Kim Verses Kate: A Very Royal Breakdown

While the recent royal wedding of William and Kate caused plenty of migraines for the British commoners, we Yankees are now feeling wedding agita of our own, as a pair of American royals prepare to tie the knot. In case you haven’t been keeping up with the Kardashians, Kim, our beloved American princess, is wedding NBA star Kris Humphries. Nuptials are slated for August 20, and Ms. K has been thriving amidst all the tittle-tattle about her big day. Just today, we learned of Kim’s wedding workout secrets. (She’s so bad at keeping secrets.) It’s all a bit Middleton-eque, so we’ve gathered a list of royal wedding comparisons worthy of irking monarchs on both sides of the pond.

DRESS: Much like the Duchess of Cambridge, speculation abounds about Kim’s dress. Did Vera Wang really design it? Did Kim only wear that eye-burning zebra print jumpsuit while walking with Wang to elicit some rumors? If the dress ends up looking anything like Kate Middleton’s, we’re willing to not be so galled by these theories. After all, Brittny Gastineau told People that Kim is going to look like a “princess,” and you know she speaks from experience.

GUEST LIST: Will the Beckhams watch Kim wed? Did Sir Elton John get an invite, and what about Sir Henry Cheape of the Strathtyrum Estate in St Andrews? We’re expecting the Kim guest list to be teeming with a slew of American rejects royalty. Rumors originally pointed to around 1,000 invites, but that number has gradually dwindled. Those confirmed include Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, Jay-Z and Beyonce, to name a few A-listers. Beyond that, we’re assuming some reality star write-offs will topple the list.

FILMING: Khloe Kardashian confirmed that her sister’s wedding will be “royal wedding number two!” But Kim keeps us waiting on the most important aspect of a royal wedding; the televised broadcast. The all-knowing Ryan Seacrest says fans will be able to watch the nuptials, either via television or internet. Whew, we we’re worried about that one.

RING: Mouths dropped at the fact that Kate’s engagement ring was Princess Diana’s: a vintage sapphire encircled by 14 diamonds, originally costing 30,000 euros. Sorry Kate, that’s just not glitzy enough. Kim’s rock is a 20.5-carat diamond from Lorrain Schwartz, and cost $2 million. How American of her.

OTHER TRIVIAL DETAILS: The Daily Mail informs us that guests at the Kardashian/Humphries affair will be dining off silver spoons: $1,250 silver spoons. Baccarat Vega goblets and $38,400 worth of dinner place settings have also been purchased, in case your soul hasn’t shriveled up yet. For all the first-rate pickings cashed out for Kate Middleton’s day, at least $1.6 million was distributed to 26 organizations through the Royal Wedding Charity Fund. If the Kardashians really are trying to keep up with the Middletons, that’s one area we’d certainly encourage her to go big. You’re not going to let some perky English crumpet outdo you in benevolence, are you Kim? Do it for your country.

On His Wedding Day, a Word on Prince William’s Impending Baldness

Losing your hair at an early age is no big deal if you’re a worm-eating porno fiend who lives with your mother’s corpse. But when you’re the handsome and manly future King of England, it’s less than ideal. And it’s even worse on your wedding day, particularly when that wedding is being watched by two billion people. That’s four billion eyes, all trained on your embattled follicles as they lose their very public fight for survival on international television. So while the world fetishized that kiss and ogled that dress, I remained fixated on Prince William’s proverbial crown and pondered the cosmic banality of it all, or something.

Prince William’s fading hairline has been a British tabloid obsession for nearly four years now. How could their horse-riding, helicopter-piloting Prince fall victim to such a nerdy problem before he hits thirty? And how great is it that he did! Not only is he just like us, he’s worse! (The “us” that still have hair, anyway). Today, as he stood next to his full-haired brother, Prince William’s baldness stood out like never before.

