U.S.’ deteriorating education system. But if our entertainment—our talking points—must be about everyday life and the gossip that consumes it, can’t it at least portray who we are? I want to see me and my friends on stages, in pages and on screens, talking about our lives, our work, our dreams and our breakdowns. And if need be, show sex 5% of the time.

My point is this: let’s do it, but not constantly dwell on it.

 

Get V Blazed in Your V

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All images via Foria

Tired of bowls? Do blunts give you a yucky cough? Do bongs make you embarrassed because they’re so phallic? Are you worried your edibles have too many calories? Well, gaaals, there’s a new way to ingest your marijuana in a more ladylike fashion! New from Foria is the first ever medical marijuana vaginal lubricant, a blend of coconut oil (Yeah! I know! That stuff is great for your hair!) and cannabis oil.

Screen Shot 2014-07-15 at 11.10.28 AM

Ok, sorry, no this isn’t some misogynist weird product like the Bic pen for her— this actually sounds like one of the chillest things that’s been invented in years. While you need a medical marijuana license to buy Foria, the lubricant won’t get you that high; the product works as a sort of female Viagra. According to Nerve, after using the product women experienced, “heightened sensation, warmth, tingling, or a sense of swelling or engorgement after using the weed-infused lube. Other women were turned on and hyper aware of the tightness of their genitals, which lead to a greater sexual pleasure.”  Essentially, you know how when you smoke a spliff and you start rubbing your friend’s buzz cut and it feels aaaaamazing? It’s like that, but it’s in your vagina and in your whole body.

Boys! Are you jealous yet? Well Foria hasn’t forgotten about you! You can get high via vagina too! The company’s founder, Matthew Gerson, made sure to note that coconut oil (the lubricant’s base) is 100% edible, and if ingested, Foria will get you very stoned. Are you catching my drift?

What’s It Like To Have Sex For Art?

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Constance and Eric are a wife-and-husband duo who create art together for a living. Though, it’s not the most typical art. They photograph intimate, abstract portraits of people having sex, using long exposures. As a result, the forms in the portraits are both energetic and fluid. They imply both movement and sensuality without exactly showing it. We know we love their art, but we also wondered what the experience of sitting for these portraits would be. What’s it like having sex in front of someone else? We chatted with one couple, Lily and Tito, about what their erotic portrait session meant to them. Ahead, how being intimate on camera empowered one couple and changed their sex life for the better.

Click here to read the interview and see the slideshow on Refinery29.

Malcolm McLaren: Renaissance Man & Vivienne Westwood’s Baby Daddy

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Those who declare themselves punk or glam have Malcolm McLaren to thank, should they care to, (though Lou Reed might have taken issue) for directing punk’s style beginnings from a shop on King’s Road in London. McLaren and designer Vivienne Westwood opened the shop, Let It Rock – later renamed SEX – and it was there that they sold clothes and records and made costumes for the New York Dolls out of red patent leather.

McLaren met Vivienne Westwood when he was a teenager, getting her pregnant by the time he was 18. His grandmother gave them the money for Westwood to have an abortion, but against McLaren’s wishes, she spent the money on a cashmere twinset.

Shop the look, see more photos, and READ +

Does Your Date Have an STD? Find Out With Eli Dancy’s Chec-Mate App

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The great fear of the technological era is Big Brother watching you. That fear has largely given way to acceptance of our fate. The boss knows what we are saying, knows where we are, knows where were going, and through devices like Facebook knows our favorite everything and who we sleep with. The powers that be can theoretically know more about us than we know about us. With all the negatives we give up, we gain speed in communication and new ways to do business. We can keep in touch with friends who years ago would have become long lost. Now comes yet another positive…I think. Big Brother is now looking out for you if you let it. A new application by Chec-Mate allows you to find out about the sexual safety of that person sitting across from you at the bar who is looking better after every cocktail. Chec-Mate makes obsolete the throwing-the-dice aspects of sexual relations. Your phone will tell you whether or not that hottie is STD free if you decide to opt in. It’s for smart people with smart phones. It’s an iPhone app for $1.99 and is available on Android as well. Eli Dancy came up with this fancy idea and the Safe Sex License which is recognized by the Center For Disease Control (CDC) and The New York State Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. I asked all about it.

