‘Machete Kills’ Trailer Features Stacked Cast, Explosions

When we last left Danny Trejo’s gun-slinging grindhouse assassin Machete, he had just finished dispatching a corrupt, racist border patrol officer and his team to defend the innocent people they preyed upon in a cartoonish, gory and thoroughly entertaining manner. Now, Robert Rodriguez’s character is ready to return in a new sequel, Machete Kills, and this time, he’s working for the U.S. government.

When we first stumble upon Machete in the all-new international trailer for the film, he is hanging from a rope. He’s cut loose to talk to the president (played by Carlos Estevez, a former CBS sitcom headliner opting not to use his stage name), enlisting him to track down and stop a mad arms dealer (Mel Gibson for some reason) from launching a destructive missile.

The movie looks like explodey-gory summer blockbuster fun, and if either of the two aforementioned names turn you off, the rest of the cast sounds far more redeeming: Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez return, and joining the fun are Sofía Vergara, the underrated Demián Bichir, previous Rodriguez collaborators Antonio Banderas and Alexa Vega (Spy Kids, y’all!), Amber Heard, special effects master Tom Savini, Cuba Gooding Jr., Vanessa Hudgens, and the mighty Edward James Olmos. Rodriguez has assembled quire the ensemble. The film hits theatres this September; watch the trailer below. 

Lady Gaga and Danny Trejo, Together At Last In ‘Machete Kills’

Little monsters and adherents to the Church of Cinematic Gore emitted many a 140-character squeal today after Lady Gaga and Robert Rodriguez both announced that the singer will make her acting debut in 2013’s Machete Kills, the sequel to the Grindhouse offshoot starring Danny Trejo as a bounty hunter shooting and hacking his way through a cabal of corrupt border militiamen. In the character poster released today, Gaga dons animal fur and a femme fatale look as "La Chameleón," a role in which Rodriguez said she "kicked SO MUCH ASS!" (emphasis his). The "femme fatale"/assassin role seems probable, but with a name like that, you can bet there will be a whole lot of elaborate costume changes. Oh, and of course the little monsters are already making their own fan versions of the image. Tumblr is going to be a very different place by tomorrow, mark my words. 

The IMDb page for Machete Kills also has Cuba Gooding Jr. listed as a character called "La Camaleón," so perhaps they’re some sort of bizarre crime-fighting/causing duo? But Gaga is one of just a number of stars confirmed or reportedly attached to the sequel, which finds Machete tracking down a rogue arms dealer through Mexico to stop him from launching weapons into space. Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez return as Sartana and Luz, respectively, joined by Amber Heard as Miss San Antonio, Sofía Vergara, Demián Bichir, Edward James Olmos (!), Rodriguez’ Spy Kids star Alexa Vega and… Mel Gibson as Luther Voz, the villainous arms dealer in question. Also, Charlie Sheen is apparently playing the President, because if you’re going to have one high-profile human meme frequently associated with misogynist/anti-Semitic words and behaviors in a movie, you might as well go for broke and add another, and make him the President. Oh well, there’s still Sofía Vergara. And Danny Trejo. And Gaga, kicking "SO MUCH ASS." It’s like a celeb-obsessed teenager’s Twitter feed put in a blender, except with more guns and a sweet soundtrack. We’ll see what happens. 

Buy or DIY: Antiqued Bib Necklace

Have you ever almost bought a necklace for its perfect shape and style, but just couldn’t come to terms with how “clean” looking it appeared? If only those crystals were less sparkly and a little more rusty. Now imagine if you discovered that same necklace, like, 10 years later, at a garage sale or flea. The abandoned bauble is fading fast and fairly rough around the edges, but it’s still completely intact. It’s a piece of history, and it’s everything you ever wanted. You smirk to yourself as you quickly hand the owner a measly 10 bucks for it, knowing well that her trash is definitely your treasure. It may sound strange, but it’s true—jewelry really does get better with age. Until you find the antique necklace to end all antique necklaces, there are some promising jewelry designers out there who understand the beauty of vintage, creating pieces that look aged but are actually brand-new. These pieces also come with a modern price tag, so if you can’t afford to fake it, The Glamourai has the perfect DIY for faux antiquity.

Clockwise from left: Robert Rodriguez Antique Brass Necklace, $310; Elie Tahari Vivian Crystal Bib Necklace, $348; Tom Binns Swarovski Crystal Safety Pin Necklace, $940.

Holiday Dress Spectacular

With all the numerous holiday parties and celebrations, you’re going to need more than a little black dress. The old way was going and buying dresses or recycling ones you’ve already worn. Well, this year you don’t have to do either. Want to know how? I’m about to reveal one of the best kept secrets in fashion. It’s called Rent the Runway. It’s a site where you can rent designer dresses for as low as $50! I know, it’s unbelievable. So, you can drop $1,250 on a Missoni or you can rent it for $150! Robert Rodriguez Black Label for $75! Halston Heritage for $50! I know, that’s a lot of exclamation points–I’m getting really excited. Plus, it’s not only dresses. You can also rent accessories, jewelry, and handbags.

