Responding to Letterman, Rosie O’Donnell Goes Hard

Most celebrity feuds are pretty boring to follow. Someone Tweets something rude, someone Tweets something back, they bicker and snipe through statements given to E! until reconciling on a giant pile of money. But when comedians go at each other? They don’t kid around. On his show, David Letterman made fun of Rosie O’Donnell’s recent engagement, cracking, "The woman she is marrying, her fiance, was driving and her car broke down. And guess what happened? Rosie pulls up right behind her in her tow truck.” In response, Rosie didn’t whine about the unfairness or the double standard or what have you, though she could have. She simply used her talk show to get even.

Showing the Letterman clip to her audience, Rosie spun around and asked, “Why is that Dave? Why? I don’t remember making fun of you when you had sex with all your interns! I didn’t do that. I didn’t make fun of your rampant, throbbing heterosexuality, did I Dave?” She then dropped a Top Five list of her own: "The Top Five Reasons Why I Won’t Do Your Program." Her number five reason: "Dave, when you had that heart surgery, you shouldn’t have told the doctors to take out that whole thing." Cold! Frigid! Burning ice! (You can watch a partial video at Entertainment Weekly.)

When taking sides in a celebrity feud, you have to consider two things: Who acted first, and who delivered the harshest burn? Keeping that in mind, how could you not be on Team Rosie? Or don’t pick sides at all, I guess; all things considered you’d be better off reading a book or doing your taxes. But it’s still pretty funny. Below, watch Rosie serving it to Elisabeth Hasselbeck, because why not.

Morning Links: Rosie O’Donnell Is Engaged, Texts From Bennett Raps

● Rosie O’Donnell announced yesterday on her show that she is engaged to her girlfriend since September, Michelle Rounds, and that the two will say "I Do" in front of their families this Christmas. [LAT]

● Larry King doesn’t want to die, actually. "I want to be frozen on the hope that they’ll find whatever I died of and bring me back," he explains to a table of celebrities on CNN Presents: A Larry King Special: Dinner with the Kings, airing Sunday. [People]

● It comes as no real surprise that the Texts From Bennett creator fancies himself, as most viral internet stars eventually do, a rapper. For his big debut, Mac Lethal went with a cover of Chris Brown’s "Look At Me Now" reimagined as "Cook With Me Now (Pancakes)." [The Dish]

● Deadline reports that, with the script in near working order, the film version of 24 will begin shooting as soon as Kiefer Sutherland is relieved of his Touch duties in April. Tick, tick, tick… [Deadline]

Star Trek legend Nichelle Nichols, who played Lieutenant Uhura aboard the USS Enterprise, says that Spock was originally concieved as a woman. Which, well, could not possibly have been as fun. [DailyMail]

● As he did so well for There Will Be Blood, Johnny Greenwood is slated to score Paul Thomas Anderson’s still very secretive Scientology film, The Master. [Collider]

Rosie O’Donnell Totally Gets Where Chris Brown Is Coming From

As we all know by now, Chris “Angrypants” Brown trashed his dressing room at Good Morning America and smashed a chair through a window after he was asked about that time when he beat up Rihanna. Rosie O’Donnell totally understands. “Part of me wanted to take a chair and throw it through the window at The View after all that happened,” she said on her satellite radio show. But you didn’t, Rosie. He did.

O’Donnell also asked why Brown has to be held “to a different standard than everyone else.” (Everyone is held to the standard of not breaking windows with chairs, I believe. Maybe I’m wrong.) She wants to get in touch with the hosts of GMA and say “Can you take a look at this again and see if maybe you find — in any way — your responsibility in this?” What an odd pairing.

It’s also kind of funny for a celebrity to come right out in support of Chris Brown, since he’s such a pariah now — lame attempt at a comeback be damned. It’s like when people try to defend Charlie Sheen. This is a guy who needs serious help, right? It’s not just a thing where had a fit of rage one time. Having violent outbursts — even in public, where it will hurt his image most — is something that Chris Brown seems to do pretty regularly, or at least more regularly than everyone else who manages to not hit their girlfriends or throw chairs through windows when they don’t want to answer a question.

Chris Brown comes first on my list of people who should not have a comeback, ahead of Carrot Top and Lindsay Lohan. Time to stop paying attention to him, and then maybe he’ll stop acting out violently in the public eye.

