Midweek New Music: Rick Ross Returns, Tim Heidecker Spoofs Dylan and More

Rick Ross feat. Wale and Drake – "Diced Pineapples"

Following the release of the fantastic Rich Forever mixtape is the impending arrival of Ross’ album, the rather to-the-point God Forgives, I Don’t. Drake, who made an appearance on Rich Forever‘s standout track "Stay Schemin’," returns to give some extra lift to Wale’s very complicated chat-up lines and Rick Ross’ cinematic art-of-seduction verses on this steamy track inspired by Ross’ recovery fruit of choice. RUH. 

The Mountain Goats – "Cry For Judas"

Indie-rock’s favorite English lit professor and frequent tweeter John Darnielle is back with a new album, Transcendental Youth, out October 2nd. Lead single "Cry For Judas" is a bit more upbeat musically than some of the Mountain Goats’ other notable cuts, with a kickin’ backbeat and a whole lot of horns. The lyrics, though, packed with religious imagery (hence the title), will go down well with fans: "unfurl the black velvet altar cloth, draw a white chalk Baphomet / mistreat your altar boys long enough and this is what you get."

Tame Impala – "Elephant"

Chunky, bluesy psych-pop, perfect music to hallucinate to in the 90+-degree heat. Tame Impala’s new album, Lonerism, drops in October, but before that, fans will get a collection of "Elephant" remixes, including one from the legendary Todd Rundgren. 

Tim Heidecker – "Titanic" 

Turns out, Jimmy Fallon does not actually have a monopoly on acutely parodying iconic ’60s singer-songwriters. Tim Heidecker, musician, comedian and one-half of zany Adult Swim duo Tim & Eric, released a video for his 15-minute ode to the sinking of the Titanic, done in the style of Dylan’s "Hurricane." The impersonation is so convincing that somewhere on the Internet right now there must be someone making a slideshow of kids on Twitter believing there was an actual unreleased Dylan song. 

Ten Celebrities Who Should Buy Appleton’s New $5,000 Jamaican Rum

On August 6, 1962, the Commonwealth of Jamaica declared its independence from Britain. In the years and months leading up to that historic moment, the sage distillers at Appleton Estate set aside a few barrels of their finest rum as an alcoholic time capsule, with the idea that it would be opened, blended, and bottled in honor of the country’s 50th anniversary in 2012. As Jamaica’s golden anniversary approaches, Appleton is releasing the spirit in limited quantities (800 bottles) and at a lofty price tag ($5,000 each). I was fortunate enough to receive a (small) sample bottle of Appleton 50-Year Jamaica Independence Reserve Rum. My first thought, after "How does it taste?" was "Who is going to buy it?" 

