Famous Idiot Reduces Local News Anchor To Tears

Let’s face it: Ryan Lochte is one sexy idiot. I mean, come on. I keep walking by a poster for What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, his new reality show on E! that premieres on Sunday, and I can’t help but find myself really attracted to the man. I mean, he’s wearing a tight t-shirt and is soaking wet. And he just looks so dumb, which, I’ll be honest, is a bit of a turn-on. Of course, that’s because I do not know him in real life, and I am sure if I had the chance to speak to him everything that came out of his mouth would be a total boner-killer. Which is why I love this video of Fox Philly anchors Sheinelle Jones and Mike Jerrick nearly losing their minds over how dumb this dude is following an awkward interview with the Olympian.

[via Deadspin]

Human Meme That Can Swim Gets E! Reality Show

Professional swimmer and full-time Floridian Ryan Lochte nestled his way into our hearts and our GIFs this summer with his stunning athletic prowess 4 America, his bizarre sense of personal branding (complete with trademark catchphrase) and his general status as human meme. Also, the whole American flag grill thing, which got about as much coverage as his actual swimming did. Anyway, the initial Lochte-mania may have died down, following his appearances on 90210 and 30 Rock (as a "sex idiot") and his trademarking of "Jeah!" but as our Jessica Wakeman forewarned a few months ago, Lochte wanted his own show. About his one-night stands.

Well, it looks like that first thing is going to happen, although maybe not exclusively about that second thing. E! announced yesterday that Lochte’s reality show, the aptly-titled six-part documentary series What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, will air this April. The show will follow the Lochte’s adventures in further Olympic ambitions, footwear design, meeting women and partying, and other such shenanigans. 

As Suzanne Kolb, president of E! Entertainment, said in a statement, praising Lochte’s "utterly unique and unaffected approach to life:" "He is an incredibly endearing personality who is sexy, entertaining and fun. Watching this show, I believe people will fall into three categories: they want to be him, sleep with him or mother him." Yep, you read that last thing right. Mother him. I’m not really in a place to judge because I don’t have kids, but, is that a big thing reality showrunners work to? Watching celebrities on reality shows and thinking, "Damn, I wish that celebrity with the weird catchphrase on the television were my kid!" 

No word yet on whether or not his swimming buddy Prince Harry (who would probably actually make for amazing TV, when you think about it) or his sister Megan, who said some terrible, racist things in front of a rolling camera after returning from the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing, will also appear. But even when not being racist on cable access television, the Lochte siblings’ unscripted on-camera aptitude (or lack thereof) leaves something to be desired. Lest we forget:

Ryan Lochte Pursuing Reality Show About His One Night Stands

Of course Ryan Lochte wants a reality show. Of course he does. A source tells Us Weekly the Olympic gold medalist is shopping a reality show starring him, his brother and his father that will focus on Lochte’s training, love life and his new fashion line. No word yet on whether the reality show will include  peeing in pools.

What more could we want to know about Ryan Lochte’s love life than what his mother has told us already? "He only goes out on one-night stands," Mama Lochte said. "He’s not able to give fully to a relationship because he’s always on the go." (She later clarified that she meant he is "so sensitive" and "not wanting to hurt a girl," so he "takes out a girl for maybe one or two dates and doesn’t have a relationship because he doesn’t have (time) and it’s not fair for the women." Oh, that’s what you meant.)  Also, I refuse to believe that someone who can’t speak in proper sentences and tries to make the nonsense-word "Jeah!" a thing would be interesting enough for a reality show. Then again, that didn’t stop the Palins.

Regardless of what happens with Ryan Lochte’s reality show, it will be a busy fall for the swimmer-turned-celebrity: he has been covering New York Fashion Week for E! and he has also filmed an appearance on 30 Rock. Milk it, Ryan Lochte, milk it!

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter and Tumblr.

Pay Money to See Ryan Lochte’s Penis

Alright, fine, it’s Famous Dick Day at BlackBook, what with Prince Harry and Shia LeBeouf and now Ryan Lochte. Yes, apparently there’s a Lochte cockte (kill me) pic and the folks over at Deadspin have their hands all over it. 