Links: The Olsen Twins Were ‘Little Monkey Performers,’ Emma Watson Is Your New Haircut

● Mary-Kate Olsen says she “would never wish my upbringing on anyone,” calling herself and sister Ashley “little monkey performers.” You got it, dude! [HuffPo] ● Heidi Montag, who recently filed for divorce, is now spending time watching old episodes of The Hills, tweeting at her ex-friends, and doubtlessly drying her tears with dollar bills. [TV Watch] ● Both Jennifer Aniston and Julie Roberts are channeling Barbra Streisand in new magazine photoshoots, leading many to wonder, “Who wore it better?” and just about everyone to wonder, “Why?” [Celebuzz]

● Nearly all of Emma Watson’s hair is gone after a mysterious wand accident. But really, what kind of hippie institution are they running at this “Brown University”? [MTV] ● Rosie O’Donnell will return to television with a show on Oprah’s new OWN network, as the pair work to restore themselves to ’90s greatness, hopefully by getting matching perms. [Vulture] ● John Goodman lost 100 pounds. He quit drinking and someone finally told him he was no longer on Roseanne. [People]

Meet Rosie O’Donnell’s New Woman: She Paints ‘Anus’

Back in November, former Queen of Nice Rosie O’Donnell announced that her partner Kelli Carpenter had moved out of their home two years earlier. This past Tuesday, O’Donnell was photographed canoodling with a women in Miami Beach, who has now been identified as Tracy Kachtick-Anders, a Texas-based artist with six kids, five of whom are adopted. According to the Huffington Post, the Dina Lohan lookalike is “an activist for LBGT adoptive rights, and she founded the non-profit Open Arms Campaign, which helps recruit foster and adoptive families.” Meanwhile, over at Rosie.com’s Ask Ro column, filled with reader questions and O’Donnell ciphers, Maggie writes, “so u screwed Kel and got all u wanted. This one will also walk, once she gets what she wants. LOOK in the mirror, u r UGLY!!! She only wantts money, maybe u should find someone ugly who will like u” Rosie’s response: “r u available maggie?” But not so fast, potential Rosie paramours, because The View‘s former firestarter has her sights set on Tracy for the time being. In an attempt to get to know Ro’s new gal pal, let’s examine a few of her scary paintings, on view here, after the jump (“Anus” is to the left).

image Wyatt’s Heart. It looks like her son, Wyatt, has some cardiovascular and respiratory problems, which is awful and sad. Here is painting of his heart, which in and of itself is sweet, but also nightmare-inducing as it’s lined on all sides by barbed wire, broken glass, and metal spikes. Next to the muscle’s fortress are the words, “Please keep it safe.”

image Wyatt the Warrior. Okay, so this one is really cute at first glance, an heroic ode to her strong but struggling baby boy. But with that pacifier in his mouth, and the blue of his skin, the baby looks corked up and struggling unnecessarily for air. Bonus cute points for the zebra are taken away for the sharp medieval weapon the baby is brandishing.

image Devil Baby. I suppose most parents have been here, forced to wrestle with the difficulties of a colicky baby. But the mixed visual metaphors are a little much, Trace. The mother in the photo looks blue, as if she herself can’t get enough air, her hair is made from fire, she has fangs for teeth, and she’s dangling her baby like Michael Jackson did from that hotel room balcony. Plus, there’s a halo around the crown of her head! Plus, her baby is naked save for pure white booties — who does that?

Missed Connections: Rosie O’Donnell + Angelina Jolie

With the “R” in her LTR set to splinter off and drop out entirely for Rosie O’Donnell, perhaps there’s no time like the present to go on the record about close calls and missed encounters. O’Donnell, known most famously for portraying Betty Rubble in the 1994 film adaptation of The Flintstones, has already hinted at trouble brewing between her and partner Kelli Carpenter. And while no one’s driven the final stake through their love, O’Donnell’s already started shooting her mouth off about a sweet, tender, steamy love that once almost was. With Angelina Jolie no less. It’s a tale as old as time itself, but evergreen like pines in the Great North. It’s the traditional tale of the fat girl waiting by the punch bowl at the prom for the sexy mom of six to float over to her and initiate the first dance.