Explain how this works.
The Chec-Mate application can be downloaded now via the Apple App Store for a limited time at a retail price of $1.99 for a (1) year activation. Users simply download the app, register, and upload a photo. A confirmation email will arrive with the user’s personal "Screening Verification Form" (SVF) attached. The user can use the app to locate an authorized screening facility and then take their form and have their screening administered at the facility of their choice. After the screening is completed, the facility will return their screening verification form and screening results to the User. Users can follow the instructions on the (SVF) to submit your results for final verification and full activation of their Chec-Mate™ application.
 
In a way, this app enables worry-free multiple partner safe sex. Is there a disclaimer or encouragement for users to still use condoms?
Yes, members must agree to our User Agreement each time they choose to share their screening information, we also encourage all users to use alternative methods of protection in conjunction with the Chec-Mate application. Like anything, the Chec-Mate App should always be used responsibly, just as one is responsible for going the speed limit even if their vehicle allows them to exceed it. We expect users of Chec-Mate to continue being responsible when engaging in sexual activity with any and all partners they choose to become intimate with. The responsibility to use the Chec-Mate application responsibly will always be the end decision of the user.
 
How will you expand your market? How will you get people to sign in?
We are excited to have the opportunity to continue providing a service that is truly needed via the Chec-Mate mobile application. Now that users have worldwide access via their smartphones. We plan to continue sharing our excitement via mediums such as yours and other appropriate outlets looking to share new ways of living a safer, smarter, and healthier lifestyle.
 
How accurate is the testing?
All of our users are referred to have screenings conducted at Center for Disease Control (CDC) certified screening facilities via their facility locating portal www.hivtest.org.
 
If you are wildly successful, won’t it be impossible for a person suffering from an STD to get laid?
We look forward to the Chec-Mate application assisting millions in continuing their responsible sexual practices. We feel that, regardless if one chooses to use the Chec-Mate application or not, individuals should always make an informed decision before they engage in sexual intercourse. Individuals who carry an STD have, if not a legal responsibility, then a personal responsibly to inform a potential partner of any known infection before becoming intimate with them. What Chec-Mate brings to the table is not a change of responsibility to share information with ones’ partner, but a practical, safe, and secure platform to do so.
 
How will a person’s negative information be protected from public disclosure, or is that not done as it’s the reason for this?
The Chec-Mate system services those who are fully negative and also those who have been infected with an STD. All users have 100 percent full control over who they share their personal screening information. Additional security features have been integrated in the Chec-Mate application that protect users’ information from being freely view by unauthorized individuals. STFree does not share ANY of our user information with third parties, ever.
 
Are males and females separated into gay or straight categories? Someone I spoke to said this would be huge in the gay community rather than the hetero world. How do you react to this?
No, we do not categorize any of our members. The Chec-Mate application provides a variety of benefits to its users equally, regardless of their sex or choice of lifestyle.  STIs do not choose who they infect nor is there an accurate way of gauging who one chooses to become intimate with. We believe that sexual responsibility starts with self-responsibility. The Chec-Mate application is a platform for one to conveniently promote their personal awareness and dedication to protecting their sexual health.

What I’m Missing: Zac Efron, Domi Dollz, and Rob Zombie

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I’ve been a busy bee of late and have missed so many events that I would have loved to attend. Most notably, I couldn’t attend the Magadeth-Rob Zombie concert at the PNC in Jersey. That hurt.

Saturday I was DJing at Bantam for Tatjana Gellert’s birthday bash. It was hours of music from Donna Summer to Rob Zombie to LCD Sound System to Blank Dogs to Iggy to Tuxedo Moon. I was all over the place for the fun and beautiful crowd. The only place I couldn’t be was with my friend Robert Escalera  who is in from LA to offer up a film and cocktail event with the cast and crew of a movie produced by his favorite charity, the Zeno Mountain Farm.

According to its site:

"Zeno Mountain Farm is an organization that runs camps for people with and without disabilities. Everyone works together so all can experience a life full of creativity, adventure, fun and community. Typically, each camp has a theme that helps to focus and unify the group. The themes include but are not limited to filmmaking, theatre, high challenge sports, music, adventure travel and art."