The blog’s Dongbudsman writes:

Deadspin is presently in negotiations with a person who is in possession of a photograph of a penis. The penis supposedly belongs to Olympic gold/silver/bronze swimming medalist Ryan Lochte. The photograph is a neck-down bathroom-mirror self-portrait, in which the tip of the penis almost but not quite reaches into the sink basin.

The provenance of the photo is less than ideal. It was allegedly taken for a now-ex-girlfriend of Lochte’s. After the Olympics, a friend of the ex began passing the photo along to her friends, and it soon made its way to our source.

We have seen the photograph. The body in the photo is shaved like a swimmer’s body, with tan lines from racing trunks. The contours of the torso appear to match the contours of Lochte’s torso, particularly the deep crease across the abdominal muscles, angling up at the sides. The position of the subject/photographer’s right arm makes it impossible to tell whether Lochte’s other distinguishing marks—his Olympic-rings arm tattoo and a prominent pectoral mole—are present. (Photo research suggests, in fact, that Lochte had the pectoral mole removed between the 2008 Beijing Olympics and this year’s London ones.)

Okay, first of all:

(Yes, shockingly like a non-Olympic penis.)

But if that doesn’t drive you mad with desire for that dummy’s dick, head over to Deadspin’s Cockstarter page to throw a few bucks into the fund. As of this writing, they’ve raised very little of their $5K goal. (That’s a burn on Lochte, I think?)

Megan Lochte Is Sorry She Got Caught Being Racist

Megan Lochte, sister of the dumbest swimmer in the history of the Olympics, is very sorry she got caught repeatedly using the word "chink" on a 2008 talk show appearance. But it’s all a misunderstanding, you see! Megan is not racist. Oh no, no, no, no. She was actually making a meta-commentary about racism and the racist way some people think. Ohhhhh.

In a statement to US Weekly, Megan Lochte offers a convoluted response to why this whole "chink" business has been blown out of proportion.

This was not a real interview, and it in no way reflects my true feelings or persona whatsoever, The intent was to make fun of the ignorance of people who actually do not have an understanding of other cultures and speak in racist ways. The skit and my character were supposed to be making fun of ignorance … I do see how it was highly offensive to the viewer, but as seen by today’s widespread outrage, it clearly did increase awareness of the ignorance of those who are racist. … While the intent of the script was to shed light on cultural ignorance. I realize that in application it did offend people, and for that I apologize.

Poor taste is telling dick jokes to your grandmothers’ friends, not ironic racism (whatever that even means).  And blaming one’s own words on a script is just cowardly. Megan Lochte has indeed succeeded in provoking discussion, but its not so much about "cultural ignorance" as it is the continued ignorance of the entire Lochte family.

Ryan Lochte’s Sister Is a Terrible, Racist Human Being

Now that Olympians are, like, super hot superstars and not just people we forget about every four years, it seems appropriate that their siblings also become famous. The Olympics: it’s like The Hills, only with academic talents. Anyway, gold medalist Ryan Lochte is all over the place and, likewise, soon shall his sister, Megan, who is, unfortunately, a total idiot asshole racist human being.

Props to Jezebel for uncovering this video of Megan Lochte doing some laff-’em-ups on some cable access show in Baltimore, Maryland, after she returned from the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing. What was her multicultural takeaway from the trip? Well, it involves the frequent usage of the word "chink." 

Sorry, but no one should be shocked that someone wearing that hat would turn out to be a shitty human being.

Peeing in Pools With Ryan Lochte

Since we all have Olympics fever, it’s finally time for me to acknowledge that Ryan Lochte exists. What a cutie! And also kind of a dummy (which is also his appeal, I suppose). But when he admitted last week that he pees in the pool, people lost their minds. Uh, duh, of course he pees in the pool.

Everybody pees in the pool. If you say you have not peed in a pool, you are a liar. Pools are there for swimming and for peeing in. Deal with it.

Luckily, the folks at Funny or Die recognize this, and they’ve made a new short featuring Ryan Lochte chattin’ about peein’. In pools.

