‘Lauren Conrad is Basic!’ Says Allure Magazine, Basically

Photo: The Hills 

Former reality starlet and (queen of making her 15 minutes of fame last longer than any Hilton sister) Lauren Conrad has reached out to twitter to defend herself. Conrad took the time to call out Allure magazine for dubbing her style ‘Basic’. If you haven’t heard, basic is a word used by many to state that another person is plane-Jane-vanilla-bean-boresville.

The magazine went on to state that LC created her ‘basic’ look by wearing skinny jeans (no crime in that) and her signature hair-do that the mag describes as ‘sausage curls’. I don’t know about you, but please don’t ever refer to my hair as anything that has to do with Oscar Meyer.

The silver lining on this whole debacle is that Allure is basically calling itself basic. The glossy must’ve forgotten that back in April none other than LC herself graced the cover of the mag. Hopefully for Lauren’s sake she will look anything but basic at her upcoming nuptials.

New Reality Show Casting Husband-Hunting Grad Students

The same reality show creators behind Miss Advised, the program which deigned to put Julia Allison on television as a "dating authority," is currently casting ladies enrolled in grad school who are looking for that "Mrs." degree as well as an MD, PhD or MBA.

Jezebel was alerted by a tipster to a casting call on Craiglist posted in that educatinoal mecca of Gainesville, Florida. It claims the producers are from Bravo’s Miss Advised and ABC’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and are working with High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale’s production company, Blonde Girl Productions.

To whit, per Craiglist:

Looking for Love on Campus?? Calling all graduate degree-bound women looking for "Mr. Right" in college!

Are you getting your masters degree in hopes of finding the man of your dreams? Have you always set your sights on getting married in school or soon after? If you are in the process of getting your MBA, PhD, JD or any other graduate degree, and you hope to find the perfect man in the process, we are looking to speak with you about an exciting new TV show.

The creators of ABC’s "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and Bravo’s "Miss Advised" are partnering with Ashley Tisdale’s Blondie Girl Productions to cast for an exciting new docu-reality series on a major cable network. The show will focus on bright young women who are proud to be educating themselves while working towards their most important career goal yet … becoming a wife!

We want those blossoming, vibrant women to stand up and speak out about their journey to receive not only the degree of their choice, but to find the husband of their choice! We are looking to document these amazing women on the adventure of their lives pursuing their MRS. Degree!

Is marriage your ultimate goal? Have you met the man of your dreams in grad school? Or have you fallen in love with a career path? We want to hear your story. If interested in learning more information about the show, please email us your name, age, graduate program and all about your current journey at GraduateLoveCasting@rrstaff.com or call 323-860-6778.

Ooof. I know this is the point where, as a feminist, I’m supposed to rant and rave about bloody offensive it is to suggest a young woman’s "most important career goal" is "becoming a wife." And I most certainly could go on for pages and pages about its offensiveness. (And also inaccuracy: marriage does not, by definition, have a lot of bearing on one’s career "goals," unless  you are gunning to be one half of a power couple.) And I could/would use words like "backlash" and "regressive" to describe this reality TV show. How else would you describe a program exploiting the fact women’s educational accomplishments now surpass those of men to remind us all that what society really cares about is being a good little June Cleaver? Reality show producers must be thrilled the feminist movement has given them so much material to work with.

But instead? Honestly? All I’m going to say is that this doesn’t even sound interesting. It sounds like a trumped up version of what those of us who are economically privileged enough to pursue higher education are doing in real life. In our 20s and 30s, we are going to school and looking for love. Yes, it’s true! Some of want education, careers and marriage. Kids, too, even! It’s 2012 — they are not mutually exclusive.  Whether you’re a man or a woman, you probably have a dozen female friends who are pursuing degrees while dating. They are not necessarily gunning for the "Mrs. degree" on purpose, but would certainly like that to happen down the line. You can listen to your friends complain about this in wine bars RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT if you want. Wanting to get married isn’t something to be ashamed of, not even if you’ve got a couple of degrees. #sorryfeminists

So in that sense, it is "reality." But it’s only going to be offensive the way that the show is positioned — women who are going to die alone with their cats because they are so ambitious and well-educated can’t find love!  So if you’re in one of the 20 cities were casting notices have supposedly been posted on Craiglist, stay the fuck away. (Unless you need the money to pay off your student loans and/or future wedding debt. That shit is no joke.) 