The event was at the Tribeca Cinemas, 54 Varick Street. The movie is called Finding Zac Efron.

"When Zeno Film camp cast member and Zac Efron-uberfan Elizabeth gets sick, the Zeno gang springs into action. They decide to find Zac Efron and get him to go cheer Elizabeth up. They scour the city of Los Angeles to find Zac… But what they discover is beyond anything they ever expected! Finding Zac Efron stars all the Zeno Gang, plus cameos by Ted Danson, Lou Ferrigno, Mario Lopez, Joe Manganiello, and others… Is Zac in the film? … You have to come and see for yourself!"

Well, I couldn’t come and see, and I don’t know if Zac was in it since I was at Bantam. I urge you to check it out. Robert worked with me at all my hot spots of the ‘90s. His role varied, from my right hand to the heel of my left foot. He was almost as invaluable as he thought he was. He is joining me at the Bowery Poetry Club for BINGO tonight. I’ll get there early to explain to him how to play the game.

On Thursday I will DJ again, this time at Bantam and, as usual, Hotel Chantelle. Therefore, I’ll miss that night’s Domi Dollz event at the Museum of Sex. It starts at 7pm and is the most fun… for people interested in sex. There are sexy Doms and subs and they serve aphrodisiac cocktails and everybody laughs and feels frisky. They are so good at it that, they have, in the past, been able to teach an old dog like me… some new tricks.

Kink For Dummies: Domi Dollz Launch Fundraiser For Their First Book

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Down here in the Caribbean, it’s hard to believe that the holiday season is in full force. A friend up north was talking about snow while my main concern is tan lines. For the record, there won’t be any…it’s like that. I’ll be filing little glimpses as I sip tropical fruit drinks and practice the art of not getting caught staring at the bikinis while laying out next to Amanda. Amanda can be scary.

Speaking of scary…Sandy not only destroyed homes, ‘hoods, and a sense of security; it threw the calendar out with the bath water. Many people and businesses plan their holiday parties at the last minute, right before Thanksgiving, and many, bolstered by an improved economy and needing a reason to be cheerful, are scrambling for a night date in a hot spot. Domi Dollz, a group that lives and teaches a real life 50 Shades of Grey lifestyle, is one such group. They will have a super-secret seasonal soiree as soon as they find a place to hang their hat…er, whip.

This year they have a lot to be cheerful about as they are completing their first real-deal book, Kinky Amour, on the subject. Publishing a book is an expensive process and they are trying to raise funds to complete. I  asked Domi Dollz founder and president Nina Payne to tell me all about it:

The fundraiser. Tell me about it.
Someone had mentioned I should try a fundraiser a couple months ago when I was faced with the huge budget of getting this book together. Domi Dollz isn’t just trying to self-publish a book; we’re also creating video tutorials and taking beautiful photographs to show readers how they can practice kinky techniques. We are raising funds so we can properly advertise and promote this book to help make the world a sexier place. Check out the fundraiser here.

What is Kinky Amour?
Kinky Amour is an introduction into kink that explores everything from communication, psychology, and safety, to specific techniques like spanking, bondage, and role-playing. This book has been designed to inspire the reader and help direct her or him to discovering what works best for them and whomever they’re with.

So what types of things will you be covering in the book?
We’re covering a lot of ground in our first book, which is so exciting, beginning  with understanding what kink really is and the reminder that no one should feel ashamed if they are curious or interested in it. Kink is about fun, creativity, and, most of all, trust; it can really liberate an individual and especially strengthen the bond of a relationship. But we will also be covering lots of specific techniques likes spanking, flogging, bondage, dirty talk, role playing, and much more.

What makes this book different than the other kink books out there?
Kinky Amouris not only a book, but it will also be an eBook that has beautiful photography and video tutorials. In fact, it will be the first eBook about kink with video tutorials which you can download to your computer, KindleFire, or iPad. We’ve structured it in a sort of "Kink For Dummies”-style  way, and it will feature personal stories, kinky tips, and other fun stuff from myself, Ms. Mona Rogers, and other fellow Domi Dollz.