In the realm of ludicrously expensive booze, when people are dropping crazy amounts of money on a bottle of something, it’s usually either a fine French wine or some ridiculously old Scotch whisky. (As for the latter, the Macallan just broke the world’s record for most expensive whisky ever sold at auction with its 64-year-old going for $460,000.) In my professional drinking career, I’ve had the good fortune of tasting a $17,500 Scotch (Highland Park 50-year-Old), a $700 gin (Nolet’s Reserve Dry Gin), and an $800 orange liqueur (Grand Marnier Quintessence).  But I’ve never tasted a rum that sells for more than $200, so I was looking forward to sipping some of this extremely precious liquid.
So first of all, what does $5,000 rum taste like? The Appleton 50-Year-Old has a dark mahogany appearance and a strong, leathery aroma that makes it almost as much of a pleasure to smell as it is to drink. When you do actually drink it, you’ll notice an explosion of flavors, from vanilla and maple to cinnamon and citrus. It’s as smooth as the day is long, and the flavor lingers in your cheeks for minutes and in your mind forever. So let’s just say that it’s really, really good. In fact, it’s the best I’ve had. 
But who would buy it? Not me, I’m afraid. To me, $5,000 is a lot of money, but plenty of people drop that much in a night without thinking twice. And so, dear Appleton Rum marketing department, I’ve gone through the trouble of compiling a list of people you should approach with this amazing new (old) rum of yours.
When he founded Island Records in 1959, Blackwell brought ska and reggae to a worldwide audience, forging the careers of Bob Marley and many others along the way. Blackwell’s family on his mom’s side had been involved with Appleton Rum in the past, so not only does he have the money to buy a bottle or two, he’s got the family history to make it meaningful. Hit him up, Appleton.
The oldest son of Bob Marley, Ziggy’s not only an heir to a sizable fortune, he’s an active reggae musician himself. So maybe he grew up Rasta and abstains from alcohol most of the time. His purchase of this world-class product of Jamaica would be a ringing endorsement of one of the island’s premier industries. Ziggy ought to make an exception in this case and buy a bottle, even if he only serves it to guests. 
He’s one of the biggest reggae stars out there, and isn’t shy about being boombastic. A bottle of $5,000 rum from his homeland of Jamaica would look great on his coffee table. 
The artist once known as Snoop Doggy Dogg is in the midst of a major Jamaica thing right now, spending lots of time on the island filming a documentary tentatively titled Snoop in Jamaica. I’m not sure how strict he is about abstaining from alcohol as devout Rastas do, but if there’s any wiggle room, I’m sure he’ll find the Appleton 50 tastier than any gin ‘n’ juice he’s ever had. 
Busta’s from Red Hook, Brooklyn, but both of his parents are Jamaican, and his musical style is influenced by reggae rhythms and melodies. As one of the most successful rappers alive, he’s easily got the money to support the Jamaican economy with the purchase of a bottle or two. Pass the Courvoisier Appleton.
Thanks to his Major Lazer project with DJ Switch, Diplo has established himself as a force in Jamaican music. The duo’s first album, Guns Don’t Kill People … Lazers Do was recorded in Jamaica at Tuff Gong Studios and featured such notable Jamaican artists as Vybz Kartel. He’s worked with musicians as varied as Thom Yorke and Beyonce, which strongly suggests that he has both the means and the enthusiasm to procure and enjoy Jamaica’s finest rum. 
No, Nicki’s not Jamaican, she was born in Saint James, Trinidad, but she’s got that cool island thing going, and she absolutely tore it up at Jamaica Reggae Summerfest last year, so let’s give her a symbolic key to the island for her contributions. Anyway, this list is dominated by men, but women can appreciate a fine spirit as well as any of them. The Barbz would go nuts. 
Rihanna is from Barbados, which is not Jamaica. Barbados is, however, where rum was invented (or at least first officially produced) by Mount Gay Distilleries Ltd. in 1703, which means Riri knows it well. As a connoisseur, she’d look absolutely lovely sipping a glass of Appleton 50, and might even be inspired to write a song about it, which they probably wouldn’t mind at all.  
Rick Ross isn’t Jamaican either, but he is the bawse, which means he’s actively on the hunt for the best of everything, to consume conspicuously, in impressive quantities. Well, Mr. Ross, the next time you take over the VIP section of a nightclub like LIV in Miami Beach and avail yourself of the bottle service on offer, may I suggest steering clear of the vodka just once in favor of what may well be the best rum in the world? And can I come hang out with you? Okay, sorry. 
Even though he’s from Kenya Hawaii, President Obama remains wildly popular in the Caribbean. Instead of having a "beer summit" like he hosted with Skip Gates and that cop who arrested him in his own house that one time, he should have a rum summit centered around this elite bottle. And yes, I’d love to attend, so give me a ring, sir. I’m in the book.

Nas and Rick Ross Team Up for ‘Accident Murderers’

Nas’ upcoming album is called Life Is Good, but his newly-released track off said album featuring impressively hirsute heavy-hitter Rick Ross paints a far more somber tone. On "Accident Murderers,"  whose single sports a bullet-riddled cover, Nas and Rick Ross ruminate on young lives lost to violence. The bluesy organ and piano interplay and choral backing vocals make for an intoxicating track and draw attention to the story Nas wants to tell.