Here’s how it works: you use the database to select a delivery date one to two days before your event. You pick out your dress (you can even order a backup size for free or a second style for $25). They deliver your dress (guaranteed on time) including a prepaid return envelope. They even take care of the dry cleaning. You get to wear a designer dress at a fraction of the price and remain free of buyer’s remorse. And, if you end up hating the dress, you’re returning it anyway! If you love the dress, you can go out and buy it. It’s a win-win. Yes, ladies, we’ve died and gone to shopping heaven–at least for one night.

Pros and Cons of ‘Predators’

Last night, against my will, I was dragged to see the new Predators movie with Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Alice Braga, and Laurence Fishburne. After 106 minutes of stewing in disbelief that this movie was actually made, I compiled a list of ‘Cons.’ My movie-going partner, who’s been a fan of the original Governator-starring Predator since 1987, was somehow watching the same movie and came up with a list of ‘Pros’. Two different perspectives after the jump. Spoiler alert.

Pros: -It had great references to and drew on imagery from the the first Predator. -The Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne) cameo was fantastic. –That 70’s Show guy (Topher Grace) was awesomely creepy. -There’s a new breed/species of a more-advanced Predator creature in this one. -The chain machine is back (from the first movie). -The dialogue is just as complex and deep as in the first movie. -There is a great ninja fight scene with samurai swords.

Cons: -The whole human-hunting thing on a game preserve reminds me of John Leguizamo’s terrible ’90s movie, The Pest. -Wait, where’s Schwarzenegger? -It takes way too long for the Predators to appear. This tactic doesn’t build suspense, it encourages boredom and forced me to focus on the bogus dialogue. -Adrien Brody is not believable as a jacked-up, muscular, ex-mercenary leading man. I don’t buy it, Robert Rodriguez. Was Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson busy or something? -People keep saving Topher Grace and then being killed themselves. That doesn’t make sense. Topher doesn’t even have a knife, he’s just dead weight. Unrealistic. -Alice Braga makes the tie-in to the first movie by sobbingly admitting to the group that she knows what the Predators are, thanks to a massacre in her home country of Guatemala. We could have figured it out on our own. Yawn. -After Predator 2, Alien vs. Predator, and Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem , it’s high time to put this one to bed. But, no, of course, the ending of this one leaves room for plenty more Predator installments for years to come.

13 Hollywood Mistresses Worth Cheating For

Tiger Woods may be up to his putter in a mistress scandal, but what’s most disturbing about this particular case of martial infidelity is that Tiger’s wife is a ridiculously attractive Nordic supermodel. Despite this fact, the man still found it necessary to cheat with strange picked up at various bars across the country. Sure, some of the girls in question aren’t too shabby either, but was it really worth it? Now, no one here is advocating cheating on wives or significant others, but if you are a celebrity and you do decide to cheat, at least shoot for an upgrade. For example!

(‘DiggThis’)image1. Kevin Federline Cheated on Shar Jackson with Britney Spears. It’s sad to say, but when looking at the options, I don’t think any man on earth really blames K-Fed for his decision. It’s like when you own a clunker, and some executive does a suicidal plummet off of the roof of his office and the keys to his Benz just happen to land in your hand. What, you’re not going to trade up?

image2. Billy Crudup Cheated on Mary-Louise Parker with Claire Danes. Now I know there may be some heated debate on this one, but let the record show that this bout of infidelity took place prior to Parker’s sexy turn on Weeds. What makes this a particularly nasty split is that Parker was pregnant when Billy broke their bond. What goes around comes around, as Danes eventually cheated on Billy with Hugh Dancy while filming Evening. Oh well, Billy, you had a good run.

image3. Donald Trump Cheated on Ivana Trump with Marla Maples. Money may not buy happiness, but in Ivana’s case, the rumored $20 million and change from her divorce certainly must have helped. Was it any surprise that Donald cheated? Not likely. It was more of a surprise that he managed to get a woman as hot as Marla Maples. Come to think of it, maybe money really does buy happiness. Though apparently, it doesn’t buy a good toupee. However, do you really need a good toupee when you’ve got money to close the deal?

image4. Paul Hogan Cheated on Noelene Hogan with Linda Kozlowski. Paul and Noelene were the Australian equivalent of Brangelina for many years. Then Hogan met Linda Kozlowski on the set of Crocodile Dundee and saw her in that one-piece bathing suit. The rest is history, mate. Apparently it was a love at first sight scenario, because the two are still together and even have a son between them. Good job Paul. I mean, if you’re going to cheat, at least.