So this is a collective effort from all the Domi Dollz.
Yes, our fans will be happy to hear that this book will have contributions from other Domi Dollz, all of whom you can check out here. My biggest help was Ms. Mona Rogers; she came in while I was writing the final draft and really elevated it to the next level. We are very excited by what we have.

What motivated you to write this book?
Aside from wanting to bring a positive message to the world, we were also motivated to write this book after getting feedback from people all over the world interested in our workshops, but weren’t able to attend. We hope this book will bring people an opportunity to learn at their own pace in the privacy of their own home, and hopefully help them embrace their sexualities.

When will the book be out?
February 2013. We are currently shooting all the video and photography, and it’s been a blast watching it all come together.

Tell me about the costs of producing this tome. How do people get involved?
Domi Dollz is on Indiegogo to raise funds to bring this book to life. Self-publishing is no easy task; we’re not only producing high-quality videos and photos, but also advertising it, which has an added cost. It’s expensive to make your dreams come true! We are hoping others who support kink and sexual education will also support our cause. All the money raised will go toward the creation, publishing, and promotion of Kinky Amour. When you check out the fundraiser, you’ll see our sexy video explaining it all. People can use their credit cards or Paypal to donate on Indiegogo. We also accept money orders,  so just email info@DomiDollz.com one of our Dollz, and she can arrange that. We are aiming to raise $10,000, but honestly EVERY DOLLAR COUNTS and gets us closer to our dream. We are grateful for it all and offer perks for different-sized donations. If all the kinksters in NYC donated just $1, we would have way more than ten grand! 

Tonight: Partying with Erik Foss, Domi Dollz, & Shell Sheddy

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I’m not going to sweat it, but I did RSVP for multiple events tonight that I can’t possibly physically attend unless "Scottie" starts to "beam me" around town. Two of them are uptown and the other two are downtown. Guess which two get my fabulous face.

OK, I’m gonna try. First on the list is a group show opening that includes my bro (we even have bro tattoos) Erik Foss. The show WAVE is presented by MISC and includes artists Judy Chicago, Michael St. John, Peter Alexander, Amany Ahmad, Shelter Serra, Colton Brown, Tom Forkin, and Angel Otero. It’s at the Fuller Building, 41 east 57th street, suite 702. If you’re into it, email info@misc-nyc.com or call 917 370 6423. While I’m up there I might as well scoot over to Hudson Terrace, 621 West 46th Street, for the APM Models’ Summer Party. I’m tight with Penny Basch and love their events.

Or, I just may stay south and pop into the last Domi Dollz evening for the summer at the Museum of Sex. These wonderful gals never fail to stand and deliver. They are sexy and sweet – sometimes – and the event promises lots of "boy toys.” The people I have sent to these soirees tell me that they can be life changing for them and theirs. It is quite educational, with zero chance of falling asleep in class.

I will surely attend photographer Shell Sheddy’s opening at Bar 82, 136 Second Avenue. This event starts at 7pm and ends at 11pm, after which the whole posse will scoot over to Hotel Chantelle for the after party, where I will DJ rock and roll with Sam Valentine. The show is titled "LES Images: The Creativity, Community and Struggle Continues," and promises that "we will be graced with Sheddy’s breath-taking visuals of raw humanity and real world, life-affirming spirit."

I also want to mention a fundraiser that I am honored to lend my name to. Old friend Don Welch asked me to help out:

"I need your help with this fundraiser I’m doing for Gwen McCrae; she suffered a massive stroke in London (June 3rd) & is paralyzed on her left side. The family is trying to get her home to Florida & it’s really expensive. I would like to put your name on the invite as a supporter & would love for you to attend. The date of the event is Tuesday August 21st @ ANJA on Little West 12th Street, NYC. Colonel Abrams & Melba Moore so far are the host, but lots of folks are calling in. Let me know what you think. Thanks."

Gwen McCrae is famous for her hit "FUNKY SENSATION.” The dance community has gotten on board big time. The outpouring of support, and the DJs and talent that have since gotten involved speaks volumes of the love and class always shown by Gwen. I will do a follow-up post just before the event to give you more details, but I wanted to get this to you early enough for you to purchase tickets and support this fine lady. Tickets can be acquired from www.ticketweb.com. Call 866 468 7619 for more information.