Several other tracks from the album have been released, including "Nasty," "The Don" (produced in part by the late, great Heavy D) and the No I.D.-produced "Daughters."

Life Is Good drops July 17th. Have a listen to "Accident Murderers" via SoundCloud. 

Linkage: James Cameron Looking For A Pandora Of His Own

From the depths of the ocean to the outer reaches of the atmosphere, James Cameron is truly embracing a life with no bounds. With a little help from Google, the Avatar director is working on a space venture, Planetary Resources, that will “overlay two critical sectors — space exploration and natural resources — to add trillions of dollars to the global GDP” and “help ensure humanity’s prosperity.” Because there must be a Pandora out there… [Mashable]

Do you spend your Sunday nights flipping between Mad Men and Good Wife and Girls and, oh no, does Veep start tonight? According to the New York Times, you are not alone. Rather, you might be a part of the "43 percent," the portion of America suffering from too much good television on Sunday nights and not enough DVR space. [NYT]

Carrie Mulligan and Mumford & Sons’ Marcus Mumford made things official over the weekend, quietly tying the knot in the English countryside in the company of Sienna Miller, Colin Firth and Jake Gyllenhaal. For some reason, though, the rest of Mumford’s bandmates were not invited. [E!]

After four weeks atop the box office, Hunger Games has been routed by unexpectdly well performing the Kevin Hart led adation of Steve Harvey’s self-help book, Think Like A Man. [ArtsBeat

Ducked out of the music game for a minute now, Conor Oberst is working on opening a cocktail lounge called The Pageturners Lounge in an old bookstore in Omaha.  [NME]

Rick Ross had a brush with the nautical authorities this weekend when Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission pulled him over in his yacht, from which the smell of weed was reportedly wafting. [TMZ]

Afternoon Links: Rick Ross Gets To Keep His Name, Lindsay Lohan’s Probation Ends

● A Los Angeles County Superior judge has tossed drug kingpin "Freeway" Rick Ross’s case against Rick Ross the rapper, leaving Rozay free to be just as he is. Ruh! [TMZ]

● Lindsay Lohan’s formal probation has at long last come to an end. And to celebrate, Lindsay has wisely opted for a quiet dinner with her sister, Aliana. Things are looking better already. [NYDN/TMZ]

● Diplo and Snoop Dogg are recording a reggae album together. According to Diplo, Snoop Dogg is "singing and he’s doing a f—ing awesome job and I never knew it, but he had his heart in every song." Okay! [CoS]

● Do you hear that sound? It’s the RIAA singing from rooftops because music sales are up—although just barely so, with an increase of only .2 percent—for the first time since 2004. [THR]

● The Cartoon Network is taking a trip down memory lane with their new classic cartoon block Cartoon Planet, featuring old favorites like The Powerpuff Girls and Johnny Bravo. [HuffPost]

● Spike Lee apologized today for too eagerly re-tweeting the wrong address for Trayvon Martin’s shooter, George Zimmerman. Now back to hoping he doesn’t get sued anyway… [DailyIntel]

Lil Wayne, Rick Ross, Chris Brown & Nicki Minaj Spit (Hot Fire) on DJ Khaled(‘s New Song)

DJ Khaled has the most stacked Rolodex this side of Lorne Michaels, which has allowed him to organize a steady string of All-Star collaborations between today’s hottest artists while hanging out in the background, calmly sipping a Four Loko. On his new song, "Take It to the Head," he collects Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown and Lil Wayne to rap what most rappers rap about on his tracks: how incredibly awesome they all, all of the time. But what else is there to talk about after working all winter, as Khaled says in the beginning? Listen to it after the click, via Spin.

"All my bitches is stylin’ / Beaches and eatin’ Italian," Nicki rhymes, whipping up the image of an all-expenses paid vacation for her entourage to Ibiza or Nice or somewhere else amazing. Take us with you! We will blog on command. "Take It to the Head" will show up on Khaled’s Kiss the Ring, which is coming out this summer.