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter.

‘Extreme Cheapskate’ Doesn’t Uses Toilet Paper, Washes Clothes In Tub

In Ye Olden Tymes, when women were not pregnant, nursing, cooking, cleaning, raising children, caring for the elderly, or darning their ungrateful husband’s smelly socks, they also had to wash all of their clothes by hand. I think they did this in a basin the backyard (but I don’t really know, because I have always washed my clothes in a washing machine). A New York woman named Kay on TLC’s Extreme Cheapskates thinks this just sounds great, which is why she washes all her clothes by hand. In the tub. While she is bathing. 

I don’t think I need to tell you that whatever body odor she’s washing off herself is comingling with the bathtub scum and on the clothes she so proudly washes herself. And it’s all to save a princely $6 a month! That’s how much I spend every morning on coffee. Not every day. Every morning.

But hold onto your hat because we haven’t gotten to the most mentally-ill part of this all yet: Kay also does not use toilet paper because she doesn’t like spending money on things you just throw away.

Instead, when she pees, Kay rinses herself with wather from a water bottle and wipes up with paper towels. Presumably she throws those paper towels away, though, or else she is nastier than I thought. But poop! You want to know about poop! After Kay poops, she washes her down-there-parts by hand with soap and rinses off with the water bottle. 

And to think, entire debates are erupting on the Internet about whether or not to use baby wipes

Gothamist teases some of Extreme Cheapskates‘ other guests will include a lady who uses "personalized urine jars" and a man who "makes money by participating in medical tests." Honestly, the whole show is more sad than it is gross. These aren’t moneysaving tips from Suzy Homemakers; they’re mentally ill individuals who probably reuse their dental floss while they’re wearing their tin-foil hat. 

Although I am kind of intrigued by the guy who uses his dishwasher to do his laundry.

 

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter and Tumblr.

Michael Phelps Gets Reality Show … On The Golf Channel

It was only a matter of time before an Olympian got a reality show and thank heavens it won’t be Learning To Read With Ryan Lochte. But the truth is not much better: Michael Phelps is getting a reality show on the Golf Channel. Did you even know there was a Golf Channel?

Phelps will appear on in the 2013 season of The Haney Project, in which Tiger Woods’ former coach Hank Haney helps a celebrity to improve their golf game. Past celebs who’ve appeared on this show that you’ve never heard of include Maroon 5’s Adam Levine, Ray Romano, and Charles Barkley. Phelps — who is the most decorated Olympian in history after winning 22 Olympic medals for swimming throughout his career‚ explained his joining the show a statement:

I think I will be able to shift my competitiveness to anything I put my mind to. And golf is one of the things I want to focus on. I want to play all the world’s great golf courses, but I’d like to play them well.

Phelps recently confirmed on the Today show he is retiring from swimming for good and does not intend to compete in the Rio Olympics in 2016. The Haney Project is not an uncomfortable lily pad to leap to: he’ll be cashing checks to play golf.

Brides Murdered On Their Honeymoons Is Focus Of Classy New Reality Show

Move over, Say Yes To The Dress. Happily Never After is the new reality TV show about that marital problem on the top of every bride’s list. No, not getting an UTI — death on the honeymoon. 

This "part wedding show and part police drama," TV By The Numbers reports, will feature the surviving newlywed looking back on a honeymoon that went horribly, horribly wrong. Upcoming episodes of the Discovery show include The Bride Wore Blood, about a groom murdered on his wedding night; Set Sail For Murder, in which a newlywed bride is thrown overboard a honeymoon yacht; and Ice Cold Heart, in which a bride goes for a walk by herself and never returns. Marlo Thomas, of all people, will narrate the series. Are you sure this show is not on Lifetime?

