Linkage: Lindsay Lohan Might Be an Escort, Jessica Simpson Can’t Stop Bonin’, & a Kris Kross Reunion

If you’re wondering how the hell Lindsay Lohan can get away with jetting across the globe and staying in fancy hotels with nothing but money from Playboy shoots and Lifetime movies, here’s a possible explanation on where she gets her money: she might be working as a high-class escort for the rich and not-so-famous. Some of her alleged clients include Prince Haji Abdul Azim, third in line of the throne of Brunei (which is a real place, not like Genovia), and painter Domingo Zapata. Of course, these allegations come from her scumbag father, Michael Lohan, so take them with a couple shakers of salt. [Radar]

Nicole Kidman is on the cover of The Hollywood Reporter, and she dishes about Scientology—sort of. When pressed, she’ll say only: ‘I’ve chosen not to speak publicly about Scientology. I have two children [adopted with Cruise] who are Scientologists—Connor [the Red Dawn actor is now 17] and Isabella [20]—and I utterly respect their beliefs.’” The cover story also revels that Modern Family’s Sophia Vergara was director Lee Daniels’s first choice for Kidman’s role in The Paperboy, so just imagine that crazy lady doing her own hair and makeup and peeing on Zac Efron. [THR]

Jessica Simpson, as always, is both a good indicator of the failures of sex education in this country and an example of how annoying celebrities can be if their publicists can’t get them to shut the hell up. The occasional singer and sometimes actress told Jay Leno last night that she’d like to get married to fiancé Eric Johnson, with whom she has one child and a second on the way, but, in her words, “he keeps knocking me up.” [Fox News]

Sarah Jessica Parker replaced Demi Moore as Gloria Steinem in the upcoming Lovelace, premiering at Sundance, after Moore’s hospitalization for exhaustion early last year. It turns out it was all for naught: Steinem’s role in the film has been cut. [EW]

Because of money, NBC is going to roll poor Betty White out again and make her watch a bunch of people “pay tribute” to her for Betty White’s 2nd Annual 90th Birthday Special. The party’s guest list includes folks like Blake Shelton, Bill Clinton, and Larry King, because who else could possibly ruminate on all of Betty White’s achievements as an old actress who still makes dirty jokes when forced to read from cue cards in front of a TV camera? [Deadline]

Kris Kross are getting back together because they left a lot of things unsaid, a lot of pants unsagged, and also realized how much of a boner everyone has for the ’90s. [Vulture]

Does keeping a “princess-free” household promote feminist ideals in children or just keep them from having fun? [Jezebel]

Die Hard director John McTiernan is headed to jail for a year and must pay a $100,000 fine. And no, it’s not because he directed that Rollerball remake. [Indiewire]

R.I.P., old guy from old TV show. [TMZ]

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North Koreans Replacing Chinese as American Target Practice

This morning, a subway poster for the upcoming video game Homefront caught my eye. It featured a soldier blindfolded by a cloth emblazoned with a Socialist star, with the tagline “Home is where the war is.” In the background is the San Francisco skyline, with North Korean flags draped over buildings and dangling from the Golden Gate Bridge. The back story to the game, which was released yesterday, was that in the year 2027, North Korea has evolved into a superpower, and invade the U.S. Finally, I thought; we’re putting the North Koreans to good use by using them as meat puppets for Johnny America to maim and barbecue. Russians and Germans are so 20th century, and Islamic radicals are too close to home, so we need this.

And Hollywood is catching on, sort of. Today’s L.A. Times had an interesting report about yet another roadblock in the eternally delayed remake of Red Dawn, about a group of high schoolers who do battle with foreign hordes. In the original, the invading army was Cold War-era Russians, which are replaced by the Chinese in the updated version. However, since China has risen to become one of the largest overseas markets for American movies, distributors are nervous that Chinese baddies might offend the image-conscious nation.

So, what’s their solution? Instead of sacrificing millions of dollars in lost Chinese revenue, filmmakers have invested close to one million in digital alterations that will change all Chinese iconography to — you guessed it — North Korean iconography! But since references to China were too numerous to completely erase, they will still be the aggressors, part of a larger coalition of evil — just not the part getting shot in the head by Chris Hemsworth and crew. The Times article also references Homefront, which had China as their original enemy as well, but swapped in North Korea for business purposes, as well. So here’s to war with North Korea, fake for now, but hopefully one day real. Can you imagine how epic that would be?