image5. Brad Pitt Cheated on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie. If you didn’t know about this one, then hopefully a landslide will take down that rock you’ve been living under. While it’s hard for a man to imagine how anyone could cheat on Jennifer Aniston, it’s harder for a man to imagine not sleeping with Angelina Jolie given the opportunity. Jen is hot, but the concept of “Branifer” just isn’t as clever. Also, think of the African children saved by this union!

image6. David Letterman Cheated on Regina Lasko with Stephanie Birkitt. Well, all right, Letterman’s given himself enough grief over this one. Among others.

image7. Balthazar Getty Cheated on Rosetta Getty with Sienna Miller. While Balthazar has kids with Rosetta, he clearly made the right choice in picking Sienna Miller, according to cheater calculus. Truly, if you’re going to pick someone to break up your marriage, don’t you want to pick the girl that you know won’t last long? See also: Jude Law.

image8. Marc Anthony Cheated on Dayanara Torres with Jennifer Lopez. No one can deny that Dayanara Torres is attractive, but when presented with J-Lo on a hook, who wouldn’t take the bait? Clearly it was worth the trouble, because people actually know who Marc Anthony is now. He’s still not known for being a musician, but fame is fame. And in true player form, Anthony has even been caught cheating on J-Lo with Dayanara.

image9. Billy Bob Thornton Cheated on Laura Dern with Angelina Jolie. Laura Dern is an elegant, charming dream girl that any man would love to be with. But as Billy Bob and the rest of male America knows at this point, Angelina Jolie is the wet dream girl that any man would be crazy not to sleep with. This trade up is so easy to understand that even Laura Dern got it, and eventually traded up herself, settling down with musician Ben Harper.

image10. Nick Lachey Cheated on Jessica Simpson with Vanessa Minnillo. You may think Nick is crazy for cheating on Jessica Simpson, but that’s because you’re not Nick Lachey. It’s hard for most people to envision doing better than Jessica because she’s the spitting image of a busty girl next door. On the other hand, Vanessa Minnillo is like the exotic version of the busty girl next door.

image11. Usher Cheated on Tameka Foster with Grace Miguel. Everyone involved here is certainly attractive and accomplished and would have no need of, say, cutting a person who remarked on the situation, so let’s move on.

image12. Robert Rodriguez Cheated on Elizabeth Avellán with Rose McGowan. Director doing his star? Shocking. Strangely there’s almost a ghost of a physical resemblance there, in some intangible way. But why go where Marilyn Manson has already been?

image13. Dave Navarro Cheated on Carmen Electra with Jenna Jameson. In terms of raw beauty, it’s impossible to determine if Carmen is hotter than Jenna, or vice versa. That would be like comparing a sunset in Fiji to a sunset in Hawaii, or a jeweled dog collar to a jeweled leash. There’s no difference. But when it comes down to “professional talent,” one of them only looks like a porn star, while the other actually is a porn star.

Links: Roman Polanski Friends & Foes, Jessica Alba Gets Focked

● Did you hear Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian aren’t really married? Oh wait, yeah they are. [TMZ, People] ● Speaking of the wedded couple, OK! isn’t too happy with them after having to fork over an additional $50,000 (on top of their $250,000 for exclusive wedding photos) in order to buy back the paparazzi shots of the couple. [NYPost] ● It only took one day for the “Free Roman Polanski” backlash to happen; although filmmakers like Woody Allen, David Lynch, and Martin Scorsese are for his release, French director Luc Besson and the Polish Prime Minister think that the man who made Chinatown isn’t above the law. [Timesonline]

● Jessica Alba is set to star in the third installment of Meet the Fockers as a “pharmaceutical rep whose looks wreak havoc on the male characters.” [RiskyBusinessBlog] ● Kristin Cavallari has some standards — that’s why she declined being another notch on John Mayer’s well worn belt. [People] ● Rose McGowan and Robert Rodriguez have called it quits; the couple no one remembers were engaged has broken up. [Radar]

Links: Lindsay Lohan’s New Marilyn Monroe Moment, No Spock Salute

● Director Robert Rodriguez says his remake of Barbarella, with fiancé Rose McGowan taking over the lead, is officially dead. [MTV] ● Green Day are getting down with their fans by playing a free show for a small group that will then be put on Myspace. [NME] ● Lindsay Lohan was seen evoking her idol Marilyn Monroe, yet again, for a Spanish Vogue photo shoot. [CelebGossip]

● Jack White is keeping busy post-White Stripes; there’s his side band the Raconteurs, and now he’s collaborating with the Dex Romweber Duo for a single, out this month, recorded at White’s Nashville home studio. [NME] ● Liev Schreiber showed off a photo to David Letterman of himself dressed as a transvestite from his new film Taking Woodstock, holding his young son Sasha. [JustJared] ● Rumor has it Zachary Quinto couldn’t do the Vulcan salute as Spock, infuriating director JJ Abrams so much that he glued the actor’s fingers together in order to make the sign. [P6]