Five Terrible Remakes In The Works

From gritty reboot to plain old plagiarism, here are the worst remakes currently in the pipeline.

Three Men and a Baby:

"Adam Sandler is planning to remake 1980s hit comedy flick ‘Three Men and Baby’. He would team up with Disney, who made the original for the project … Adam wants to remake the same movie again with Chris Rock, David Spade and Rob Schneider in the lead roles. The original ‘Three Men and Baby’ was also a remake of a French movie."

Highlander

"For fans of [Ryan] Reynolds’ other work, we wonder what this means for any potential of him suiting up soon for that other buzzed about project with a hard-to-kill sword-swinging protagonist: Deadpool. And more importantly, are we going to see Reynolds sport long locks like his predecessor? Is he going to rock a fake Scottish accent in flashbacks as part of the Clan MacLeod?"

RoboCop:

Unlike the original RoboCop, whose chrome-and-black armor suggested something that was part-man, part-carburetor, the new suit is a more anatomically-inspired and streamlined design, more exo-skeleton than cyborg. It recalls certain examples of superhero outerwear—more specifically, those worn by Batman in Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy.

Evil Dead:

Sam Raimi himself is producing the remake, as well as helping out Oscar-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody (Young AdultJunowith scripting duties.

Dirty Dancing:

Lionsgate is postponing the Dirty Dancing reboot. The studio has put the remake on ice for another year for casting reasons, Deadline has learned. The remake of the 1987 Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey film was scheduled to be released in July 2013, but now the movie is off the studio’s release dance card at least until 2014.

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Casting Call for Lifetime’s All-Black ‘Steel Magnolias’

Fact: Everyone loves movies in which old Southern women sit around and talk about stuff. That is why Steel Magnolias is on TV at least four times a day. The other reason: it has the best all-star cast of any movie to be described as having an all-star cast. Some might say that Steel Magnolias is sacred ground upon which no man shall build, but Deadline Hollywood reports today that Lifetime is developing a remake of the classic tear-jerker. A great man once said, you’ve gotta have a gimmick, and Lifetime’s bold move involves an all African-American cast. CHECKMATE!

The television remake, penned by Sally Robinson, will be an adaptation of the 1989 film screenplay rather than a new adaptation of the Robert Herring play on which it was based (Herring also wrote the film’s script). The only thing that could make this TV movie a disaster is the wrong cast, which is why we’re willing to do Lifetime a favor and tell them the absolutely correct actresses to put into the roles made famous by the likes of Julia Roberts, Sally Field, Dolly Parton, Olympia Dukakis, Darryl Hannah, and Shirley MacLaine.

First things first: the only woman who could possibly play M’Lynn Eatonton, the glamorous mother of the delicate Shelby, is Viola Davis. Viola Davis is M’Lynn Eatonton. Have you seen her cry? She is a pro, and she pretty much got an Academy Award nomination for crying in Doubt. Sally Field would drown in Viola Davis’s tears.

Phylicia Rashad would make a great Clairee Belcher, adding a touch of Mrs. Huxtable and likely improving upon Olymia Dukakis’s Southern-by-way-of-Brooklyn accent. And Mo’Nique as beauty parlor owner Truvy Jones, obviously. (If she’s busy, call Jackée.) And who is the only person who could step into the shoes of Ouiser Boudreaux? Whoopi Goldberg. Duh. Whoopi. The end.

Rounding out the cast would be Keisha Knight-Pullam as Annelle Dupuy, the daffy beautician. Rudy needs work, you guys! In the role of Shelby, the tragic victim of diabetes and too much love (as well as the reason why one would have to switch channels for roughly fifteen minutes every Saturday afternoon while watching the original film on Oxygen) the likely first choice is Beyoncé, because Beyoncé is always first-choice. But we think Lifetime should just call Tia and Tamera Mowry and call it a day.

You’re welcome, big-time TV execs. You should expect an invoice for our consulting fees within ten business days.

What Val Kilmer and Kid ‘n Play Have in Common

They’re raping my childhood again. Hollywood studios that is, who have reached a maximum aversion to anything other than pre-branded material. The 80’s are of late an especially ripe era for plundering it seems, with recent reboots, remakes, and re-jiggerings of such minor landmarks a Red Dawn, The Karate Kid, and Clash of the Titans all bound for the multiplex in short order. I have a feeling that this rapacity for old scripts isn’t ending here (you wish!), but rather beginning, and I’m steeling myself for lots more. A case in point is the news that two more sorta-beloved, second-tier 80’s favorites (though admittedly one is from 1990) are now slated to get the new millenial varnish job.

Pajiba reports that both science comedy Real Genius and musical (what?) House Party are serious contenders for remakes right now. The former is already going through re-writes at Columbia under the stewardship of Ron Howard’s Imagine Entertainment, and the latter is apparently in line to be a Brett Ratner (Rush Hour) project. These will be crap movies, rest assured, though neither of them inspires an “Oh God, why?” so much as a plain old “why?” These were never very interesting (or in the case of Real Genius, profitable) pictures to begin with, especially House Party, which was basically just an ad hoc vehicle for a rap duo Kid ‘n Play. Hitchcock may have famously averred that the best movies come from second-rate movies, but no one ever said good films come from crap movies.

Things will only go downhill from here.