But the thing about William’s wedding is, it’s finally okay for him to lose hair. He’s no longer a globetrotting playboy. Once you’re off the market, who cares what your hair looks like? In fact, ever since he announced his engagement to Kate Middleton, William, for the first time, grew into his lack of hair. And while he still retains those boyish looks that once made him the living embodiment of Prince Charming, William is very much a man. And never has that become more apparent than in his new royal titles. Prince William, in a sense, is no more. William Arthur Philip Louis is also now the Duke of Cambridge, the Earl of Strathearn, and Baron Carrickfergus. Prince William can’t be bald. But Baron Carrickfergus? How could he be anything but?

After the Royal Wedding, All Eyes on Sarah Burton

Whether or not you were keen on the royal pandemonium this morning, by now you’ve heard that the Duchess of Cambridge, née Catherine “Kate” Middleton, debuted a custom-made wedding gown by Sarah Burton, the new creative director at Alexander McQueen. The pristine design represented a defining moment in Burton’s career, one that will no doubt propel her from late Lee McQueen’s protégé to iconic designer in her own right.

“The last few months have been very exciting and an incredible experience for my team and I as we have worked closely with Catherine to create this dress under conditions of the strictest secrecy,” Burton revealed to Vogue. Now that the secret’s out, Burton is in for a wild ride.

This morning, over two billion people watched as Middleton emerged in an ivory gown with lace overlay, featuring long sleeves with a sweetheart bodice attached to a full skirt with floral appliqués and a train over six feet long. The elegant look was an instant win, praised by editors and designers alike, including Karl Lagerfeld. “The dress is classic and goes very well in the Westminster decor. It almost reminds me of (Queen) Elizabeth’s wedding, the royal weddings in the Fifties,” he told WWD.

So far, Burton has received nothing but kudos for her developing oeuvre, which already includes two seasons as head designer at McQueen. And while we’re unsure whether her regal commission will result in further ask from the royal family, we do know that she’s on to a slew of press appearances, including a stop at Saks Fifth Avenue next week. See you there!

Morning Links: January Jones Is Pregnant, Kate Middleton Wed But Probably Not Pregnant

● Kate Middleton’s Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen dress was laced with shamrocks and roses, the Queen looked sweet in yellow, and everybody thought maid of honor Pipa looked hot — maybe too hot? William looked sharp and Harry forewent brushing his hair, but that’s his thing, right? The sun shone down on the cavalry, fun hats abounded, and everybody got their lines right. Done! [Official Royal Wedding 2011/NYM/YouTube] ● January Jones is pregnant. But is the new Duchess of Cambridge? I’m afraid January has been upstaged. [People] ● Kristen Stewart, on the other hand, “could fucking get pregnant tomorrow.” [EW]

● When a TSA official got too handsy with Susie Castillo, the former Miss USA did as outraged citizens are wont to do, making a YouTube video in which she explains, “This woman, she touched my vagina four times … I’m really, really upset that as an American I have to go through this.” [BuzzFeed] ● Last night, Chiddy Bang freestyled for 9 hours, 18 minutes, and 22 seconds to break the Guinness World Record for the longest rap in history. All nine hours are on video, if you feel the need. [Spinner] ● Hear Ye, Hear Ye! Diddy will only make appearances at grand openings from now on. [Page Six]

The Goring: The Last Place Kate Middleton Will Sleep as a Commoner

I’m fairly disgusted with myself for giving into the Official Royal Wedding Media Frenzy this morning (take a sick bag if you need one), but if ever there was a bit of hotel news to share, it would have to be this: soon-to-be-princess Kate Middleton will spend her last night single and as a commoner (they really need to think of another word for ‘non royal’) at The Goring, possibly one of the most charming family-owned hotels, just around the corner from Buckingham Palace.

image Despite being family owned, it’s often described as exceedingly posh. The Queen Mother used to “pop in” for afternoon tea, and it’s not difficult to see why, with elegant (read: traditional but not chintzy) décor, warm and efficient staff, and the largest private hotel garden in central London. Middleton will stay in beautifully decorated rooms with marble bathrooms that come equipped with those awesome heated towel racks. In addition to the usual bells and whistles, Queen Victoria’s wedding dress and tiara is also on display in the luxury suite reserved for Kate Middleton. Perhaps it’s silly to note that the concierge service is reputedly one of best in the capital.

