If you have fond memories of Zach Morris and friends at The Max, but don’t mind them sullied with lurid tales of sex, three-way sex, gay sex and date rape sex, then keep reading. In the wake of yesterday’s big autobiography news (about Soulja Boy, naturally) and the hypothesis that no one reads them, we’ve found a case in point: the first extensive recap of Screech’s sex tales a.k.a. Dustin Diamond’s Behind the Bell (title pun!) surfaced this week in the form of the 11 Most Scandalous Saved by the Bell Revelations in Screech’s Autobiography. (The book came out last September.) It’s predictably gross — remember Diamond’s sex tape? — but it’s also the work of a honor roll asshole. After the jump, we’ll grade Diamond on his levels of dickishness based on the five standouts from the stellar 11 Points book report.
(‘’)1. “I’m not Screech. I’m 100 percent, in every single way, not Screech. I’m cool, I follow no man, and women find me irresistible.”
Diamond numbers his sexual conquests, backing into a boast by asking, “Is it bragging to say I’ve banged over two thousand chicks in my life?” He also cops to the size of his penis — surprise: big! Needy, insecure, and immature.
Asshole Grade: A-
2. Running with a forgotten Variety article about Mario Lopez’s sexual abuse, Screech accuses Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater) of raping a woman and having NBC pay the hush money.
On one hand, this is a real revelation that seems to check out, making it a horrible story. On the other, Screech used it not to clear his conscience, but to try and sell books.
Asshole Grade: C+
3. On Elizabeth Berkley, the actress who played Jessie Spano and later stripped in legendarily bad Showgirls: “there was a desperation to [her] ho’ing, like she had a lot of catching up to do.”
His 2,000 women, though, make him a total stud. With a huge dick!
Asshole Grade: A+
4. Diamond confesses to screwing NBC’s VP of children’s programming, Linda Mancuso, who was 18-years his senior.
But she died of cancer in 2003, meaning he has the final word on their relationship.
Asshole Grade: A+++, valedictorian status
5. Peter Engel, the show’s executive producer, used to have sex with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski) and Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack, duh)… at the same time!
Engel was a born-again Christian and there was coke involved, but as Diamond says, draw your own conclusions!
“[Gosselaar] started getting called to [Engel]’s office for long meetings… and closed the door behind him. Which was weird… because typically Peter kept his office door open.
“[Thiessen] also began to be summoned upstairs for long, cloosed-door meetings… then, both [Gosselaar] and [Thiessen] (!) were called together into [Engel]’s inner sanctuary for another mystery marathon behind closed doors.
Asshole Grade: Class dismissed…
Check out the entire review here.