Ramones Mania: Marky Ramone Performs Sunday, Johnny’s Tome Comes Out Monday

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Game of Thrones is just days away. For millions, it will define their Sunday nights. I, alas, will have to TiVo it because I will be swept to The Bell House on a wave of rock and roll nostalgia and friendship. Marky Ramone is in town with his band Blitzkrieg and they will be playing that great Gowanus venue. It will be Ramones’ songs 1-2-3- 4, after each other and it is as close to the real deal as can possibly be. Alas, Joey, Dee Dee, and Johnny have passed on but their legacy will be remembered – Ramone right at this show. Marky is touring and I don’t get to see him much. We are trying to get a dinner in, but it will probably have to wait until he returns from a European tour which will take him and Blitzkrieg to Greece, Romania, Bulgaria, Asia, Spain, Germany, United Kingdom, The Netherlands, and Italy with more dates to be announced. I’m going to catch up with him at the shows and ask him a bunch of questions for Monday’s post.

It’s a very big week for Ramones fans. Johnny Ramone’s posthumous tome Commando: The Autobiography of Johnny Ramone is coming out. Johnny’s wife Linda and pre-Marky drummer and original member Tommy Ramone will be on hand along with John Cafiero (editor and Johnny Ramone autobiography chief-of-staff). It will be at the Tribeca Barnes and Noble (97 Warren Street) on Friday, March 30th where someone, not clear which of them, will be signing books. I will read this book with great interest. Johnny and I were friends for a long while. I got along with Linda just fine when she was Joey’s girlfriend, but things soured (I think) when I was double-dating, with Johnny fixing him up with my friend Lisa. That stuff probably never made the autobiography anyway. It was before I knew about him and Linda. We were hanging at clubs like The Peppermint Lounge. Johnny was very conservative politically and we had many conversations about his right and my left leanings, but we always got along despite that. He was a very sharp guy and, as far as I could tell, the absolute leader of the band. He held them together with his business sense and maniacal devotion to rock and roll.
 
Things got bad when Linda made her shift from Joey to him, but the band played on. The Joey Ramone song "The KKK Took My Baby Away" is thought by some to refer to Johnny stealing Joey’s baby away. I last hung with Johnny a few years ago at the Hudson Hotel Library. He was playing pool with Nicolas Cage, who he had become friends with. Nicolas was really friendly, going out of his way to engage me, but Johnny was quite cold. I questioned him about it as we had never been like that. I was in trouble then and obviously this bothered him, so I bolted. I was surprised when he caught up with me down the long hallway leading to the exit. He wanted to hear my side and I returned with him back to the lounge. We talked frankly, no-holds-barred, as was his norm. It got heated but it was hashed out. We left as friends. I was saddened deeply when he became ill and died. After every show back in the day, I would go backstage and he would turn to me and ask me if it was good and I’d tell him the truth. He knew I would always tell it like it was. He was obsessed with making his fans happy. He was visibly upset when a mistake was made or if he felt one of the other band members had flawed or didn’t share in his enthusiasm. I’m going to pick up a copy of the book but won’t need any signature on it.
 
Domi Dollz
 
In a couple of weeks, on a Thursday before my DJ gig at Hotel Chantelle, I will join the Domi Dollz at the Museum of Sex. They will attempt to teach the sexually needy how to:
create more than just a moment in the bedroom, but an entire experience that will leave your partner begging for more. NYC’s most famed kink experts will explore ideas and techniques from setting the mood, sexy games, and thinking outside the bedroom to the art of the striptease, kinky foreplay, and fantasy scenarios. Enjoy sipping tasty aphrodisiac cocktails while the gorgeous Domi Dollz seduce and inspire you to create your own seduction experience.
OralFix: Aphrodisiac Cafe
Museum of Sex | Lower Level
233 5th Avenue @ 27th St
New York, NY 10016
 
Thurs, April 12th @ 7pm
Admission : $25
Seating is limited
 
The Domi Dollz are simply sexy. They are gorgeous, experienced, intelligent women who talk the talk like they know how to walk the walk. Come, please, please…please.