Frankly, I think Happily Never After is doing an important service to newlyweds. You thought your honeymoon was going to be all about the backwards cowgirl and fruity drinks with little umbrellas in them, did you? You should really be worrying about … murder.

Breast Is Best … And Best Left Off Reality Television

Breastfeeding your child until his bar mitzvah is so "in" right now. And reality TV will be damned if it doesn’t make a profit off your physical revulsion and/or titillation to the subject.

The reality television production company behind not-at-all-exploitative programs Dance Moms and American Stuffers is developing a series about moms who "breastfeed older children," according to The New York Post. Because society needs this. Clearly. 

Of course, the production company Collins Avenue and the parents themselves will tell you that the length of time a mother breastfeeds her child is no one else’s bidness. And they will tell you that attachment parenting is a hot topic right now, which they would like to grant more exposure. And they’re right on both counts, of course. 

But no reality TV show about a subject this controversial is interested in a true documentary-style program. I’m sure this in-development show will search high and low to cast divorce-threatening fathers, disapproving extended family members, and other Judgy McJudgersons who will make the nursing mommy cry. 

And yes, reality TV is most often about making the woman cry. After all, what’s good television if not that which allows you the viewer to feel superior to a complete stranger’s parenting skills and love life? 

Here’s the Previously Unseen Footage of ‘Fear Factor’ Contestants Guzzling Donkey Semen

Remember that report about an unspeakably disgusting Fear Factor challenge involving contestants being forced to drink beer steins full of donkey semen and urine that never made it to air? Well, it did, in Holland, and now it’s here on the Internet where it will induce dry heaving for generations to come. If you’d like to be part of that first generation, feel free to check out the (NSFW) video after the jump, you sicko. [Via Gawker]

Whitney Houston’s Family Inks Deal for Reality Show

It’s been only three short months since the sudden and tragic death of Whitney Houston, and the late singer’s family is understandably still going through the cycle of grief associated with such a loss. Perhaps less understandably, the American public will be able to watch it all go down on the Houston family’s brand new reality show!

Because there’s apparently nothing wrong with profiting from the death of a loved one, several members of Houston’s family–including mother Cissy, daughter Bobbi Kristina and sister-in-law/manager Pat–have signed on for an upcoming reality show, The Houston Chronicles, which will air on Lifetime. This according to TMZ, who broke the news yesterday, and who reported this morning that Cissy is hoping the show will help ignite Bobbi Kristina’s music career. Because there’s nothing at all shady about that!

As for what the show will feature, Lifetime EVP Robert Sharenow explains: "In this series, the multi-generations of the Houston family will bravely reveal their lives as they bond together to heal, love, and grow."

Heal, love, grow… and make a ton of money? Not sure how I feel about this. What say you?

Tyra Banks Fires All ‘ANTM’ Judges Not Named Tyra Banks

When America’s Next Top Model begins its 19th cycle this year, it will do so without any of the original judges besides Tyra Banks. Actually, it’ll do so without any of the judges that were around just one season ago (again, except for Banks).

Banks announced yesterday that longtime judges Nigel Barker, "Miss" J. Alexander and Jay Manuel would not have their contracts renewed by the CW (the fate of the panel’s newest member, fashion publicist Kelly Cutrone, was not immediately known). The need to revamp the show to combat recent record low ratings has been thrown around as an excuse for the firings, but it’s probably more likely that Banks just couldn’t stand to have anyone but herself on the judging panel any longer. Because Banks is a narcissist.

In a statement to TMZ, Barker said, "Good luck to whoever [replaces me]. I would imagine it’s a tricky thing to replace someone who’s going on their 19th season."

If you consider cloning Banks a few times for an all-Tyra panel "tricky," then yes. Tricky!