By now, you have heard the sad, stunning news: Minnesotan presidential hopeful and professional laughingstock Michele Bachmann will not run for reelection to the U.S. House in 2014. It’s hard to imagine someone so obstructive and ignorant anywhere but in congress, isn’t it? Here are a few new careers she ought to think about, assuming she flunks the multiple-choice test all would-be Fox News pundits have to take.
TV Episode Recapper: We can never get enough of these, right? Bachmann’s idiotic gloss on the topics of the day, from climate change to same-sex marriage, achieved a kind of artistry I would love to see applied to the Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Verizon Customer Service Operator: People are always complaining about the impenetrable accents of the people supposed to help you over the phone. Bachmann’s gratingly clear voice should put that annoyance in perspective.
Lady Yelling Encouragement From Sideline Of Soccer Game Even Though None Of The Kids Playing Are Hers: Not really a job per se, but I can’t stop imagining this.
Tax Lawyer: Wasn’t she always going on about how she used to be one, even though taxes = bad and Real America shouldn’t have to pay them? It doesn’t sound remotely plausible, but a great choice if she feels like upping her cognitive dissonance factor some more.
Seller Of Official Government Paraphernalia On eBay: Have a strong feeling she’s way ahead of me on this one.
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