Afternoon Links: Monkees Frontman Davy Jones Dead, Bristol Palin Gets a Lifetime Reality Show

● Dreamy Monkee’s frontman, Davy Jones, died of heart attack this morning at the age of 66. The porpoise is waiting, goodbye, goodbye… [TMZ]

● Miami police found a dead body outside of Rick Ross’s home this morning. Rozay was not home when the shooting took place and is not being considered a likely suspect, but he will likely be called in for questioning anyways. Guh! [MiamiTimes]

● Bristol Palin (you haven’t forgotten her yet, have you?) is getting her own Lifetime reality show called Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp, wherein she "adjusts to her life in Alaska" and "steadfastly [moves] forward both personally and professionally." [Vulture]

● It’s been a minute since we’ve seen Lindsay Lohan be funny on purpose, but these SNL promos show she’s still got it. [Vulture]

● Don Henely has apparently served Frank Ocean with some sort of cease and desist for his "Hotel California" riffing "American Wedding." And it seems to be working, because there is nary a not-muted version to be found on YouTube. [NME]

● Meryl Streep has given to more than just a school in Viola Davis’s hometown: over the years, Forbes reports, she has given away millions via her Silver Mountain Foundation to very little fanfare. Now that’s charity, no? [Forbes]

Morning Links: Lindsay Lohan Misses Her Flight, Gwenyth Paltrow GOOPs Her iPhone

● Lindsay Lohan missed her flight and, subsequently, her big Playboy reveal taping with Ellen DeGeneres. [E!]

● Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are headed down to Texas, and for some reason, they are taking grown-brother Rob Kardashian with them. [Us]

● Word has it that New York Yankee captian Derek Jeter sends his one night stands off into the new day’s light with a basket full of signed swag. And maybe a good bye kiss. But mostly autographed baseballs. [NYP]

● Cam’ron has been thus far honest about his feelings for Rihanna’s "We Found Love" ("That’s my shit," he tweets, adding that "’yellow diamonds in da light’ dats my favorite kind"), and so it comes as no surprise that he’s hopped on with a remix of his own. [NahRight]

● Gwenyth Paltrow has finally GOOPed-up her iPhone, expanding her popular newsletter into a city guide app filled "with all her favorite places, services, and people across the city"–her OBGYN and "more affordable" suggestions from Chauffer Rudy included. [Vulture]

Time names "The Protester" as their 2011 Person of the Year. [Time]

● Less pricey tables at Rick Ross’s very swagged out New Year’s Eve party in Miami include the "Aston Martin VIP" table and the "I’ma Boss" table. No plans yet? Get booking! [Page Six]

Afternoon Links: Keanu Reeves Does A Nice Thing, Entire Lindsay Lohan Playboy Spread Leaks

● Keanu Reeves is so casual in the way he offers his subway seat to a woman, you might almost believe he’s a nice guy. [BuzzFeed]

● Brett Easton Ellis says that if they really must go through with that American Psycho remake, they’ll have to cast Kardashian clan member Scott Disick. Or maybe Miles Fisher. Otherwise the whole thing is a no go. [Vulture]

● Better safe than sorry, Rick Ross has traded out a duffle bag boy for a med kit carrier. [TMZ]

● Snake, meet tail: things got real weird last night when Occupy Wall Street protesters found themselves #moccupy-ing Law and Order: SVU‘s Occupy Wall Street set, staged with stunning accuracy just a few blocks north of the Zuccoti Park. [Mother Jones]

● There’s reason to believe that the new year might bring a new album from Jay-Z, a new album from Kanye, and a Watch the Throne sequel. "You know, we’re really in a great place creatively," Jay-Z told MTV, speaking for the two. "We really found our zone.” [NahRight]

● Author and object of internet obsession, Tao Lin, was caught standing close to musician and object of internet obsession, Lana Del Ray. [HRO]

● "Am I biting you?" Rihanna asks the nice lady fitting her for a grill. "I’m used to it," responds the nice lady being bitten by Rihanna. [TheHairpin]

● They’re all here now: Lindsay Lohan in Playboy, the full spread. (NSFW) [ONTD]