Man, what a shocker that the dude who looks so hot in a speedo and swims real fast isn’t the most camera-ready when it comes to being engaging, huh? Can’t we get this guy and those gymnast Small Wonders to learn how to speak like a captivating human being when they’re on TV? The rest of us normal, lazy, unathletic Americans are counting on you for our entertainment now that these games are almost over!

Now You Can Own Your Very Own Ryan Lochte Party Sunglasses (Soon)

We’ve still got a week of Olympics left, which means probably another week of pontificating the mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a washboard stomach and less-than-impressive interviewing skills that is swimming star Ryan Lochte. Lochte superfans (Do they have names? Ry-hards? Loch Ness Monsters?) can own a piece of him in the form of the rather loud sunglasses on his official store.

Technically, due to Rule 40of the International Olympic Committee, athletes’ likenesses, images and personal brands are only allowed to be used in specific circumstances during the games (e.g. if they are a Proud Sponsor of the Olympic Games), you can’t actually have your very own Ryan Lochte Eyewear just yet. But if you’re still feeling an intense desire to make your sartorial choices based on Ryan Lochte’s personal brand in about a week or so, you can own some rather garish sunglasses that feel like they belong at the counter of the Shore Store in Seaside Heights. The best? A lime green and yellow pair where the lenses read “LOCHTE” and “JEAH!,” the latter being his affirmative catchphrase.

The only available item in the store at the moment is Lochte Hard-CORE, his core-training exercise DVD, for the discerning fitness lover who just can’t seem to get into P90X. 

Ryan Lochte’s Grill Getting More Coverage Than Most Athletes, Probably

America can add another celebrity to the ever-growing list of icons from the London Olympics: Ryan Lochte’s custom-made $25,000 dental grill, designed by rapper Paul Wall and jeweler Johnny Dang, which he wore proudly to complement his gold medal.

Today, posts and stories of said grill, as well as admiring Tumblr gifs, were everywhere. The NYT (ON IT!) even interviewed some designers to find their take on Lochte’s grill, with Philip Crangi residing in the “pro” camp, calling the mouthpiece “a tiara for men.” Not sure if “tiara for men” is operative, but the grill itself is a sight. It wouldn’t be half as impressive if it didn’t actually feature THE IMAGE OF AN AMERICAN FLAG IN THE DESIGN. Every time Ryan Lochte smiles, “The Star-Spangled Banner” actually starts playing out of nowhere. And it cost more than many people Lochte’s age make in a year.

There is probably a conversation to be had in here about the cultural ramifications of said grill and WHAT DOES IT MEAN and is it appropriation, one that is nuanced and multilayered. But the fixation on Lochte’s dental diamonds is a reminder of the best and worst things about the Olympics and how they are presented to us and how we view them all at once.The cult-of-personality element and tendency to zoom in on the most outrageous details present in sports and entertainment coverage get amplified thanks to the 24-hour, multi-channel Olympic cycle (sort of) and the fact that we only see most of these athletes every four years and are introduced to new faces in each session on top of that, so the marathon get-to-know-you session happens and once the personalities and narratives have been hashed out, the ones that make for the highest entertainment value are amplified ad nauseam. This isn’t new or revelatory at all, of course—it’s how TV and the Internet work. No surprises. 

But as a result, we get these kind of amazing moments that reflect the personalities of the weird and wonderful athletes in these competitions. We get reactions from happy families we know almost as well as the athletes. We get Daniel Leyva and his lucky towel (which has its own Twitter account now because of course it does). At the same time there are all these totally wasteful, ridiculous in the wrong way and even damaging emphasis, as in the like 700 times NBC showed Jordyn Wieber close-up and in tears. Or all the coverage dedicated to Missy Franklin and the Fab Five getting Twitter love from Justin Bieber and having that as a mark of validation for young female athletes as opposed to, you know, their actual athletic prowess and kicking ass while representing their country (Although, to be fair, they were pretty excited about it, and there’s nothin’ wrong with that, but still). In the case of Lochte’s mouth, it’s a little bit of both.

Anyway, enough of that. Let’s get back to talking about how awesome the Fab Five are / complaining about the NBC spoilers.