If there’s one thing that’s keeping me sane this summer, it’s my Google Alert for "Florida woman." I don’t think I need to get into details about how Florida is empirically the worst (well, any further detail, that is). So let’s get down to it: this week’s big news coming out of that southern state involves a woman affectionately known as "the sea hag."
Yes, that’s what the locals of Conch Key, Florida call 64-year-old Carolyn Dukeshire, who was arrested on Sunday night on a murder charge. Apparently, she killed a guy because he wouldn’t give her beer. I mean, can you blame her? Sea hags need beer, y’all.
In other Floridian female-perpetrated crime news, Miami New Times delivers a story that includes the most clever and honest lede I’ve ever read in my entire life:
Like no good love stories before it, this one started at a West Florida gas station. An unidentified man met Rebecca Rodriguez there, and they exchanged numbers. After a bit of sexting, they agreed to meet at Rodriguez’s home for a bit of a fill-up earlier this week. Rodriguez, however, had conspired with her cousins to beat and rob the man. The cousins also ended up stealing the man’s car.
Was it love at first sight? Well, first sight of a sexy upper chest tattoo:
God bless and keep you, Rebecca Rodriguez.