But! This story doesn’t have a happy ending. O’Donnell says, “She gave me her phone number. We talked on the phone two or three times, but that was that. There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through.” Sniffle. But lo, it gets worse! “I was a little afraid of her. She’s scary in a sexual kind of way. I have dreams about her a lot still.” And in those dreams, Angelina does actually float over to Rosie and extend a silvery-gloved hand out to her, as this gentle country tune underscores the loving glances they exchange. But then, tragedy! Upon grabbing Angelina’s hand, Rosie is alarmed, then grief-stricken, to find her True Heart’s Desire dissolve into a thousand sparks. After waking up, chilled sweats and all, she finds that all she has in her hands is a memory of what almost was. Then Rosie swears off good humor and embarks on a series of self-destructive life choices. Like the one below.

NYC Celebs: Where Do You Go Out?

imageAt the opening of Hair on Broadway, March 31:

● ROSIE O’DONNELL: We have just little local ones in our neighborhood that we go to, but we don’t really “hang out,” you know. I mean, we have four kids under the age of 13. You don’t really hang out a lot, when that happens. You know, the local Irish pub in our town, the OBI or the Casa del Sol, the Mexican restaurant. You know, there’s some kid-friendly places that we go — we’re kinda dull.

● TIM ROBBINS: Oh, uh, yeah — I’m tryin’ to think of someone that needs help right now. [laughs] A lot of people are hurtin’ with this economy. I can’t, I can’t — I don’t go out much. No, I don’t go to bars. We like Basta Pasta on 17th Street — great food. It’s an Italian restaurant run by Japanese people. Pasta with the cheese — they put it into a big wheel of cheese, and it’s really yummy.

● GINNIFER GOODWIN: Oh, I’ll give you LA. My favorite restaurant is this little spot called Vegan Glory, in a strip mall on Beverly. They have the most phenomenal tacos. Are you a vegan? I am, and that’s where I get my taco fix. I recommend the faux beef tacos — absolutely!

● TOVAH FELDSHUH: It’s not that extraordinary. I like to go to Orso, ’cause it’s right next to the theater. I love to go to the Harvard Club, where we’re members. I love to go to Daniel. Oh, my god, Bouley — way downtown; it’s brand new; it’s extraordinary. I went there for one lunch. I love little Chez Josephine, when I’m playing 42nd Street — Restaurant Row — I love to do Jean-Claude at Chez Josephine. You know, I go to the places that patronize me, that are good to me, and that are easy on me. Sardi’s always takes care of me — I always have their steamed vegetables and tofu ’cause I’m dieting. I love the bread — the extraordinary, very, very, thin, paper-thin bread, that’s garlic and thyme, at Orso’s. I love the Harvard Club ’cause they know me. I’ve been a member all my life, through my father, my husband, and my son. I love The Ivy restaurant in London. I eat there a lot. And I love The Ivy in Los Angeles, on Melrose. And I love The Wolseley in London. It’s fantastic. It was an old bank, like tonight [Gotham Hall], an old bank.

At the Lymelife premiere, Gen Art Film Festival, April 1:

● JILL HENNESSEY: I love the question. God, there’s so many. There’s a new place that opened up called The Charles — John DeLucie’s the owner. Oh, Tillman’s, one of my favorites. I think Leslie Bernard is the owner. Irving Mill, which my husband and I are partners in — it was rated as having the best burger in New York City, and one of the best new chefs, great bar. But Tillman’s — Leslie Bernard owns another place called Mr. Jones on 14th Street. It’s like this 1960s James Bond world that you suddenly walk into, with the best yakitori, food, and incredible drinks. Very sexy, very hip.

ALEC BALDWIN: I’m not a drinker, but my favorite bar to hang out in is the American Hotel in Sag Harbor, Long Island, ’cause it’s just a great, great, old room. It’s a great space.

Links: Zoey Deschanel vs. Katy Perry, Dita Von Teese Enraged

● Has hell frozen over? Star Jones and Rosie O’Donell will be hosting a charity luncheon together. They can bond over the food. [US] ● Zooey Deschanel says the constant Katy Perry comparisons are getting “a little annoying,” cause the only thing they have in common are blunt bangs. [MTV] ● Kate Moss says although she’s not with child, she’s been pregnant for the last two years if tabloids were to be believed. [DigitalSpy]

Dita Von Teese is infuriated over reports she has been secretly sexting David Beckham. [DitaFan] ● Nicole Scherzinger knows that Britney Spears can “throw down” when it comes to dancing, and that’s why she would never have a dance-off with her. [MTV] ● Gale Harold, who played Teri Hatcher’s young boy-toy on Desperate Housewives, will return to the show May 3 after getting into a terrible motorcycle accident that sidelined his stint on the show. [EW]