The palace confirmed that the young bridesmaids and pages will also leave for Westminster Abbey from The Goring along with maid of honor Pippa Middleton. William, on the other hand, will spend his night elsewhere with his best man and brother Prince Harry.

The U.K. paper The Sun has an exhaustive account of the suite and the $240,000 remodeling of its top floor done in preparation for Middleton, but I’d like to just point out a few of the truly bad-ass amenities totally fit for a princess:

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The “loo” in the top-floor apartment features an original “Venerable” toilet by 19th-century plumber Thomas Crapper.

An antique wedding dress believed to be a prototype for the gown worn by Queen Victoria in a glass-fronted display wardrobe in the bedroom.

One of the two bathrooms has a waterproof TV.

Men in top hats are everywhere.

The Royal Wedding Movie: A Review

Last night, William & Kate, the rushed-to-production TV movie about the royal wedding, premiered on Lifetime. Don’t worry, I tuned in so you didn’t have to. Verdict: it’s really, shockingly, terribly bad! I can’t even really begin to express how bad. But I watched the whole thing, and I’m sorry (I’m not sorry) to say that I enjoyed it thoroughly.

The movie’s budget was reportedly about $4.5 million. Is that low for a TV movie? It certainly looked low. The sets looked like something from The Room — all cheap white furniture and harsh lighting. According to the movie, Buckingham Palace may look fancy from the outside, but inside it’s just one dining room, around which Prince Charles, Harry, and William are always sitting in awkward silence.

The plotline follows “Wills” and Kate’s relationship from their first meeting at St. Andrew’s to their dramatic, short-lived breakup, to his proposal years later in a set that’s supposed to be Kenya. Someone named Camilla Luddington plays Kate. I had to turn to the people I was with and ask, “Is that actress supposed to be Kate Middleton?” and “Is that actress actually British?” As I was to learn, yes to both.

Wills is played by a very handsome doltish type called Nico Evers-Swindell, a native New Zealander. He’s much more handsome than the real Prince William. And that’s about all I can remember about him.

The whole movie seemed to be a long, wistful look between Wills and Kate, interspersed with scenes of people reading tabloids. Everyone was reading British tabloids constantly. At breakfast, in bed, always. Shots of headlines, like, “WAITIE KATIE DEVASTATED BY BREAKUP” replaced actual scenes of Waity Katie being devastated by the breakup. In tracking shots of the St. Andrews cafeteria, everyone had the Daily Mail or The Sun in hand. Somehow I doubt that the British elite always have their noses in a red-top?

For single ladies, the story contained all kinds of sexist relationship advice. Lessons I learned from William & Kate:

• Lingerie will always work to get the guy. Especially if it’s some off-the-rack Frederick’s of Hollywood thing-a-ma-jig with glitter on it. Wear it in public, even! • Totally put your life on hold and base major decisions, like where you’ll live and what you’ll do, on your relationship with your college boyfriend. • During an argument with said boyfriend, a good trick for making him feel bad and come crawling back is to just storm right off. Storm away again and again. Even pull the old “STOP THIS CAR RIGHT NOW” trick.

All that being said, it was a fucking blast to watch with the aid of white wine. There’s just something about the royal wedding, I guess? Something about campy TV movies about the royal wedding? As one British critic put it, “Critics in America have panned this movie as a cheesy chick-flick, but there are positives. It is recognisably a film, in that it takes place on a screen. Events run in a forward direction.” There you go! There are…some positive things to say about it. Remember, the Most Important Wedding Ever is on Friday April 29 at 6am EST.